Confession Time

Through the fog of my fatigue, I’ve slowly been trying to catch up on some blog-reading – I know I’m way, way behind.  And while I care about each and every one of you, I just haven’t had the energy to keep up lately.  I’m trying to get caught up, though, because I want hear all about what each of you have been up to.  So I am sorry if I haven’t been as supportive lately.  I do think about each of you often.

I did read a couple of blogs today that really struck a chord with me.  The first was Pasta Queen’s post entitled “My half life.”  While I haven’t suffered from the chronic pain that she has been going through over the past year, I have mentioned several times my persistent foggy-headedness, exhaustion, mental confusion, anxiety, etc.  I honestly believe that this has been going on for years, but just decided to swell up to unmanageable proportions over the past year.  Pasta Queen mentions going about her life, pretending to others that she is just fine, that everything is just fine, and I identified so strongly with that sentiment.  Many of the people around me, my mom included, had no idea how rotten I’d been feeling.  It also had snuck up on me so gradually, that I felt that I was imagining it – that maybe it was just normal for me.  I also never consulted doctors about it for a variety of reasons.  1) I hated going to the doctor and they would have just bitched at me about my weight; and 2) I did ask a doctor about it once and she acted like I was imagining it.

I had some bloodwork done at the beginning of the summer that indicated possible thyroid issues.  I finally broke down and saw my general physician this fall and had more blood work done.  These results were much closer to the normal ranges.  The interesting thing is that I had fallen pretty far off plan before this second set of blood tests and I wonder if that might have anything to do with the more normal results.  I’m currently lost in a sea of confusion.

Because of these normal results (or what my doctor considered normal-enough), he is sure that all of my problems have been caused by anxiety.  I will admit that I have had issues with anxiety throughout my life, but I’m not sure that it is the sole cause of all of this (I’ve considered everything from the anxiety to the things I’ve been eating as potential causes).  Of course, thyroid problems can cause anxiety.  Since he believes that it is the anxiety causing these problems, he has been trying me on a variety of anti-anxiety medications.  He started with Lexapro – so did not go well.  He then consulted with his colleague and put me on Venlafaxine (generic for Effexor).  Because he was concerned about jitteriness and sleeplessness, he put me on a very, very low dose of Lorazepam before bedtime to hopefully help me sleep.  The funny thing is that Lorazepam is what we give my dad to bring him out of his worst seizure episodes (a much higher dose, of course).  The first week I was on the Venlafaxine, I actually thought that it might really help.  I was only on one pill a day and was taking a full low-dose Lorazepam pill (he said I could take 1/2 a pill if I didn’t think I needed as much).  The only side effect was being more tired.  After a week, he told me to increase the Venlafaxine dose to one pill twice a day.  I started this dose the day before Christmas.  Ever since I started the two a day, I have been feeling very down, almost depressed, and even more tired (which I never would have thought was possible). And the anxiety is still there.  I’ve experimented with half and full doses of the Lorazepam.

I did have a problem with depression in high school and college, but over the past few years have really had no problems with it (other than the usual PMS crap) and have felt pretty great emotionally.  The exhaustion, fogginess, etc. was still there, however.   

I’ve also noticed in the past few days that my hands are shaking even more than normal at times.  Even my mom noticed it yesterday. 

So that is what has been going on with me.  I occasionally have bursts of energy (the hiking over the weekend, the chores I got done Sunday), but 98% of the time, I just don’t have the energy to even think about getting stuff done (hence the fact that I’m so far behind on stuff).  Before you say that it’s the medication, I honestly felt this way before he started trying me on this stuff.  There were many times when just the thought of doing every day things would wear me out.  I don’t truly believe that it’s all caused by anxiety or even depression, because I do have other physical symptoms, as well.  To me, they still point to thyroid problems.  If it were just anxiety or depression and they could find something that would work, I would be all for it.  I will admit that I am avidly anti-medication unless it is absolutely and completely necessary.  But at this point, I’m willing to try anything.

The other blog post that I read today was written by Sara.  In it she discusses her weight gain of the previous year.  It really struck me, because I have regained about 10-11 pounds from my lowest of this summer.  I’m still okay with where I am, and have still lost over 150 pounds, but I’ve started to feel as though I’m letting people down.  But I am human.  I have a problem with food.  I will always have a problem with food.  I will never claim again that my weight is “gone forever!”  I will never preach to you about what you “should” do and what you “should” eat and how losing weight will solve all of your problems.  Skinny people still get sad.  They still get sick.  Deep down, you will still be the same person after you lose the weight.  And only you know who that is and what is best for that person.  I know how easily the weight can come back on.  I understand that it will be an everyday struggle – forever.  Sara said it perfectly:

I am going to keep talking. I’m going to keep fighting. And I’m going to keep writing about that fight–because while I’m bravely throwing around the truth let me share another bit of it that I’ve learned: This battle is never ending. There is no magic moment when we cross some imaginary finish line into a magical land where the food and fat are no longer a problem and we get to start our real lives. There is no cure for obesity, only the constant, vigilant management of the condition. Maybe the very best we can hope for is that we’re up to the challenge most of the time. The truth is that right now, I am. Today is another day in an endless number of days just like it before me, and I’m back on my game.

Hopefully Sara won’t mind that I quoted her here, but I was profoundly touched by what she wrote.  And so, while I face my own struggles and keep on fighting, I hope you’ll bear with me.  Hugs to you all!