We’ve already established that in the weight loss blogging world, no news is bad news. So it should come as no complete surprise that that is the case in my world.
I’ve gained. A lot. In the past year, I’ve gained just over half of my weight back; most of it since last May. Of course I’m not happy about this (other than the previously mentioned absence of my patulous eustachian tube issues) and am feeling pretty crummy about myself. I’m sure that also comes as no surprise. I don’t know what the hell my problem is.
I can’t believe that it has been over a month since I posted. I’ve thought about writing several times, and other times avoided the thought of posting. I’ve gotten back on plan a couple of times only to lose my way just a couple of days later. Weekends, which used to be my easiest days, are now my biggest downfall. At one point, after being back on plan for a couple of days, I decided that I would wait until I’d made it through a couple of weeks before posting so that I would actually have some good news to post. Since this has been my first post in more than a month, you know how well that turned out.
I was also tired of wavering between the “I don’t know why I keep doing this” type of whining to “this is it! No more! I’m back on track from here on out!” And then just failing again. It was getting old to me, so I’m sure it was to you, as well. Besides, there’s enough negativity in the world without me adding my own to the mix.
I don’t know if anyone is still out there reading this, but I’m here. I’m trying. I’m trying not to give up on myself. I’ve said before that I’ve done this before and so I know I can do it again, but there’s a sneaky internal part of me that wonders if that is true. Was it just a fluke? Can I really do it again? At times I almost wish that I had never lost all of that weight so that I wouldn’t have had to have felt and experienced the joy of losing it and then the failure that followed. But life’s made up of all kinds of experiences, right?
A part of me says it’s okay as long as I make a genuine effort, especially since this was my first real weight loss attempt. I’d guess not many people keep it all off on their first try. No matter how many times I told myself I would be one of the few.
There are so many reasons and excuses I could give for why I’ve regained this weight and not all of them lead back to a pure lack of will power. In fact, very few of them do. But I’ll spare both you and myself the agony of seeing them in print. The point is that a lot of the weight is back, and I need to start fighting again. Not necessarily to lose the weight again (although that would be nice), but to bring myself back to the land of the living.
Allyson
Rebecca
Taryl
Hey Pam, just wanted to let you know that I’m rooting for you to get back on the bandwagon. I know how easy it is to gain the weight back, as I have been in the same shoes. Just don’t give up, and start updating more regularly. Best of luck.
Tony
Tony the Pink Panda´s last blog ..Put This In My Mouth: It’s a Blizzard Out There
I’m gonna do my best, Tony! Thanks for being there!
Hi Pamela. I’m sorry that things are so difficult on the weight front at the moment.
I think looking at the reasons is really important. Because those are what you really need to tackle. That is the stuff which is holding you up. This battle is primarily a mental one remember. It’s not about the food, but what’s in your head.
Well done on getting a post up! I had a while after Christmas when I couldn’t post (not due to weight gain) and I know how difficult it was for me to write those first few sentences.
Finding your way through the mental blackages/ issues is essential and if you can just keep posting on those things then it will probably prove helpful in the longer term on getting going with some healthy eating and exercise.
Hope you’re feeling better about this whole thing very soon.
Bearfriend xx
Bearfriend´s last blog ..A walk down by the canal
Bearfriend, thank you so much for your continued support! You are amazing and have given me much to think about! I’m going to work on figuring out what’s going on!
Hi Pam, good to see you. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Do you think your regain is related to depression. I always put the two hand in hand. I do think trying to be in the land of the living is a good choice. I know for me isolation is never a good thing. Hang in there. *hugs*
Dawn´s last blog ..My mom
Hi Dawn! Depression could definitely have something to do with it. I think I’ve mentioned before about how I think it’s somewhat of a cycle. You’re definitely right that the two go hand in hand – one leads to the other which leads back to the other, etc. Thank you for being there!
Welcome back to the *Land of the Living*, lol.
Well, I’m glad you finally made it here. It’s a start. Putting it out there that you’re struggling and have regain some more weight may be just the propulsion you need to get going again.
