Shame (according to dictionary.com):
(shām) n.
1. a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.
3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.
–noun
1. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
2. Pamela
Oh wait….how did that last one get in there? Shame has been my friend for the past several months. In fact, shame is often a well-known companion for many overweight people. Or at least I’m hoping it’s not just unique to me. But wait, I don’t really wish it on anyone else, so I really hope no one else is feeling it. Yes, obviously, I’m a mess.
Over the next few weeks I’m going to have to face the shame of the weight I’ve regained. So far, the only people who have seen this new (old?) weight that I’ve reattached to my body are the people I work with and my immediate family.
This weekend, my aunt and uncle are coming into town to visit. I haven’t seen them in a year – which happens to have been when I was pretty close to my lowest weight. Argh. Now, I know that they’re not impolite enough to mention it, but I have to wonder what will be going through their heads when they see me.
The following week, a couple of days after my birthday, one of the friends that I saw in California is coming back to KC to visit and we’re all going to dinner. I haven’t seen him since I was there in March. And sadly, the greatest majority of my weight has come on since then. The last I saw him, I looked like this:
I’ve gained 30 pounds since then. Argh.
I hate feeling like a cliche. The Weight Watcher that gained some of it back. Even though I’ve got the crazy skyrocketing of my weight under control now and am not really gaining any more (even had a loss this week), they won’t know that. I haven’t given up and AM NOT GOING TO JUST KEEP GAINING, but they won’t know that. And I, of course, don’ t plan on bringing it up.
But I know that I’ve gained weight, and know that they will notice it, and it will remain that unspoken elephant in the room (no, I don’t mean me, although I feel like an elephant on most days now).
I’m also really afraid to see my extended family on my mom’s side before I re-lose the weight. Several are weight-wardens (well, a few more than the others) and are constantly concerned about and talking about who has gained and who has lost and who needs to do both. I know that as soon as I leave the room, it’ll be: “I knew it. I knew it wouldn’t last.” “Oh yeah, me too. I knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it off, but can you believe how much she regained?”
Unlike the family I just mentioned, I luckily know that the aunt and uncle that are coming this weekend, and my friend that is coming in a couple of weeks, don’t really care what I weigh. I know that the problem with it is solely mine.
A long while ago, I posted about Brene Brown’s book about shame. It’s geared towards women, but I still believe that anyone, man or woman, can find something to take from it.
Brene defines shame in this way:
Shame is best defined as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates fear, blame and disconnection.
I think it’s time I went back and reread her book.
Oh my sweet Pamela…you have nothing to be feel shame about. This stuff happens. We lose, we gain, we lose. It’s been the story of my life.
I know what you’re feeling, but seriously my friend, stop feeling like that. So you screwed it up a wee bit. No biggie. You’re back on track now, and even if you fall off again, and you surely will, you’ll just get back on track again.
Don’t worry, if people are stupid to enough to think any different of you because you’ve gained a bit of weight back, just forget about them. They’re not important enough to even worry about.
You’re a lovely, beautiful person at any weight. That’s what’s really important.
Thank you for the book mention. Shame has been a near constant companion and the bane of my existance. I’m working hard to get rid of it.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. You are a lovely, worthwhile human who happened to gain some weight. That’s not worthy of shame. Treat yourself with some loving kindness – and kick shame to the curb.
Shame is a useless, draining emotion that has no place in a happy and fulfilling life, Pamela! You are not the sum of the number on the scale and I think the biggest step – ackowledging the issue and choosing to get back on track – has already been dealt with.
Maybe try a change of perspective? You’re not weak or bad for regaining some weight, but rather amazing for continuing to fight it and get back where you want to be. Weightloss is a lifelong journey, and all journeys have hills to surmount. As long as you keep plodding, you are progressing along and winning this war.
I’m rooting for you, Pamela!
I love your blog because it is honest. And inspiring. And vulnerable. And real.
I know the shame that you are describing (and not because I’ve studied it for the last decade). I know it because I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. And I’ll be there again.
I truly believe, in my heart and in my head, that shame stands no chance with you.
Your willingness to put it out there – to name it – takes its power away and reminds the rest of us that we’re not alone.
Thank you for that.
You rock.
BB
Hang in there sweetie, you will take the weight back off and there is never anything to be ashamed of. Are you healthier than you used to be – are you happier than you used to be? I bet you are – so no shame!
