In doing some more thinking about the movie, “The Bucket List,” and how it applies to my own life, it made me think of all of the things I’ve avoided doing or trying in my life because of my weight. The fear of using too much money and not saving for a rainy day weren’t the only things holding me back.
There are so many situations I avoided or turned down because I felt uncomfortable with who I was and how I looked. I avoided just about any new situation that had the potential for embarrassment, any situation in which I didn’t know exactly what to expect, or in which there was the potential for me to be noticed. I lived with the fear that I wouldn’t fit in, or even just that I wouldn’t fit. People who have never been overweight don’t understand the constant fear (terror) that an overweight person lives with. Going out to eat is never as simple as just going out to eat. Will people look at me and what I’m eating? Will I fit in the booth? Such questions tended to be the norm for me, no matter what the situation was that I was facing.
As I’ve slowly lost weight, I’ve found myself branching out more and more into more unfamiliar situations, but those fears never really leave. I still eye spaces between chairs and try to calculate just how much space my hips need to get through. Fortunately now, I find myself overestimating a lot. But that’s a post for another day.
The moral is, I hate the time I’ve wasted being afraid, and I vow to try to change that, little by little. It won’t be easy, but breaking out of your comfort zone never is.
There are many times that I choose not to go places; especially with Ernest’s friends. It seems like all of their girlfriends/wives are Top Models. Seriously, I don’t think any of them weigh 100 pounds soaking wet! lol
But when I think about it, it’s really silly. Like they don’t know I’m fat already! I mean come on, I’ve met all of them. They know what I look like. Ernest and I have been together for almost 14 years now.
But still, Skye chooses to stay home. And I have very good reasons, too.
A few weeks ago, his best friend invited us to their daughter’s 1 year birthday party. My husband begged me to go, so I gave in and went. The guy’s girlfriend/baby’s mother is really sweet. I figured how bad could it be.
Big mistake!!! I literally thought I was going to die. I honestly believe I had an anxiety attack for the first time in my life. I had to go outside just to be able to breathe. It was so horrible.
I told Ernest that was the first and will definitely be the last. He was so worried about me that I don’t think he’ll even bother asking again.
How embarrassing though.