I peeked at the scale before I hopped in the shower this afternoon, and to my surprise, I was down another 1.8 pounds since my weigh-in yesterday. I know that in all probability it is just a fluke or the body’s natural ups and downs, but I’m determined to make it through the rest of the week and weekend without blowing it.
Disney navel oranges have made it on my list of things I’ll never buy again (along with Vitamuffins – which unlike the rest of the population, I can’t stand). Don’t get me wrong, they taste incredible, but they are a serious pain in the ass to peel and section! My God! Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve struggled with every one that I’ve had this week.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about various things and one of the things I’ve been thinking about is why I’ve been struggling so much this past year. Was it boredom? Was it complacency? Was it fear? Was it just because I had less to lose? Perhaps it was a combination of all of the above. In fact, I’m pretty sure that all of those played a factor in it.
I’m starting to wonder if the biggest component wasn’t some crazy internal fear. While I had struggled more and more over the past year, things didn’t really start going downhill (uphill??) until my doctor told me that she only wanted me to lose about 10 more pounds. So was I really harboring some nutty fear of reaching my goal weight? Was I afraid that I was going to have to start facing things that I had been putting off facing? All throughout my journey, I don’t think I ever really thought that there was a possibility that I would reach my goal weight. I was doubtful that I’d even be able to lose 50 pounds, and no one was more surprised than me when the weight actually began coming off.
I wonder if while my external persona did a happy little jig when she told me I only had to lose 10 more pounds, some internal part of me didn’t go into instant panic mode. “OMG what’ll I do then??!?” Fighting with my weight has been a major part of my life since I was about 8 years old (I’m 31 now).
I don’t know who I’ll be at my goal weight. Am I afraid of that, or am I really afraid that the more realistic result is that I’ll be exactly the same person I’ve always been. And am I okay with that?
Since my major struggles also started right around the time that my doctor started trying me on different medications, I can’t really know for sure what has been the cause, except to believe that it all played a role. And I honestly don’t have a bunch of answers yet, but just wanted to share what I’ve been thinking about.
All I know is that I really want to try again. I want to be proud of myself again.
Rebecca
Allyson
Margene
Shainer
Taryl
Pamela, you should always be proud of yourself, you’ve come an amazingly far way. I don’t think the last 10 lbs should carry so much weight (no pun intended) but I can totally understand how it does. Good luck with it and know no matter what you’re a great person.
Dawn’s last blog post..Frustrated!!!
Hey Pam! I was just thinking about this. I have a lot more weight to lose, but what do you do when you finally reach your goal weight???
I guess you just gotta give it some time—eventually you will figure things out
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Tony’s last blog post..From High to Low
You should be proud of yourself anyway, but I do understand what you mean. (((hug)))
moonduster’s last blog post..Ahead Of Schedule
I agree with the other commentors… you have a lot to be proud of! You’ve accomplished something major.
But I also get that we need to be constantly challenged and praised for our latest achievements… Nobody wants to be a has-been! And no, there’s nothing wrong, vain, or shallow about it!
How about training for something like a 5K, or taking up a new sport like rowing? Something that will bring you closer to your goal, but provide you with additional rewards and satisfaction…
hanlie’s last blog post..Less of me
My biggest fear is that when I finally hit goal…I’m not going to be happy enough with myself still and my healthy attempt at weight loss will turn into something very unhealthy.
How’s your week going Pam?
Dawn’s last blog post..Giving myself a break
Who will you be when you meet your goal?
You will be Pamela….the same thoughtful, loving, lady you are now.
Ten pounds isn’t going to change you…..any change from the old Pamela has already taken place – and even that change hasn’t taken place in who you *really* are, I’ll bet.
You are a brave girl to have faced yourself and lost as much as you have. You’ve changed much in your life to accomplish this feat.
I am proud to know you now, and I’ll be proud to know you 10 pounds less.
karyn’s last blog post..Was it worth it?