As you’ve probably read, I had a rather sizable gain this week.  The odd thing is that I feel every added pound.

On the way down the scale, I felt positively thin at this weight.  Of course, I was comparing how I felt to how I felt at a much higher weight.  Now, having seen what it felt like to be a few pounds lighter, I actually feel those added pounds.  I don’t feel terrible, but I do feel them.  Whoever would have thought that such a few pounds could make a difference?  For the great majority of my adult life, I could probably have gained or lost 15 pounds or more without feeling any difference.

Everything really is relative.  The favored term that seems to be applied to me recently is “Skinny Minnie.”  I’ve written before about my intense dislike of that phrase.  There’s just something about it that makes me cringe inside and my skin crawl at the very sound of it.  I may be thinner, but I am far from skinny, so I’m sure that these people are merely comparing my current appearance to my previous appearance.  I am skinny in comparison.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and have had a major realization.  I believe that one of the reasons for my success so far has been that I’ve done this entirely (well, mostly) for myself and myself alone.  When I was younger and would dream about losing weight, it was mostly attached to the idea of “I’ll show them!”  While “showing them” has been a somewhat fun side benefit to the weight loss, I’ve really done this for myself and for my own health.  I’ll admit that that fun side benefit has also been somewhat annoying at times, especially when hearing things like “you get better looking every time I see you!”  Argh.  I really don’t believe people think about how what they say sounds to others.

I’ve been given a lot of opinions lately.  Several people have expressed fears that I may lose too much weight. (As if that’s even possible for me.  You’ve all read about how much I love to eat.)  I feel that I must state that I don’t plan on losing too much.  Whatever that is.  I’m not going to turn into one of those women who lose a lot of weight to become obsessed with reaching a perfect size 4.  I have no desire to be anywhere near that thin.  As I said, it’s not even possible.

On the other hand, I am sure that there are others who are terrified that I’m going to gain the weight back.  I tend to be one of them.  While I’m downright determined not to gain much, if any, of it back ever again, life happens.  I know I’m certainly going to do my best.  While my mom is one of those who says she thinks I’m getting too thin, she’s also one of those people that give me “the eye” when she sees me eating ice cream.  Talk about mixed signals.

While the compliments are always nice and always appreciated, the doubts and criticism can be kind of hard to take.  And can be somewhat devastating.  My internal response to them is that nothing I can do will ever be good enough.  Gain too much and I’m a failure.  Lose too much and I’m a freak.  First I was worried about gaining too much and now I’m having to worry about losing too much? I don’t think so.  I don’t think my goals (and my doctor’s goals for me) are unreasonable.  So I came to what I think is the single greatest revelation of my life.

I give up.

I give up striving to be any other person’s ideal.  I give up trying to make others happy.  If I strive to be someone else’s ideal, I’ll be striving forever, with the finish line forever out of reach.  Every single person that lives and breathes has in their head an image of what “ideal” means.  And no two people will ever have the same exact image of what that ideal is.  There’s no way to please everyone.

So, I can only make myself happy.  I need to discover my own ideal and make that my goal to strive for.  I need to forget about all of the outside noise that’s beating me down and just do what is right for me.  And quite possibly, ideal may be the wrong word.  When I say “my own ideal,” I really mean that place where I’m happy in my own skin (even the extra skin).  That place of happiness most likely will not even be tied to the scale at all.  I already feel deep inside that I’m almost there.

I encourage each and every one of you to let go of whatever crazy ideal that you may have allowed to force itself into the back of your mind.  Forget making others happy and strive to be the best you that you can be.  Because, as Carlos reminded me, we’re all pretty special just as we are.