A New Day

It’s almost 2:00 am and I’m sitting in my living room searching through Netflix for something to watch.  I found myself thinking that sometimes Netflix actually has too many choices.  In the almost 400 movies in my instant queue, I end up settling on something that I’ve seen before.  Of course.  I picked “Notting Hill,” but it’s never been one of my favorite Julia Roberts movies, though I like both her and Hugh Grant quite a bit (especially Hugh Grant).  Now, I’m actually about 14 minutes into it and am contemplating a switch.

Along with that switch, I’m contemplating how exactly to write this post that I need to write.  You see, today has to be a new day for me.  Today IS a new day.  It’s the only way I can think about it without wanting to cry.

At some point after getting home from work Friday morning, I decided that this would be the weekend that I would figure out just how much food my poor stomach would hold.  Except that I never really decided.  It just kind of happened.  I’ve been eating nonstop ever since, and of course, as you would imagine, I’m feeling fairly sick right now.  Not only sick to my stomach, but also sick of this drive that I just can’t seem to get rid of.

I’m also almost afraid to ever post about a success again.  It seems that every time I’m doing really really well and post about it, I almost immediately screw everything up again.  I know I can’t blame the post on screwing everything up, though.  Just me.

I’m absolutely sure that I’ve undone several weeks’ worth of work in the past three days.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see a seven pound gain on the scale this week.  And that’s not an exaggeration.  What the heck is wrong with me?  It’s like I’m self-sabotaging myself.

Ugh.  I’m so ashamed and disgusted with myself.  But today is a new day and while I’m starting to think that I’m just utterly hopeless, I’m not giving up.  I’ve ‘fessed up and I’m back on plan.  Right now.  Right this minute.  (Never mind the helpful fact that I don’t even want to think about food right now.)

So in the words of the play and film “Rent,” there’s “No Day But Today.”  I’m not looking back on the weekend as there is nothing I can do about it now, and am only looking forward.

So for now, I’m going to give Notting Hill a try for a little while longer, and while I do, I will plan out what I will eat today down to every last point.  I will also continue chanting a new mantra in my head.

I can do this.

I am not a bad person.

I can do this.

I am not hopeless.

I can do this.

I am not a failure.

I can do this.

I can do this.

While I’m dreading work this week, I’m still happy to see the weekend gone.  Happy Monday.

(On a positive side note: I did a lot of reading this weekend, which you all know I enjoy.  I finished Chely Wright’s “Like Me,” and have a story from it that absolutely appalled me that I just have to share with you soon.  I then read “Sh*t My Dad Says,” by Justin Halpern, and “Savor the Moment,” by Nora Roberts. The latest that I started tonight is the newest one by Charlaine Harris called “Dead in the Family.” It’s Book 10 in the Sookie Stackhouse series that “True Blood” is based on. While the show is okay, the books are WAY better.) What are you guys reading, if anything?