What to Write. . .What to Write

So often is the case that a person has writer’s block and can’t think of a darn thing to say.  (That happens to me anyway.)  Tonight, I have the exact opposite problem.  I’ve actually had this problem for a while now and I blame my anxiety issues for it.  I feel like my brain is running (why can’t my body follow?) in a million different directions at once and can’t stop to settle on any one idea – because, well, there are a million more out there to consider!

Sometimes this is fun, sometimes not so much.  When it comes to putting out a coherent thought, my mouth (or fingers) just can’t keep up. 

There are a couple of things I wanted to share with you:

This absolutely amazing postover at The Tippy Toe Diet.  It sums up a lot of the things I learned myself over the past few years.  I’ve written before about how I was an all-or-nothing girl when I lost the 160 pounds.  BIG mistake.  Big, BIG mistake.  In fact, I partially blame that for the fact that I’ve now regained 80.  I’ve also been a big advocate of taking baby steps when trying to change your life.  Another thing she mentions is having fun with weight loss.  I think this is one of the most important things.  When I joined WW, I had so much fun figuring out just how much food I could cram into my points allowance.  It was like a jigsaw puzzle of quantity eating.  When I stopped having fun with it, I started gaining.

Then there is this post from Lyn talking about food as pleasure.  The way she describes her experience with pizza at a birthday party is exactly what I went through SO many times while I was being that all-or-nothing girl.

One of the things that I’m coming to realize lately is that I’m tired of beating myself up for not eating perfectly “cleanly” all of the time.  I’m tired of accepting feelings of negative judgment for the food choices I make.  I like to eat.  I like to eat things that taste good.  If I go to McDonald’s for lunch one day or eat a frozen TV dinner, I’m not going to apologize for it or hide it anymore.  In fact, I’m eating a Healthy Choice frozen meal right now (which is actually pretty darn good).  I know that eating cleanly is the best way to eat.  I know that it is so much better for you and I know that I would probably feel a lot better if I only ate all natural foods.  But I’m trying.  That’s all I can say.  I know me, and I know that it’s not realistic to imagine that I will eschew all processed foods for the rest of my life.  Maybe I will get there one day, but for now, I’m trying.  I’m eating more natural foods than ever before and I’m happy with that.  I’m done feeling like a bad person for not eating what others think I should eat.  And this isn’t anyone else’s fault.  These are emotions that I entirely put on myself.  

I’m an extremely sensitive person.  I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way.  In fact, it is most likely yet another reason that I got to 300+ pounds.  For example, if I’m in the company of someone who is boiling over with excitement, I immediately become excited, too.  If I’m in the company of someone breaking down in tears, then my heart breaks with them.  If I’m in the company of someone seething with anger, I feel my own blood pressure start to rise.  I have a hard time separating myself from how others are feeling.  (One of the reasons why I decided not to pursue becoming a psychologist.  God, can you imagine?)

At the same time, I tend to take things very personally.  My biggest pet peeve is and has always been being talked down to.  If there is any hint of judgement or condemnation in a person’s voice or words, my radar immediately zooms in on it even if it is only imagined in my head.  And it devastates me.  I’m constantly worried about what other people think of me.  Again, you wonder how I got to be 300+ pounds.  This is one of the things that I’ve gradually come to accept about myself on this journey, and is something that I’m still trying to work on. 

I’ve always been an intensely private person.  I’ve always found it really hard to share things with people – even my closest friends – for that very fear of judgment.  I’ve had too many experiences in my life in which I’ve reached out to someone only to be slapped back down.  As such, I tend to bottle things up inside.  Again, you wonder how I got to be 300+ pounds.

Joining Weight Watchers and participating on their message boards slowly helped me open up a bit.  I never imagined there were so many people out there that had an idea of what I’d gone through all my life with my weight.  Weight is a topic I avoided at all costs – again, even with my closest family and friends.  Any time it was brought up, in thorough embarrassment, I would change the subject or pretend I didn’t hear.  Or more likely, I would crack a joke at my own expense before someone else could.  Even with that, it was more about my clumsiness or the way I looked rather than my weight.  The only person I ever legitimately talked to about it was my mom and that was more along the lines of her expressing her concern and me immediately shutting down and changing the subject.  Then, of course, going and eating more.

As the weight fell off, and I met others with similar struggles, I gradually became more open in talking about it.  My self confidence grew, but it was always nagging me in the background not to share too much.  People don’t care, they’ll be bored, they’ll judge you.  It’s still really hard for me, especially now that I’ve regained a lot, to talk about.  It’s embarrassing to admit that you sometimes feel out of control, that you have a problem that a lot of people don’t understand.

Confession time:  over the past couple of months, I’ve considered shutting down my blog completely.  I mean, it’s insanity for someone so worried about what other people think to post her thoughts for the world to see.  Pure insanity.  But a couple of the supportive comments and messages I’ve received over the past week have made me change my mind.  You’ve made a difference.

So for now, I’m working on that balance of building up an “I don’t give a shit what people think” wall around myself and of still allowing myself to be open to the relationships around me.  Once again, fighting that all-or-nothing girl inside of me.

I just thought in an effort to move towards authenticity (see picture/link in the right sidebar), I would share that with you all.

Wow, I guess I had more to say than I thought.  And since the second I post this I will probably start beating myself up about it (“Why the hell did you post that?!”)  I will just leave you with a song from one of my favorite movies that I’ve been listening to over and over lately: