So I slipped up a bit when I got off work last night.  I’m not quitting or giving up and I’ve done just fine since then.  I just wanted to fess up.  I did great all day yesterday, and then got tripped up by the candy aisle at Walgreen’s when I stopped to pick up a birthday card for a co-worker.

Since I get off work after midnight, I technically slipped up on today’s tracking.  I go midnight to midnight.  Since my hours are so screwy (getting up and going to sleep at different times), it was the easiest way for me to stay consistent.  So a new day and a fresh start will start in exactly 25 minutes.

I have to stop at Walgreen’s again tonight, because being the horrible daughter I am, I completely forgot that tomorrow is my parents’ 35th wedding anniversary!  35 years!!  I am swearing an oath myself (and you) that I WILL restrain myself tonight.  Since my stomach protested mightily last night’s indiscretion, I do not want to repeat the experience.  Contrary to popular belief, I can learn from my mistakes.

I wanted to share a couple of things that have irked me in the past couple of days.

First, as I mentioned previously, I’m currently reading “Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife,” one of the many sequels to “Pride and Prejudice.”  It’s decent so far, but a bit crude even for me.  It takes Harlequin romance to a whole new level.  There was one line that bugged me, though:

Wickham was extremely vexed to see that all the newly-assigned chambermaids were great with girth and age (averaging ten stone in weight and two score ten in years).

Okay, first of all, I had to look up ten stone just to see how much that was.  A stone is 14 pounds.  That means that ten stone is 140 pounds.  140 pounds is enough to be described as “great of girth”????!!!  I hope that the women they were talking about were very short.

The next item is a picture that my cousin posted on her Facebook page.  I really like her and she has always been extremely sweet, but this kind of bothered me.  Apparently it’s been going around the web for a while and a lot of you may find it humorous, but I think it’s rather offensive:

Her friend’s response was “I feel bad for laughing, but that is hysterical!”  Her response was “I know.  It’s terrible, but it made me laugh and I had to share.”

This makes me rethink my opinion of her.  I just don’t get why people have to find humor by being mean to others.

American society is such a contradiction.  On the one hand, we make fun of those who are overweight - sometimes viciously.

But on the other hand, we supersize everything!  I’ve posted before about how I love the Lean Pockets breakfast sandwiches.  They come in bacon, egg, and cheese; sausage, egg, and cheese; or ham, egg, and cheese.  They were delicious, but they were smaller than the regular Lean Pockets so were only 3 points a piece.  A quick, easy breakfast or snack.  My last trip to the grocery store was extremely disappointing.  Gone were the old boxes. 

The new ones looked like the Lean Pockets boxes for all of their other sandwiches with the words “New: Bigger Size; Bigger Taste” plastered on the front.  WHY?!!  They are now 6 points each.  It’s really frustrating.  They were fine the way they were before!

So yeah, I don’t get it.  Are *they* making bigger and bigger sizes of everything in the hopes that we will just get bigger and bigger so that *they* will continue to have people to make fun of?

Okay, rant over.

PS - thank you all so much for your supportive comments!  I can’t begin to express how much they have helped.  As you’ve all told me, I just need to take it a day at a time.  In fact, that has become my mantra.  “Just one day.  Just one day.”

My weigh-in today is nothing to cheer about - in fact, it rather blew.  However, I woke up today with a renewed vigor and optimism.  So much more hopeful than in days, weeks, months past.

Today, for the first time in well over a month, I was completely on plan.  Well, I didn’t get my healthy oil or my multivitamin, but I did track every single point and stayed within my personal five flex point daily maximum.

So, in other words, I did good y’all!

I’ve decided to gradually work in a bit of exercise, too.  Last night I started climbing the stairs at work again.  I could only do five floors before wanting to rip my heart out of my chest and personally perform CPR on it, but it’s a baby step in the right direction.

So I woke up with optimism and then had a pleasant surprise when I got to work.  As I was getting out of my car, one of the higher-ups was walking by with one of his peers.  As we waved, he called out and asked if we knew each other and introduced us.  He proceeded to explain that I was one of his ”go-to” people on the night shift and just gushed about all that I’d done for him.  It was really nice and made me feel good.  It’s nice to hear praise, because sometimes in the corporate world, you really wonder if you’re making a difference.  Even if I’m not making a huge impact in the great scheme of things, I like knowing that I can make at least one person’s day a bit easier or nicer.

