Last week I was cleaning out my desk at work. No, don’t worry, I’m still employed. I was just going through the clutter that has accumulated over the last six years that I’ve worked here. It’s amazing what you can accumulate! Stashed at the back of one of my desk drawers was a picture.
A few nights ago, I took the time to look at an old metal cabinet where I had placed some magnetic poetry tiles. They’ve been there for years, but I’ve barely paid any attention to them for quite some time. I noticed that some of the pieces were scrambled together in a little group and remembered having made a poem from them at one point.
This is the woman I saw in the picture that I found.
Woman A
(Click image for larger size)
It is also the same woman that wrote the magnetic poem that contained the word “repulsive” and other such similar nonsense.
This woman had very little self-esteem. Deep down, she did think she was interesting, smart, sometimes pretty, worth loving and listening to, but allowed herself to doubt these beliefs constantly. Even though she felt good about herself every once in a while, she could never believe that anyone else saw her that way and that if no one else could see it then she must be deluding herself. This woman looked to the outside world for validation and for acceptance and even when it was offered to her (which it was), she couldn’t believe it was real.
This woman abused herself on a daily basis. Physically, but most importantly, emotionally. Physically, she just didn’t take care of herself as she should. She didn’t eat right, ate too much, didn’t work out as much as she should.
Emotionally, the abuse was far greater. She would have rare moments of feeling good about herself, but those moments were few and far between. This woman called herself names. Often told herself that she was a freak, that she couldn’t do anything right (ridiculous), that she was ugly and disgusting and not worth loving - by anyone. She internalized everything. If someone said something to her that wasn’t particularly nice or disagreed with her opinion, then it was her fault. It was because she was weird or a freak.
If she made a mistake or did anything slightly embarrassing, then it was a catastrophe and she immediately told herself that she was a complete idiot. That is really sad, when you consider that she is a klutz and was constantly doing things to embarrass herself.
Because of her weight and social anxiety, this woman often thought she was a failure, regardless of the fact that she often succeeded at whatever she tried and had graduated from college. (Right now you may be thinking this woman was crazy). This woman simply couldn’t believe how special she was.
This is that same woman six years later.
(and the victim of perpetual red-eye)
Woman B
(Click image for larger size)
This woman is no more special in any way than Woman A, and yet there is a profound difference. Woman B believes it’s true. She believes that she intrinsically has worth and does not feel like she should apologize for having her own interests and opinions that others may not agree with. Woman A hated herself. Woman B loves herself.
She still has self-doubt and is still a klutz. She always will have and will be, but she doesn’t abuse herself quite as often. Physically, she still doesn’t always eat exactly what and as much as she should, but she’s human. She will always struggle with that. But that attitude, in and of itself, is a major shift. If she eats something that isn’t quite so good for her, or eats too much, she doesn’t immediately think “I’m such a disgusting failure and freak of nature” anymore. She thinks, “I screwed up. I’m human. Tomorrow is a new day.”
That same shift is a perfect example of how she also does not emotionally abuse herself as she did. And that is what finding that magnetic poetry made her realize. While she still has her moments of insecurity - she IS human - she doesn’t immediately associate herself with the words found in that poem that she wrote six years ago. If someone takes issue with her, it’s not always immediately her fault anymore - it may be their problem and it may, in fact, have nothing to do with her at all. I say “not always,” because she still struggles. But Woman A was stagnant. She was stuck. Woman B is at least a work in progress, even though she has realized that she will always be a work in progress.
You may wonder how Woman A became Woman B, and I have no cut and dry answer for you. The only thing I can say is that it is an eternal process and for that process to even begin, there has to be that moment of clarity, that moment of a lightbulb going off and telling you that “now is the time.” Otherwise, Woman A would still be exactly Woman A no matter how much she struggled.
You may see quite a difference in weight between the two women and may believe that that is the reason for the shift. But as I’ve said, Woman B still has many of the same problems as Woman A. Woman A always believed that if she could just get “skinny,” then most of her problems would disappear. Woman B realizes now that that isn’t the case. She knew before that everyone has problems regardless of their size. What she didn’t know was that not all of her problems were caused by her weight. In fact, many were probably the cause of her weight problem.
I guess it’s like the age-old question of the chicken and the egg. Did her emotional problems cause her weight problem or did her weight problem cause her emotional problems? I honestly believe that it was a vicious, endless cycle like a snake feeding on its own tail. Along the same lines, did the weight loss cause this shift in attitude or did the shift in attitude cause the weight loss? Again, I believe that it’s a bit of both. There had to be that just right moment, the perfect catalyst of mind and body being in alignment and again, knowing that ”now is the time.”
Woman A’s goal was simple. She wanted to fit in. She wanted to be noticed, but not too noticed. The weight loss may have made Woman B finally start fitting in a bit better, but it has also made her realize that it’s okay to stand out and be unique sometimes, too.
Side note: The first picture was taken on the last Christmas I spent with my brother, less than two months before he was killed. Here is a picture of him taken the same day.
