Oh the pure evilness of it all

About 10 minutes ago was the first time that I had stepped foot in our kitchen since I got home from work.

First, I changed clothes and threw a load of laundry in.  Then I hopped on the treadmill for 55 minutes to complete day number 12 in my challenge.  I’m loving the SurfShelf so far, but will write more about that later.

After the workout, I showered and caught up on some blog reading and e-mail checking and just general goofing off on the internet.  I did want to note an interesting word I got for the word verification on someone’s blog when I was leaving a comment.  It was:

fationia

Um, yeah.  Sometimes the words they make up crack me up.

Okay, anyway, as for the pure evilness of it all.  There’s one bad thing about living with other people.  You can’t control what comes into the house.

When I walked into the kitchen, this is the first thing I saw, sitting right smack in the middle of our counter:

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Chocolate cake AND chocolate icing!  Why couldn’t it have been white cake with white icing?  I would have taken one look and been like “eh, moving on.” But noooooooooo.

Do you remember the last time I had chocolate cake with chocolate icing?  No?  Me either!  I freaking LOVE it.

Now seriously, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those food nazis that refuses to allow other people to eat “real” food around me.  I don’t even really mind that they made it – they have a right to make whatever they want – but damn!  And it’s one of those things that sticks in your head until you just can’t take it anymore.

So what did I do?  I ate the whole damn thing!

Okay, I lied.  I didn’t really.  But I’m sure the old me could have.  Well, maybe in a couple of days…not all at once….I don’t think.

So what I did was this:  I dug through the trash (eww, I know) and found the box for the cake and the canister for the frosting.  Would the old me have done this?  No.  I checked out the nutritional stats on both, and after a bit of lightheadedness and a gasp of horror, I mentally calculated the points for 1/12th of the cake (a serving size).  I then mentally divided the cake pan into twelve slices and saw that the piece sticking off of the end was a bit smaller than a serving size.  I took off a couple of points from what I had calculated the piece to be (erring on the high side) and voila.  I have myself a piece of chocolate cake.  For good measure, I skipped my usual dessert (I always factor in a couple of points for dessert), so I’m really not that bad off right now.  In fact, it will only use a few of my flex points.

But you know what?  This is learning to live.  This is learning to live with the plan by being realistic and not depriving myself of what I want.  Sure, I didn’t know I wanted it until I saw it, but I absolutely believe that rationally allowing myself to have this taste now will keep me from binging on it later.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.  You see, I’ve been wondering over the past couple of weeks how this time might be “the time.”  Why this would be the time that it sticks.  I don’t know for sure that it will or that it won’t.  Your guess is as good as mine.  I do know that I’m going to do my damnedest.  But it led me to thinking about what I am doing differently this time around.

The major thing is that while I’m still being *somewhat strict* with myself, I’m not going all military-style on myself like last time.  I’m allowing slip-ups – like last Friday, but I counted it and moved on and didn’t let it barrel me down into a vortex of despair or a food-binging frenzy.  I counted it, moved on, and still showed a 1.7 pound loss for the week.

Along those lines, there were so many of my favorite foods that I nipped in the bud the last time around.  I freaking adore pizza.  I could eat a whole freaking pizza by myself.  No joke.  Attractive, eh?  But last time around, I only allowed myself Lean Cuisine pizzas and homemade pizzas on Thomas Light English Muffins and Flat Out Wraps (both of which I personally think were disgusting).  I also used pieces of light bread, but none of these were an adequate substitute for the real thing.  Or for the quantity that I craved.

Now, on a weekend here or there, if I’m feeling that urge, I grab a thin crust Pillsbury pizza crust tube from the grocery store, use light sauce and low fat cheese and a tiny thing of sliced olives.  Sometimes I add turkey pepperoni.  And then I divide it over two days.  It fills that need for my beloved “real” pizza, gives me the quantity I crave, and is absolutely delicious.

One of my other favorite pre-Weight Watchers meals was – and don’t get grossed out, okay, you probably will – but I loved to just take a bunch of macaroni pasta, cook it, throw it in a bowel with butter, salt, lots of shredded cheddar cheese, and…….sliced up hot dogs.  I told you, I knew you would think it was gross.  But god, so good.  LOL  Knowing the amount of pasta I would eat and the amount of cheese I would throw on top and the full fat hot dogs, OMG I shudder to think about the point value.  We’re talking double-digits at least.

Well, last week, I realized something.  If you take 2 oz of Fiber Gourmet pasta (one of my go-to staples), two Hebrew National 97% fat free hot dogs, 2 pts worth of low fat shredded cheese and some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray, I have practically the same thing in a serving size that’s reasonable (and filling) and at a point count that is ENTIRELY reasonable (single digits!).  And I don’t feel deprived!

At my grandma’s the other night, I had steak and corn and salad and a sweet potato and a slice of cake and ice cream.  And a glass of wine – I forgot to mention that last time.  That was probably my first glass of wine in years.  Last time around, I probably would have allowed myself the veggies, brought a couple of fat free hot dogs with me (there’s nothing wrong with that if it will help you keep on track) and skipped the wine, cake, and ice cream entirely.  But I know I would have sat there, subconsciously seething with resentment inside that they got to eat it and I couldn’t.  And over time, that resentment grows and grows until you end up gaining back 80 pounds.

So this time I’m trying to learn from my mistakes.  This time I’m trying not to deprive myself of what I really want and hopefully that will keep me from going insane again.  I won’t be telling myself “OMG I have to eat it all RIGHT NOW, because God only knows when I’ll get it again,” because really, I can have it again anytime I want.

I guess we’ll find out soon whether my chocolate cake experiment is a success.