I have securely destroyed the almost five pound loss that I had last week. In fact, if my peek at the scale today has any validity, then I can expect to gain about 8 pounds this week. My little incident with my cut finger the previous Sunday sent me into “I don’t care” mode. Then on Thursday and Friday, I barely ate anything since I was feeling so crappy, but then over the weekend, I more than made up for it.
I’ve been considering a name change. Perhaps my middle name should be changed to “Pizza” or “Kit-Kat.” Or maybe even just “yum.” That seems to sum it up succinctly. I was so hungry over the weekend (actual hunger, not just I want to eat hunger) that I swear I could have looked at my pillow and thought “yum.” Or even my hand, but that would be pretty painful to take a bite of and I don’t like pain.
The entire month of February is always hard for me. The anniversary of my brother’s death is coming up and then his birthday is the following week and even six years (my God, it’s been six years?!?) later, it’s still rough. I’ve noticed that my whole mood shifts during February. It’s strange because I forget every February. Of course, I remember the dates and know it’s coming, but the emotions still catch me by surprise every year. I’ll be going along, living life, going to work, and then realize that ”hey, my mood seems really off lately for some reason.” ” I totally over-reacted to this” or “that shouldn’t have made me cry.” And then I’ll remember what month it is. And I’m like, “ohhhh yeaaah.”
So I’m sure that there is some emotional eating involved, but I think that a lot of it is just focusing my attention elsewhere. When I was in my “honeymoon phase” on Weight Watchers (more about that another day), I firmly believe that I was so successful because I was so single-minded. Losing weight became my job. That’s all I thought about practically, and planning my next meal took priority. Right now, and especially over the last week, I’ve had more important pressing concerns (my ER visit, my mom is out of town, so I’m worried something will happen to my dad, etc.). I haven’t been so vigilant in my efforts. And, for right now, as long as things don’t get too out of control, then I’m okay with that.
I believe that that is also why I’ve struggled so much over the past year and have mostly just maintained. My weight is no longer a dire situation and there were other, more important, more pressing matters that needed attention. I’m not at my ideal weight, but I’m also only about 15 pounds over where I need to be (probably 20 after this week). It isn’t urgent that I lose weight NOW anymore. I am also not the kind of person that can just eat healthy and in perfect portions without planning every bite that crosses my mouth. We all know I have problems with portion control.
This is just life. My life anyway, for now, and this is how it’s going to have to be. I’ll be hyper-vigilant when I can be (like last week when I lost more than four pounds), and when I can’t, I’ll do the best I can. I may have a few weeks over which I only maintain, but then when I can be, I’ll be hyper-vigilant again. It’s all about balance for me right now.
My only goals right now and for the month of February are to drink more water (I’ve been slacking, which I’m sure didn’t help my fainting spell – especially when all I drink is water) and to stay under 195. Other than that, I’m cutting myself some slack and am going to try to be good to myself.
You guys do the same. Don’t beat yourselves up too drastically over the little things, and be sure to treat yourselves nicely! Life’s too short for anything else.
Sorry to hear you’re struggling (but glad to see you’re posting.) It gets so hard sometimes, doesn’t it?
My WW leader often says “it’s never too late to succeed!”
maggieapril’s last blog post..I’m Thrilled to be Overweight!
Each day has it struggles, We each as individuals have to decide each day on what we want for ourselves. The only person we have to please is ourself. If we are pleased with how things are going, that’s cool and if were not, we are the only ones that can change it.
You have done well and you will continue to do well. Life does alter our plans.
Ron’s last blog post..Points vs Calories
Pam, reading your post sounded like I could have wrote it. I go through times like this too. I’m not as close to my goal as you are but I picture myself being this way because really it’s about living life and being happy. Hope you get to feeling better and hope February goes by quickly for you. I’m sorry you’re grieving. *hugs*
Dawn’s last blog post..Lazy Sunday and back to work Monday
February is a rough month no matter what. Personally, I feel like I am just going to get down and crawl until spring. And I feel like this every year too.
clickmom’s last blog post..sleep posting
Right on, Pamela! This post has reminded me so much of how I was in the honeymoon stage and how hard it is to maintain. My thoughts will be with you this month. :0)
Lter4ever’s last blog post..How LT met DH
I’m glad you’re persevering and setting attainable goals even during a difficult time. I think the place we’re in now is more comparable to the seven year itch, just gotta get through it.
Christina’s last blog post..So, we meet again…
I have the same problems you’re describing in the period of the end of may through the beginning of July. My father passed away at the age of 51 in July after finding out suddenly that he had terminal cancer and given 2 days to 2 weeks to live (he survived a month and a half). That was 3 years ago and I still struggle to deal with it every day. I was only 23 when he passed and I think what made it the worst was I was almost finished getting my B.S. and that was something he’d been really excited about.
But, things get better, and life goes on (whether we like it or not) and it does get a little easier. Chin up, we’re all here for you
Amber
Amber’s last blog post..Morning time it is!