Well, after a week of doing really great, exercising and eating right, I think I went and blew it again.  Last night, Sunday night, I had another binge.  I don’t know what my deal is.  It would be easy to blame it on the Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies that my parents had in their kitchen, but it just went downhill from there.  They’re my favorite cookies, but they were just the instigators and I can’t really pin it on them.

I wish I knew why I do this to myself.  Binges don’t make me feel good.  Half the time I don’t even enjoy them while they’re happening or even want to be doing them while they’re happening, but for some reason I can’t stop myself.  Afterwards, the fear and self-hatred set in and I usually feel physically ill.  Irrational thoughts of waking up the next day at my original starting weight fill my head.  So what am I getting from it?  There must be something.  It’s pure insanity, but I know I’m not the only one out there with this problem.  

There are moments where I feel just as far away from my goal, if not farther, as when I started this journey almost two years ago.  Mentally, at least, if not physically.  I’m still nowhere closer to understanding why I gained the weight in the first place, or why I continue to sabotage myself.  Luckily, I’ve just been maintaining and haven’t been gaining, but I feel how easy it would be to let it slide and let it all come back on.  Which I refuse to do.  The thought terrifies me.  Absolutely terrifies me.

I think part of my problem is that I’ve been feeling relatively content with where I am right now as far as my weight.  I’m not the perfect size, but part of me is okay with that.  In fact, I think that if I didn’t have the extra skin issue (a topic for a later date), I would be perfectly satisfied to stay where I am.  I’m conflicted, though, because I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way.  I shouldn’t feel content.  Isn’t it wrong to feel content with who I am when I’m sure people who don’t know me still see me as huge?  I mean, hell, people think Britney Spears is a blimp!

It would make sense that that apathy towards the idea of losing more weight is what’s keeping me where I am.  I’m told by the people that really care about me that I’m fine the way I am and hear from them comments such as, “you don’t want to lose much more, do you?”  But, of course, these are all people that see me every day and remember where I started or are people that love me.  Because, as I mentioned, I am far from the ideal weight.  Or maybe it’s just that they don’t want me to get skinnier than they are.  :o) 

I also wonder if part of the reason that I’ve been maintaining and binging more to keep maintaining has to do with the fact that I’m so stressed out right now in other areas of my life.  There’s so much stress with my work, family, etc. right now that I feel like the last thing I should be doing is putting myself under any additional stress.  And while I do still need to lose quite a bit more weight, I’m not at that critical place anymore where I simply have to lose weight.  I’m eternally thankful for that.

I just need to keep reminding myself that as long as I am still maintaining and not gaining, then I’m doing okay.