Weight as a Shield

A while back, I posted about why I thought I had regained 80+ pounds.  One of the things I mentioned was this:

And I got scared.  There were things that I would potentially have to start dealing with that I wasn’t comfortable dealing with or even thinking about.

While that statement encompasses several different issues, one of the ones I was thinking of is dating.

I’ve seen it written on enough blogs and enough times on the Weight Watchers message boards to know that I’m not alone in this.  I, myself, have never been raped or anything horrific like that, but I can think of one instance in particular that still bothers me to this day (that I’ve never told anyone other than my mom about) and have a few other issues that affect my attitude towards dating and men.  Both of which I won’t be mentioning here.

For a while now, I’ve wondered if, among the many bazillions of other reasons for why I have been overweight for so much of my life and why I gained so much back is because of this issue.  As my weight got lower and lower, I noticed that I was getting more and more attention from men, and among the other emotions (anger, disbelief, and it was fun on a certain level), there was fear.  Intense, deep fear.  I freaked.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I gained 80 lbs when I was realizing that “hey, you have one less excuse for avoiding this.”  I also don’t think it’s astonishing that I usually fell for guys that are totally unattainable.  Of course, in my sick/twisted mind, pretty much all men were considered unattainable.

There’s a part of me that has longed for nothing more than to have a family of my own, to be half of a partnership, to just be there for someone else and have them be there for me, and this (as well as my intense shyness and social anxiety) is holding me back from all of those things.  I have so much love to give.  It breaks my heart sometimes to see my friends and family getting married and having kids around me, and fearing that that will never be a part of my life.  But I am not unique in this.  Many people my age are still single and still looking and still having the same fears.  I’ve just unconsciously gone out of my way to make it even harder for myself.  It’s much easier to just keep eating and just keep burying those fears and issues.  Mindless eating makes you not have to think.

Until I started this blog and joined the blogging community, I thought that men had it much easier than women as far as being overweight.  To be totally honest, I do think that (in, admittedly, a broad generalization) women are much more accepting of a man who is overweight than a man is of a woman who is overweight.  But I’ve realized that while there seem to be a great deal more confident overweight men in the world than there are confident overweight women in the world, many men still struggle with a lot of the same self-esteem and emotional burdens that carrying that extra weight brings.  So I thank you, guys, for enlightening me.

I know that many people find true love at higher weights, but I’m obviously not one of them.  At least not so far.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely inexperienced when it comes to men, but I haven’t dated as much as most people my age – nowhere near it.  In fact, even if I did find someone, I would probably push them away.  I can say this with certainty, since I’ve done it before.  I will always remember the one time that I could say with absolute certainty that a man was genuinely interested in me and I didn’t have to question it even once (most every other time I’ve been filled with doubts).  From the moment he met me, he pursued me and I finally agreed to go out with him.  But I was scared.  I was only 18, unsure of myself and of the world around me, and again I freaked.  And I ran.  And I never told him why and I still feel horrible about it.  He treated me like a queen, and I treated him horribly.  I still wonder sometimes if I missed my chance.

But I obviously wasn’t ready.  I’m still not ready 14 years later.  But when will I be ready?  If ever?  When it’s too late?  I posted here about fears that I had about finding someone who would accept me – loose skin and all, but I know that there are things I need to work through first.  There are other things standing in the way, including myself.  I know that I need to be able to accept myself first in order to allow myself and him, whoever he may be – if there IS that he out there – that chance.

I know that therapy couldn’t hurt in this area, so I just need to do it.  But what do they say?  Admitting that you have a problem is the first step?  Well, here’s my first step.  Admittedly, it’s a little more public than I would have thought or liked, but who knows, maybe my humiliation can help someone else.