You have nothing to be ashamed about! Having lost so much weight means you have to work harder at maintaining than someone who has never been overweight. And you are still so much smaller than you were at your high weight. Life sometimes gives us these little blips, but you’ve got it under control now and it’s just temporary.
Just know that you are beautiful NOW and if others don’t see how beautiful you are at any weight, then you shouldn’t care what they think anyway.
(((hug))
I know exactly how you feel. I have lost and regained a substantial amount of weight (over 60 pounds) three times in my life and it gets harder and harder to deal with the shame I have but I realized that friends and family don’t really care how much we weigh, they love us no matter what the scale says. Now if we could only love ourselves, huh?
Take care of yourself and try to think positive about where you are going, not where you’ve been.
I can appreciate exactly how you feel, although you are not right to feel that way. For a start, you’ve already said that you’ve got a handle on the gain, and in fact have already started to do something about it. That to me says a tremendous amount about your determination and commitment to your health and well-being. Obviously, I don’t know what bought on this gain, but the very fact that you’ve caught it says to me that you can indeed do this for life. I have lots of friends who have never had a real weight problem in their life. We’re talking people who weigh 8 – 10 stone and probably haven’t been above a UK size 10-12 max in their life. Several of them are considerably smaller than that. But here’s the thing – their weights fluctuate. Fact. People’s weight does fluctuate over time – the main thing is that in a healthy person it then fluctuates back down again. I think us Weight Watchers are far too conscious of the gains and often too dismissive of the downs.
With the aunt and uncle who you’re about to see, if it’s honestly haunting you this much, and as you say they’re too polite to bring it up, which probably means they’re understanding too – why not just bring it up yourself, put it in the open and state that you’re doing something about it. It might seem weird, but it might also make you feel a hell of a lot better to have made the statement of intent and not being feeling like you might be being secretly judged.
You are so not alone with this. Apologies for the epic comment! But please don’t feel so disheartened.
Oh Pamela! I know how hard that can be. You want to hide from everyone cause you’re just sure they are thinking about ‘how fat’ you are or how much you’ve gained etc etc. But you don’t need to feel ashamed!!! We all have our flaws. None of us are perfect. There are people who have multiple DUI’s. And there’s people who’ve been fired from multiple jobs. And there’s the school drop-outs, the drug addicts, the people with terrible tempers…
We all have stuff we want to hide and feel ashamed of, but your body shouldn’t be one of them.
YOU know in your heart you are on the right track now. It doesn’t matter what they know or what they think. YOU are all that matters.
Keep working hard. You are goign to be just fine. And those people…they love you…and they will support you no matter what size you happen to be.
NO SHAME! I have lost and gained my weight SIX times. It is part of the process. You are moving forward right so don’t look back. I am currently losing weight that I have already lost before. Back and forth. One day i will get of the yo yo train and you will too!
Pamela – thanks for your honest post.
In about 4 hours, I am walking back to my first Weight Watchers meeting in a long, long while.
I have this knotted up hairball deep inside of me – feeling range from shame to failure on through excitement.
The shame and failure comes from knowing that this is my upmteenth time returning to WW as a prodigal – as one who has lost 100+ pounds and reached lifetime TWICE.
The excitement comes from knowing that I KNOW I can do this and I KNOW that most people who have long-term success do it only after multiple attempts.
All we can do is to get up, dust ourselves off, learn from the experience and get back into the game.
How cool that Brene posted a comment, now if she’s telling you shame has no chance with you, you have to believe *smile*. I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping up with your recent posts but like so many others said you have no reason to feel shame, you’ve come a long way and really this is about the person you are not the body you’re in. We all struggle and this is for life after all. *hugs*
As someone who has intimate knowledge of shame, let me tell you that it’s one of the most useless emotions out there…
You know you can do this. It doesn’t matter what “they” think! Good luck, Pamela! I believe in you.
And I’m checking out that book!
I just found you through Tony (anti Jared) & felt moved to comment on this post.
Yes, you gained BUT the most important thing is that you know it & you’re back in control. In fact, you’ve already gotten back on track to the point that you’ve recently had a loss. That is something to celebrate!
Please let go of the shame. Forgive yourself for not being perfect…none of us are perfect no matter what that little annoying voice inside tries to tell us.
The judgemental family…to heck with them.
Enjoy the friends who don’t care about your weight & try not to let the other ones bother you.
Best wishes,
Lynn