Whatever the reasons are for your regain, try to deal with them, but in the mean time, little by little add behaviors that will lead to you feeling better about yourself. Just that may set you back on teh road to dealing with the bigger demons.
All the best.
Thank you, Early! You’re absolutely right that making little steps is the best option for me. I’ve noticed in the past that I do better when I take things a little at a time. Baby steps!
Hi!
Came across your site through a list of weight loss blogs.
I am so glad to see you are still posting! I am sorry you have had a rough time of things!
If I had a dollar for everytime I fell of my bandwagon I would be a trillionair by now.
Get back up, brush yourself off and dont give up! You can do this!
The best of luck to you!
Caz
Caz´s last blog ..A Moment Of Clarity
Thank you for your support, Caz! It’s always great to hear from new people, too! Best of luck to you, too!
I’m so glad you posted! Pamela – all I can say is I totally understand. You know I once lost 110 pounds and gained it all back plus another 20. I’ve also lost 50, 60, 80 pounds and gained it all back plus more. I understand the feelings of humiliation and embrassment.
Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE UP. Keep trying, keep trying and keep trying again.
You’re a wonderful, beautiful person, you deserve a little bit of happiness in life, and I’m not talking about food. We both know food isn’t happiness. It isn’t love. It isn’t comfort. Comfort food is a big, fat myth.
There’s a book I want you to get and read, ‘The end of overeating’. The most important part is the second half of the book.
Please promise me you’ll do this. Also, email me anytime. I’m here for you…whatever I can do.
Most important, please don’t be angry with yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.
I promise you, it’s going to be okay.
Diana´s last blog ..It’s all about the attitude
Pamela –
I just found your blog through Diana’s. I’ve recently started on this weight loss journey again for like the 100th time. It’s hard to have to lose the same weight again after you’ve already worked so hard to lose it in the first place. The good news is that you know you can do it since you’ve done it before! And remember you never fail until you quit trying. Best of luck to you!
Mary Joy´s last blog ..A before and hope-this-is-how-I-look after picture…
Welcome, Mary Joy (what a beautiful name!)! Thank you for your support and you’re exactly right – I haven’t failed until I’ve quit trying! And that won’t happen!
OMG Pamela, I was just thinking about you, wondering where you were and how you were doing–and then I popped over and here you are.
I could write pages and pages of trite and oft repeated affirmations, but the thing is that you already know just what I would say so I’ll allow you to fill in the blanks with all the rah-rah, you can do it, chin up, you-go-girl support schtick and say this instead:
Those extra pounds you’ve found again are light as a feather compared to the shame and embarrassment that I suspect you’re carrying around with them. Just for today, or just for this hour, or heck even just for the next 60 seconds remind yourself that there is no shame in where you are now and let that burden lift away for a moment…and then concentrate–remember how it feels when it’s just the weight you’re carrying and not all the baggage it brought along for the ride. It’s not as heavy as it seems, sometimes.
The world loves a hero when he’s big and strong and flying over our heads and leaping tall buildings and doing what the rest of us dream that we could. But when he takes off his mask and shows us his face, when he reminds us that he’s human, when we see ourselves in the eyes that stare back at us–that’s when we love him the most. It’s when we start to believe that we actually can fly, because he did–and he will again.
You’re MY hero, Pamela. Always have been. Back in the air, friend.
Pamela … I am VERY glad to see you back in the blogosphere. This whole weight loss thing is HARD and I’m sorry that you’ve had such a struggle lately. I think the fact that you’re still aware and still blogging (despite breaks now and then) are positives. If we had it all figured out, everyone would be thin. Hang in there … and know that I’m rooting you (and myself) on!!
Sherre´s last blog ..Habits since childhood
Sherre, thank you so much! You can’t imagine how much I appreciate your continued support!
The important thing to realize is you are catching this NOW before you’ve gained it all back.
I often think that losing weight is the easy part, it’s the maintaining that is the hard part. You’ve come such a long way. Don’t give up! You can do this!!!
Michelle´s last blog ..
Michelle, you are so right. When I was losing the weight before, I really thought it was easy! Then I got happy with where I was and it’s all been downhill (uphill?) every since. Thank you for your support!
