I’m Apparently Somewhat of a Hypocrite

When I went to see my primary care doctor on Monday, and told him the meds were making no ground on the exhaustion/anxiety, I could just about see him mentally throwing his hands up in the air.  I specifically asked him if he thought that there could be some other medical cause for it all and he said, “No, I don’t think so.”  Well, phbbbt to that.  I do see my endocrinologist on Tuesday and will go to have more bloodwork (to double-check results) tomorrow.  It was kind of funny to hear him say (after looking at my chart) that otherwise I seem to be in pretty good health.  Not only am I feeling like crap, but I’m still not used to hearing something like that when it’s not followed up with “but you NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!”

So he gave me another prescription for another anti-anxiety med (ugh) to try and said if it didn’t work then he’d need to call in reinforcements in the form of a psychiatrist.  I’m not going to post the name of the med here because I don’t want to hear horror stories about it.  I am also refusing to look it up for possible side effects, because I want to give it a fair chance.  Darn Google.  I haven’t filled the prescription yet, but will on Saturday.  I will say I’m off the Lorazepam and will be off the Effexor as of Sunday when I start taking the new med.

Regardless of what happens, I’m considering going to one of the psychiatrists that he recommended.  Perhaps even before I find out if it’s going to work or not.  Part of me figures that it couldn’t hurt.  I have been dealing with a lot – stress at work, stress at home, my health, my parents’ health, my brother’s death (still), this weight loss thing, compulsive overeating, etc., etc., etc.  In fact, I think I’ve mentioned on here before that I might consider talking to someone about all that I’ve been going through regarding my weight loss and still think it’s a good idea.

And here comes the but…..part of me just doesn’t want to.  For one thing, even in this day and age, there is such a stigma surrounding mental health issues for some people.  For another, you’d never know it from this blog, but I have serious “sharing” issues.  I’m overwhelmingly shy at times.  Even with close friends, I have a hard time sharing personal things.  I think part of me fears ridicule, while another part fears that they really don’t want to hear it.  Of course, in a shrink-client situation, I’d be paying him/her to listen to me.  :)  I just hate that possible feeling/fear of judgment.  Then there’s also a part of me that I think is afraid to face and deal with some of the issues in my life.  How’s that for honesty?  I know that after my brother’s death, I forced myself to shut down a lot of emotion in order to be there for my parents.  That wasn’t healthy, I know, but it carried over into other areas of my life.  I became Scarlett.  “I’ll think about it tomorrow,” yet tomorrow never comes.  I think I was afraid that if I let myself feel the emotion, then I’d just lose it completely.  I think I’m still afraid of that.

Now, as far as being a hypocrite.  I’m usually the first person to recommend therapy to others.  I think that it can be extremely beneficial to most people.  And not only that, but I have a freaking Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology!  I wanted to BE a therapist at one point!  I guess it’s true that if you’re looking for the craziest students, look to the psych students. 

So I think I’ll do my research on these names my doc gave me, as well as what my insurance benefits are in this arena, and give it some more thought.  And maybe one of these days I’ll get up the courage to make that call.  I will say that reading this woman’s experiences with her therapist gives me hope.

I wish for good mental health for all!