In fact, when my mom and I were at the mall on Saturday, we noticed a car in the parking lot that had “IT’S A GIRL!” written on their back windshield.  So, after scrambling around in the car, I realized that we only had a McDonald’s receipt, but that was good enough.  I wrote “congratulations on your baby girl” and put it under their windshield wiper.  Hopefully it made them smile.

Apparently others are thinking the same way.  When my mom and I were walking through the mall’s food court, a man called out “congratulations” and “way to go” to my mom.  He nodded at her shirt.  She was wearing her pink cancer survivor shirt from the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure.  Which, incidentally, I signed up for a couple of weeks ago.  We did it last year, so are planning on doing it again this year.  Of course, we’re just walking it.

Anyway, overall, the day is going pretty decently.  Hope you all have had a happy Tuesday as well!  Take care!

The Good:

My weekend was great!  I got up early on Saturday morning and mowed the lawn and I did it in under an hour this time!  I was soaking with sweat by the time I was done (lovely, I know) as it was hot as hell even at 9am, but I know it was good for me.  There’s also that sense of pride when you see how pretty the lawn looks and know it was from your hard work.  Now, if I could just get my parents to cut down the trees…. 

After a much-needed shower, I ran errands and picked up a few things I needed.  I had a gift card for Dillards left over from Christmas and I needed a new kitchen scale.  I have not had the best of luck with digital kitchen scales (this is my third in three years), so I figured I would check out Dillards’ selection since I wouldn’t have to pay for it.  It was my lucky day!  Almost everything in the store was on sale, so I got the scale for about $24.  And so far, so good.  I think this one might actually work for a while! 

So I then had about $24 left on the card and we were just meandering through the store to the escalators when we passed a table that had Willow Tree figurines on clearance!  Jackpot!  I seriously love these things.  I just think they’re both beautiful and touching.  I only had one at home, and Dillards had a few that I wanted but haven’t bought because I didn’t want to spend the money.  They were 50% off!  I got three with the rest of my gift card and only had to spend 60 cents of my own money.  Merry Christmas to me! 

Those purchases brought my total of Willow Tree figurines up to four.  In the picture below, I already had the one on the left (for obvious reasons - I mean, she IS holding a book).  The three to the right are the new ones.  Their names, in order from left to right, are:  Wisdom, Brother and Sister, Courage, and Angel of Learning.  There’s a fifth one that I’ve asked for for my birthday.

The painting seen at the top of the picture was painted and given to me by my very, very talented aunt.

I even ate well on Saturday - I had Subway for lunch!

Then, on Sunday, I decided to go to the Duck Derby on the Country Club Plaza in Kansas City.  I’d never been before, so it was kind of fun!  They were raising money for a Children’s Therapeutic Learning Center (TLC), so raced rubber duckies down Brush Creek.  According to the announcer, there were 20,000 rubber ducks dropped into the water:

Needless to say, neither of my duckies won, but we had fun.  It was all really cute.  Then:

The Bad:

I did so well with staying somewhat on plan last week.  I was even down two pounds on Friday!  Then we ordered Pizza Hut Saturday night (their Tuscani pasta is seriously delicious, but not exactly staying-on-plan friendly).  Then Sunday hit and it all went to hell.  I don’t think there was even a handbasket.  It just plummeted.

It began with lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.  Oh sure, I could have gone for something reasonably healthy, but instead I decided to go for the cheeseburger and fries.  I did get it on their yummy wheat bread and didn’t eat all of it, but still.

And THEN, a roach crawled across my mom’s side of the table.  Can we say UGH?  She slammed her glass down on it, but the sucker just wouldn’t die.  It was a roach, after all.  So we pointed it out to the waitress when she came back and when she lifted the glass, it made a beeline straight towards me!  Luckily, she caught it in a napkin and squished it.  This was followed by a visit from the manager who got our names and address/phone number and paid for our meal….with dessert.  So I can tell you that their chocolate ice cream is scrumptious.  We gave the waitress a nice tip, because she was fantastic, and even minus the gross-out factor, we had an extremely cheap lunch.