I agree with Michelle. You acknowledged it and now can move forward. It must have been a hard post to write. I am glad you are back and we are here to listen and root you on. You are definitely are NOT alone!
Thank you, Katie!!
I totally relate to how you feel. 2 years ago I lost 150+ lbs. No pills, no surgery. I have regained 60 lbs and I hate it. I’m now trying again to lose what I regained. I’m very frustrated with myself for getting back in this position. Good luck to you.
Thank you, Lisa! And good luck to you, as well! I’m sorry to hear that someone else is in a similar situation to me. But it just proves that we’re not alone and that we CAN do it again together!
I know exactly how you feel. Every single time I lose a substantial amount of weight I vow to never get fat again but I’ve broken that vow one too many times. I’m learning to just take each day and each decision one at a time. Don’t give up, you deserve better than that. Do something good for yourself and know we are all here to support you. We can both learn how to maintain a loss this time.
MB – I think you’ve landed on the key to this in taking things one day and one decision at a time. When you look at the big picture, sometime it gets too overwhelming. At least, that’s the case for me! Thank you for your support and you’re right – we can both do it!
I just discovered you through Diana’s blog, I’m new to blogging, so I didn’t know you before, but I know exactly what your feeling and my heart goes out to you. In fact, I can see why Diana’s so fond of you: your heart comes through loud and clear in your writing (and in your picture)and it is a good heart, one that deserves love, and joy and peace. You have all of that inside you already, you just have to remember that. Be kind and gentle to yourself and forgiving, as you would to a loved friend, you deserve that same kindness.
I have a book that has helped me enormously with all sorts of emotional issues, from anxiety to depression to insomnia and more, (and all of these states of mind affect my eating) it’s :
Acupressure for Emotional Healing by Michael Reed Gach. In it he explains simple holds we can do on ourselves to help us heal. I swear by it.
Anyway, I’m glad to have “met” you and I wish you continued success: reaching out is the best gift you gave yourself today, and your courage gives me strength, so thank you!
Welcome, Jackie! It’s always great to hear from new people! And welcome to the world of blogging! Thank you so much for your kind words. They brought tears to my eyes and were more appreciated that you know! I will definitely look into the book that you mentioned. It sounds interesting, and I look forward to hearing more from you! Good luck!
Hello, I just found you through Diana’s blog.
I’m so glad you’re trying not to give up on yourself. Keep fighting & hang in there! I know you can do it–after all, you’ve done it before!
Katie´s last blog ..but for the sky, there are no fences facing
Thank you for the support, Katie!! And welcome!
BUT YOU CAN STILL DO THIS.
Get back on track.
we’re all here for you.
Thank you, Miz! You’re right, as always! I just need to remind myself of that more often!
I’m so happy you posted. It sounds weird but I too have been thinking about you lately. I think most of us have been exactly where you are. I think we could all say the same things (which I am happy to do if it will be helpful to hear, but I will skip because you know it).
The time will come when things click again. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself credit when you do the right things. We are all right there with you and I do KNOW you can do it. This is such a hard process.
Thank you, Sarah! It doesn’t sound weird at all. I appreciate the support and it’s nice to know that people are out there that are thinking about you. Thank you SO much for your support!
Here’s an uplifting piece of information for you! The research actually shows that the more times a person tries to achieve something like permanent weight removal, the more likely he or she is to eventually succeed. Each attempt shows that you haven’t stopped thinking about it, and that you cared enough to try, and each time you try, you learn more about yourself and are able to do better the next time. I read something recently that said the #1 predictor of whether a smoker will eventually quit is how many times that person has tried to quit. The same seems to be true for weight loss, and I’ve seen evidence of it on many blogs & in my own life.
I’m also in the process of removing weight I already gained and lost more times than I’d like to count. But I’m inspired by the knowledge that people eventually do remove the weight and keep it off, and I know that I will never give up on myself. It sounds like you aren’t going to either.
Good luck, and I’ll be wishing you the very best in your journey! I’m out there with ya!
Ami
Amelia´s last blog ..Day 32