My Revelation

As usual, I should be sleeping…but am I?  Of course not!

First, I finished day 8 of my 21 day treadmill challenge last night and oh, man, was it hard.  I SO did not want to get on that thing last night.  It made me kind of wish and think that maybe I should have eased my way into a treadmill routine before trying this challenge, because I’m a bit afraid that I’m getting burned out.  But I’m going to see this thing through.  I want to be able to say that I finished something worthwhile.  So here are the stats:

1. 3/14 – 61 minutes
2. 3/15 – 55 minutes
3. 3/16 – 35 minutes
4. 3/17 – 59 minutes
5. 3/18 – 77 minutes
6. 3/29 – 62 minutes
7. 3/20 – 45 minutes
8. 3/21 – 33 minutes

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, on to my revelation.

I mentioned that last night my family was all getting together at my aunt/grandma’s (they live together) for my grandma’s 81st birthday dinner.  To be totally honest, I have been nervous and stressed about it ALL week.  Silly, huh?  But even though we all live within the KC metro area, I haven’t seen them since her birthday last year.  (I know, I know)  And I’ve only seen my grandma twice (Yesterday, and the Sunday after Christmas) for longer than 10 minutes since then.  I know, I’m a terrible granddaughter.

Why?  I was embarrassed.  Embarrassed that I gained so much weight back.  You see, a person’s weight has always been a big topic of discussion in our family, especially for my grandma.  Hurtful things have been said over the years (about weight and other things), but I’ve been working on letting all of that go.  And then in watching “Madea Goes to Jail” the other night, there was a great quote “Forgiveness is not for them.  It’s for you.”

But my grandma has changed a lot over the past couple of years, and I don’t think I’ve given her enough credit.  I was worried about going over there and having them see how much weight I’d gained.  I wasn’t necessarily worried about anyone other than my grandma saying something about it to me (and even that was highly unlikely), but I didn’t know what they would say after I left.  But I’ve realized, who cares??

Shortly after getting there, my grandma came over and gave me a hug.  She said, “I’ve been missing you.”  I’ve been missing you.  She didn’t say, “I’ve been missing you being skinny.”  She didn’t say, “I’ve been missing you, but damn you got big.”  She looked right at me, huge that I am, and said “I’ve been missing you.”

I need to give my family more credit.  We’ve all had weight issues – none quite as extensive as mine – but weight issues nonetheless.  I’m the only one that cares what I weigh.  And if they do care, and they love me, it’s only because they care about me.  And if they do care and don’t really love me, then that’s their problem, not mine.  The only thing they said at all related was asking me if I’d been using my new treadmill.  That’s it.

I’ve been worried about running into old friends and acquaintances, as well.  But this whole situation has made me realize a couple of things.

• If my weight affects how much they care about me, then I don’t need them in my life and they don’t deserve to be in my life.
• If they aren’t a friend or loved one, then truly, who gives a sh*t what they think?
• No one cares about my weight as much as I do.
• I need to give people more credit.

So that’s it.  That’s my Monday revelation.  Most of you may be thinking “DUH!” but these are important revelations to me.

After I realized that no one was going to string me up and crucify me for having gained a ton of weight and I relaxed, I actually had a lot of fun last night.  Seeing my littlest cousins (both around 2-ish) was a blast.

I did pretty good food-wise, too.  I had about 3 oz of steak, a tiny ear of corn, a small sweet potato, and tossed salad.  I also had about the tiniest piece of cake you’ve ever seen and a tiny dollop of ice cream.  I went back home and counted everything in my tracker.

As far as tomorrow’s weigh-in, I’m not sure what to expect.  I’ve been working out like crazy (for me) all week, and you never know how that is going to affect the scale when it’s new for you.  I also haven’t used all of my flex points or any of my activity points, but the ones that I have used have been in the past two days, so who knows how that is going to affect things.  But you know what?  I don’t care what the scale says tomorrow.  Of course, I’ll be happy if it shows a loss, but if it doesn’t, I’m okay with that.  I think I’ve made progress in enough other areas this week to be able to call it a success no matter what!

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!

PS-One truly funny moment occurred when my dad (who was sitting next to me) bit into his ear of corn and it squirted all over his glasses….and mine, too!!!  Ugh.