But it just continued downhill after that.  I got lots of exercise at the Duck Derby, but dinner consisted of leftover pizza and pasta.  Needless to say, the scale wasn’t a pretty sight today.  So that leads me to:

The Ugly:

As you probably guessed by now, the truly ugly will be seen on the scale at weigh-in tomorrow.  UGH.  I think I need to stage some sort of intervention on myself.

Isn’t the news about Michael Jackson crazy?  I had heard on my way into work that he had had a heart attack of some sort, but just heard the news a few minutes ago that he had passed away.  I’ve not been a big fan in recent years and was never a huge fan, but I’m stunned just the same.  I mean, it’s Michael Jackson!!

I’m doing much better food-wise as far as yesterday and today are concerned.  Thanks especially to Diana, I think that I’m starting to get my head back on straight - it’s been a little off kilter lately.

Most of you know by now about my brother and how he died.  If not, you can read about it here.  The Saturday after I got back from California, we received a couple of letters in the mail from the state.  The letters were to notify my parents and I that the man who was driving when my brother died would be released from state supervision in August.  He served just over two years (if I remember correctly) in jail and has been on supervised probation or whatever they call it ever since.

My parent’s aren’t happy, of course, but we weren’t all that surprised.  We knew this was coming.  I’m actually surprisingly okay with it.  My anger has faded over the years, and even during the trial, we were all torn because the man was a good friend of my brother’s.  I don’t hate him.  In fact, part of me feels sorry for him, but I do still feel anger and grief and heartache that so many lives were torn apart by his one stupid mistake.  A mistake that we’re all  (him included) going to have to live with for the rest of our lives.  It still upsets my mom to get things addressed to him in the mail (happened yesterday).

I wish him well.  I wish that he appreciates every day he is given and lives his life to the fullest.  During the trial, he called and left us a message asking if he could come talk to us.  On the advice of the District Attorney, we did not respond.  We were told not to talk to him.  We’ve often talked about how we wonder what he had to say or what he would have said.  A part of us (my parents and I) hopes that maybe one day he’ll get in touch and tell us what he would have said.  That day may never come - we may have missed our chance - and we’re trying to make peace with it.

The edge has been taken off by the passing of the years, but all the underlying emotions are still there.  They always will be.  He was my parents’ only son and my only sibling, my baby brother.

Over the past several weeks, I’ve been in a spring cleaning frenzy.  I moved back in with my parents in 2002, originally planning on staying a few years to save money for grad school.  Over the years, as my we experienced my brother’s death and my parents’ health issues have increased (especially my dad’s epilepsy) it’s looking to be even more long-term.  I never thought I’d still be living there, but I’m glad that I’m there to help when needed.  I know that my rent money is also of help.

When I moved back in, they had to make room for me again.  Our house has three small bedrooms.  When I moved away to college, my brother moved into my room and his old room was turned into my mom’s office.  He then eventually moved into our finished basement, and they turned my old bedroom into a TV room for my dad.  Where he could finally watch his ball games in peace without us telling him to turn the channel. 

So when I moved back in, they put me into the smaller bedroom that was housing my mom’s office.  We squeezed my twin bed and dresser and desk in amongst her filing cabinet and other furniture.  Yes, I felt like I was living in a closet.  Several months after my brother died, I bought a queen bed and moved into the basement.  Eventually, the chilled air down there in the winter drove me back upstairs to the tiny sardine can of a bedroom/office.  And that’s where I’ve been staying for the past couple of years.  My poor adored queen bed lost and alone in the basement.

So that’s where the spring cleaning has come into play.  Our garage has mostly become an extra storage space and I started one weekend by going through bags and boxes of stuff and re-organizing.  Throwing out or repacking.  Once I got through most of the garage (we won’t even talk about the bags and boxes of clothes that I still need to go through), I started on the closet of a room that I was staying in.  I emptied the filing cabinet into boxes and moved it all to the garage, moved out the cedar chest, twin bed, and the boxes from the closet and rearranged my desk, dresser, and bookshelf to make room for my queen bed.  I am now officially in heaven.  After seven years, I now actually have something I can call a bedroom.  I’ve moved in.  <sigh>  I think this is what they call acceptance.

