Shame Resilience

If you’ve read many of my previous posts, then you may have sensed an underlying theme of “fear of embarrassment.”  This underlying theme has plagued me throughout my life.  I try to avoid embarrassment at all costs, but tend to fail miserably.  I am also the kind of person that can remember even slightly embarrassing events that happened many years ago, as if they happened a split second ago.  All of the same pain and emotion that I felt when the event actually occurred floods back into me as though it were happening at that exact moment.  Obviously, I try to not think too much about anything that may have embarrassed me.

I just finished reading an absolutely incredible book by Brene Brown entitled “I Thought It Was Just Me:  Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame.”  While she focuses on women throughout the book, there are several topics that I believe men can relate to, and she does devote a small section of the book to her continuing research with men and shame.

Before reading her book, I never realized how the great majority of my embarrassment was actually shame.  Often when I encounter any embarrassing situation, my first thought is “I’m such an idiot.”  Focusing on how I am flawed not on what actually happened is a good indication that it is really shame.

This was one of the books that I got at a Borders’ Clearance sale a couple of months ago for $1.99, and is one of the first non-fiction books I’ve actually finished in a really long time.  I thought it was fascinating and I learned a lot about myself.  She discusses sources of shame, how shame affects us, shame triggers and how to recognize them, and how to develop what she calls “shame resilience.”  She says that there really is no way to become completely resistant to shame, but we can become resilient where it is concerned.  We can learn to recognize it when it is happening and how to move ourselves through it without resorting to “I’m such an idiot.”

I used to be the kind of person that would wait to hear other people’s answers before supplying an opinion of my own (mostly in high school).  It was based on shame of who I was, and feeling like I wasn’t normal or good enough, or that my opinion mattered.

A lot has happened to me over the past several years, beginning with my brother’s death in 2003.  Some people would say that I’m not the person that I was.  To a certain extent that is true, because while we all grow and change as we get older, the events that have happened to me over these past few years have had a profound impact on my life and have colored the way that I think about life in general and about myself.  They have also made me realize that I want to be authentic with others about who I am, and have helped me begin forming the steps that I believe led me to finding this book.

While the real me had crept out more and more often as I got older, and especially around certain people, I was still careful about what I said and how much I revealed.  And I’m still a work in progress.  I’m still vulnerable to shame and I’m still working on not being ashamed of who I am.

One thing I loved about this book is the way it was written.  Her writing is extremely easy to follow (no psych degree necessary) and she sprinkles it with stories from her own life and how shame has affected her.  She doesn’t sit upon a pedestal preaching about how to handle shame; she is on our level, explaining how she has been where we have been.

Here are a few highlights from the book that really struck a chord with me:

Shame is best defined as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.  Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations.  Shame creates fear, blame and disconnection.  

I love the metaphor of the petri dish, for when I kept my shame silent and in the dark, it grew exponentially.  However, exposing it to the light of day causes it to lose its power and even shrink.

Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us – it sabotages our efforts to be authentic.

We cannot share ourselves with others when we see ourselves as flawed and unworthy of connection.  It’s impossible to be “real” when we are ashamed of who we are or what we believe.

Women who reach out to others who are experiencing shame have higher levels of shame resilience.  Reaching out allows us to share our stories and create change.  When we don’t reach out to others, we often start separating and insulating ourselves from others. 

Women who speak shame have higher levels of shame resilience.  Speaking shame gives us the tools we need to express how we feel and ask for what we need.  When we don’t speak shame, we often start to shut down or act out. 

I guess this blog is my way of reaching out to others and of speaking my shame.  I plan to continue working on my shame resilience and to learn more by checking out her website (often) at www.brenebrown.com. 

Excerpts from Brown, Brene, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.  I Thought It Was Just Me:  Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame.  New York:  Gotham Books, 2007.