I Am Not a Bad Person

Prepare yourself for a bit of honesty.  It’s no secret that I’ve been a bit discouraged lately by my apparent inability to stick with “the Plan.”  Unfortunately, I’ve found myself falling into some of the same old behaviors and traps that used to be a part of my personal makeup.

When I started Weight Watchers, I joined in 2004 after I saw the success of a good friend who made her goal weight.  I joined online, but just couldn’t seem to get myself going.  It was a year after my brother’s death and while I wanted to lose weight – as I had almost all my life – I just couldn’t get started.  I paid for WW online for two years before I actually started using it in June 2006.  I knew that if I stopped paying for it, then I would have no incentive to get with it, but if I kept paying for it, then eventually the guilt of wasting money would get my ass into gear.  Luckily it finally did – along with my mom’s breast cancer diagnosis – and I started losing.

It was so exciting getting on that scale each week.  I weighed a lot, so I still got lots of points and still got to eat a lot.  Two huge pluses for someone that likes to eat.  I couldn’t believe that I could still eat and lose weight.  All my life, I imagined a life of near starvation anytime I imagined actually losing weight.  It opened my eyes.

I stayed perfectly (well, almost perfectly) on plan for over two years.  I lost 160 pounds.  Then, early last year, I started struggling.  I had some health issues that I think made it harder, but I won’t use that as an excuse.  I still continued to lose, however, and reached my lowest of 179 pounds about a year ago.  I began struggling, but I stuck with it and hung on to my loss until early this year.  I then fell and fell hard.  The only thing that I can tell that might have been a trigger is a new medication that I was put on.  Ever since, It’s been harder and harder for me to get back on plan.  I know I need to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss it and plan to do so.

My main issue right now is that I have a really bad habit and problem with beating myself up.  They always say that no one can judge you more than you judge yourself – a/k/a you are your own worst critic.  Nowhere is this more true than where I’m concerned.  All of my life I’ve abused myself internally because of my weight.  I’ve beat myself up inside, called myself names.  Freak, disgusting, to name a couple.  Needless to say, this type of self-talk doesn’t bode well for your self-esteem.

I knew that I was slightly intelligent – I did well in school.  I knew also that I could be a good friend.  But there were times that this weight-related abuse would overshadow all of the other good qualities that I felt I might have.  I felt there was something inherently wrong with me.  I wasn’t normal.

As I was losing the weight, I began to feel better and better about myself.  I didn’t beat myself up as much – if at all.  I more often congratulated myself on what I was accomplishing and walked with my head held high.  I still beat myself up a bit on other grounds (I’m pretty shy and get really nervous in social situations), but it was nothing like what I put myself through before.

Since I began struggling, however, I’ve felt some of the old self-talk re-enter the back of my mind.  I’ve started beating myself up again.  And, as well all know, this can be a vicious, never-ending cycle with food.

But I was thinking today – while I was in the shower, because really, what better place? – and realized that I AM being stupid.  I. Am. Not. A. Bad. Person.  Just because I have an issue with food and with my weight does not make me a bad person.  Regardless of what my internal critic likes to tell me, it does not make me a bad person.  Kicking someone when they’re down, hitting a dog, killing a bunny – those would make me a bad person.

I need to start treating myself with the same respect I would give anyone else.  I would never, never, never even think of talking to someone else the way I sometimes do to myself.  Not even in my head.  I need to remind myself of my good qualities that don’t disappear just because I’ve packed on a few pounds.  I’m still me.  I’m buried under a couple of new layers of fat, but I’m still me.

Now, it’s not easy.  I know it’ll take work as anything worthwhile in life does, but deep down I really know who I am.  And that person doesn’t change regardless of the number on the scale.  I need to accept her and learn to work with what I’ve got.  There are more important things in life than what the scale says.  My value doesn’t decrease as the number on the scale goes up.  I’ve always believed that to be true about everyone else.  I just now need to convince myself that it’s true in my own case.

I’m not going to give up my struggle with that number.  I’m just going to try to be a bit nicer to myself as I fight the battle.

I did have one experience today that put a smile on my face.  A woman that I worked closely with on a project several years ago came in to check on something.  I haven’t seen her since before I started WW.  Unsurprisingly, my appearance blew her away.  I’ve regained 30 pounds, but I was still 130 pounds less than the last time she saw me.  I’ve regained 30 pounds, but someone was still in awe over how I looked.  It re-opened my eyes and made me feel better about myself than I have in a long time.  While a part of me was horribly sad that such a compliment or recognition could have that big of an impact, I was also pleased to remember that while I’ve slipped, I haven’t lost everything that I’ve worked for….yet.  My mission now is to make sure that doesn’t happen.

So, while I hope and pray that all of you struggling with your weight have never known a moment of self-doubt or self-recrimination, I can’t believe that I’m totally alone in beating myself up.  If you’re one of the few like me, give yourself a break.  Give yourself a hug.  And allow yourself to appreciate yourself for who you are right now, regardless of what the number on the scale says or what you see in the mirror.