Anyway, all of that is to say that while my eating/food portion of my life has gone all to hell (until yesterday), parts of the rest of my life have slowly been getting under control.  I don’t feel so claustrophobic anymore.  I actually enjoy spending time in my room now.  It is my room now.

The best part about the whole thing is that when I moved some of the furniture around, I discovered a gift.

We were good kids, but we had our moments.  And yes, I believe that is green marker or crayon at the top right.   Please ignore the fact that the room obviously desperately needs to be re-painted.  I’ll get around to it eventually.  These autographs, however, will never be painted over as long as we own the house.  You never know where or how your life will leave a mark. 

So it’s no secret that I’ve been struggling really hard lately with staying on plan.  We’re talking really really hard.  In fact, I had somewhat of a brain/body/spirit meltdown last night.  Thanks to a couple of really good friends (you know who you are), I’m feeling better today and more hopeful.  Thank you.

On my way into work, I heard this song that I think really applies to the whole weight-loss struggle.  It pretty much applies to any struggle or challenge in life and I’m sure the songwriter didn’t have weight loss in mind when s/he wrote it, but it still applies really well.  It added that extra touch of hope on top of my day.

I had heard the song before, but couldn’t remember who sang it, and this time I really listened to the words.  Perhaps it really struck me this time around because of the situation I’m in.  Of course, when the song was over and they announced the title and artist, I was completely appalled.  Miley Cyrus.  Ack!  :o)  Then I remembered that my friends played a couple of her songs for me while I was in CA and had to admit that they were decent.  This one is called “The Climb.”  (Hey guys, was this one of the ones that you played for me?)

The reading actually said 107 at one point, but hovered around 102 on the way into work today.

Have I mentioned that I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hate summer?

Now, I know I bitched and moaned about the cold during the winter, but I would take that any day over this heat.  At least in the cold you can keep adding layers.  In the summer, there’s only so much you can take off before you get arrested.  Did I mention that it was still 90 degrees at midnight last night?!  And no, getting into my car with the black leather seats was not a pleasant experience today… :)  And yes, I was parked at a stoplight when I took the picture - no texting, photo-taking, etc. while I’m driving.

Those of you that run/exercise outside in this kind of heat have my utmost respect (along with a shake of the head).

I had a great time with my dad on Sunday when we went to the movies.  Terminator Salvation was fantastic!  I was never a huge fan of the other movies, but this one was good - and not just because Christian Bale was in it!  Although, that did help.  Since it had been so long since I’d seen the other ones, I had a bit of a confusing moment at the beginning of the movie while I was trying to figure out just what was going on.

But I saw a preview for the new Transformers movie!  I am SO pumped!  My brother and I grew up with transformers - playing with the action figures, watching the cartoon, etc. - and I loved the first movie.  This one looks really good, too.  I’m hoping to go see it this weekend.  I still want to see Wolverine, Star Trek, and Angels and Demons, too.

I watched Lakeview Terrace last night and almost couldn’t finish it.  It is just the kind of situation/movie that I almost can’t bear to imagine, let alone watch - one in which so many things are out of your control.  Have you all seen it?

If you want to read a seriously disturbing book, try Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  I can’t even begin to find the words….  I finished it a couple of days ago and am now reading Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife by Linda Berdoll.  It was recommended by a friend and is definitely on the Harlequin romance side of things.  Although, even being an avid Harlequin reader, I still find myself cracking up at some of the scenes and language.  Besides, I keep expecting zombies and ninjas to pop out of nowhere from reading the other book…

A totally random thought:  I run across a lot of little coincidences in my life that I find really interesting.  I had several of these happen to me over the weekend.  For example, my mom mentioned something about a mattress and a mattress store commercial came on the radio.  There were a bunch of others, too - even more than usual.  The weirdest was that I read a book last night in which there was an earthquake in Alaska that caused a cave-in at a mine (and yes, it actually was a Harlequin, so of course the main character’s true love was trapped).  When I woke up today, there was a news article about an earthquake in Alaska.  Okay, that one kinda freaked me out a bit.  But normally, they’re just those every day coincidences that seem to happen often to me.

We had a lull at work, so I thought I’d update you all on my thoughts.  I’m currently listening to my stomach growl, so apparently it’s about dinner time. Although if I went by my stomach lately (which I sadly have been) then it would be dinner time 24/7.

Just a quick note to wish all the great dads out there a happy father’s day!!

I’m going to see Terminator with my dad today.  Terminator for him, Christian Bale for me.  What a perfect father’s day movie. 

Hope it’s a beautiful day for you all!

This is Mr. Yappy.  I dubbed him so because, frankly, he just won’t shut up.  Woof Woof Woof….all the time.  10am, 2pm, 1am, it doesn’t matter.  This pic was snapped as he was barking at me for mowing the lawn.

Yes, I mowed the lawn!

Normally, my mom does around the outside of our backyard and then the front (which is smaller than our backyard).  Then I do most of the backyard, which is a fairly large size.  Today, I did both the front and the back!  It took me a little over an hour, but this is a major NSV for me.  Three years ago, I got out of breath just looking at the backyard.

Lucky me, I’m stuck mowing the whole thing for the next six weeks while my mom recuperates from gallbladder surgery.  She had it on Wednesday, and except for some pain, is doing well.  The worst for her is when she needs to cough - and let’s not even talk about the time she sneezed!  Ack! The poor thing.  So that’s what I did on Wednesday - sat in the hospital for 7 hrs!  I’m just glad that she’s doing okay.

Anyway, hope you all are having a great weekend!  I’m going to go baby my poor sore hands (from the mower).  Note to self:  get some padded garden gloves if they have them…

While my weigh-in wasn’t much to smile about, I still wake every day with more and more determination and I got closer to being on track today than I have been in quite a while.  I actually started counting again - granted, I gave up somewhere along the way, but I tried!  And tomorrow I will do even better.

I did want to share a movie with you all that I just watched.  It is called “Smile” and came out in 2005.  You can check it out on IMDB here.  I honestly believe that it is one of the most beautiful and touching movies that I have ever watched.

Here is part of the plot summary from IMDB:

Katie, a teenage girl from Malibu, California, finds herself in the throes of growing up, facing her parents, her boyfriends, her sexuality and a very privileged life. Half a world away in rural, China, Lin, born on the same day as Katie, faces a much different reality. Because of a severe facial deformity, she lives a life of fear and shame. Her father, Daniel, has devoted his life to her, with hopes and dreams that her circumstances will change one day. The opportunity comes with the discovery of the worldwide “Doctor’s Gift” program. Katie volunteers and comes to China. Once there, she is deeply touched by the work, which prompts her to take off on her own to find Lin.

If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend that you check it out if you get the chance!

Did any of you go to a summer camp when you were little?  I only went to a day camp for Camp Fire USA.  Since my mom was my group leader, she was always there with us.  It was a lot of fun!  But the reason I ask is because I read a book last night about a teenage girl that goes to “Fat Camp.”  The book is appropriately called “Fat Camp” and is by Deborah Blumenthal and you can read about it here on Amazon.  I thought the book was extremely good - so much so that I read the entire book in one night.

I discovered the book when I was perusing the Young Adult section of my local Borders this weekend (yes, I sometimes read young adult - but I was actually looking for a specific book (”Don’t Judge a Girl By Her Cover” by Ally Carter)) when the words “Fat Camp” caught my eye.  For obvious reasons.  I read the back of the book and thought it sounded interesting.  Since Borders had a fantastic coupon weekend, I decided to go ahead and get it.  I’m so glad I did.

I’m telling you, there is no topic off limits for this book.  It discusses everything from being overweight and the reasons why, to losing weight, to keeping it off, to drunk driving, to family issues such as work-aholic parents, to hit-and-runs, to eating disorders, to teen love, to friendship, to all kinds of things.  I honestly began to wonder if there was going to be a topic that the author wasn’t going to touch on, but realized that it really made sense.  There are a bunch of different characters in the story - as there are in life - and also as in life, every one of them has their own story to tell.  They all come from different backgrounds and have different experiences.  Quite a few of them may want to lose some weight, but their journeys are all different.

I highly recommend this book!  It doesn’t end happily ever after (or tragically ever after for that matter, either), but I guarantee almost everyone can find something to identify with.