Hi all. As you’ve most likely noticed, I haven’t really been *present* in the blogging world lately, either on my own blog or others. I’ve had this blog post rambling around in my brain for a while now, so bear with me while I try to work it all out. I will share my thoughts regarding my own blog and then my thoughts regarding others’ blogs. I’m going to try to be totally honest (well, I’m not going to lie, I just might not share everything I’ve been thinking).
Thoughts regarding my own blog:
When I first started this blog in January of 2008, I was smack dab in the middle of my high of hitting Onederland. I felt on top of the world. I liked sharing my success with others and letting them know that if I could do it, anything was possible. I didn’t mind sharing how I had done it, but always tried to be careful in saying that it was just what had worked for me. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a nutritionist. I’m not a therapist. I’m not your mom or your guardian angel. Only you can really know what you need and what will work for you.
I’ve also always loved to write, and this has given me a chance to do that, even if my thoughts have been on the scattered side lately.
The best part has been meeting all of you and making some truly wonderful friends. Some of you I hope to meet in person one day soon. Others, I would love to meet, but am realistic that that will probably never happen. That doesn’t mean that I value your friendship any less. If I hadn’t started this blog, I would never have *met* such an amazing group of people. I’ll always be thankful for that.
But as you all know, I’ve been struggling for a long while. I’ve never shied away from the fact that this was never entirely a “weight loss blog,” but the weight loss part of it seems to be taking a backseat lately. Frankly, because I haven’t been doing as well. I wonder sometimes if there is even a place for me in this weight loss blogging world anymore. It seems to me that most often, people are looking for the blogs of people that have lost the weight and have kept it off. Now, I know a lot say that they want to see the real story – the day to day struggles – and I know that’s true for some. But it can’t be easy to come to a site like mine and see someone that was so on top of the world and then see them crash and burn, because that would mean that it could happen to them. Shall I get cheesy here and say that I’m like the Phoenix and shall rise again? I sure hope so.
I still get traffic from some posts from back when I was on top of the world. Posts that kind, kind people wrote about me. Like this one from Tony (a/k/a The Anti-Jared). I’m still so so honored for his great act of generosity (and some of the comments on there still make me teary-eyed), but I imagine sometimes what the people that find my site from such posts must think when they see how far I’ve fallen.
I’ve also become rather jealous of those who have kept their blogs entirely anonymous – no names mentioned, no pictures given, etc. I’m really questioning how open I’ve been on here, knowing that there are people in my real life that can find it and read it. At times, I just don’t care. Other times, it bothers me greatly. I don’t regret writing the words, because I did learn that I am not totally alone in my thoughts and feelings (and hopefully helped others to see that, as well), but I do regret that it’s so easy to see who it was that said those words. I may have to think about this and about what I can do about it.
Thoughts regarding the blogs of others:
You may have noticed that I’ve stopped reading blogs. It’s actually been a while now, and there aren’t words for how badly I feel about it. I don’t want you to think that it was something you did or you said or that I’m just being a bitch. Really, I promise you it’s none of those. Well, hopefully not the “being a bitch” part. To be quite honest, I just totally got burned out. I was trying to keep up with a ridiculous number of blogs (more even than what shows on my blogroll), and it was practically becoming a full time job. I just couldn’t keep up and still have time for myself. Some of the things I loved – watching movies, reading, spending time with my family – were falling to the wayside. That’s also why I’ve been ignoring the Weight Watchers message boards lately, too. I just, frankly, needed a break.
To add proof to what I mentioned regarding my own blog, I was also having a hard time reading about how well everyone else seemed to be doing. Don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely thrilled and ecstatic and over-the-moon for those of you that are doing well. You know I’m you’re biggest cheerleader!! It was just hard. It’s hard to read about someone flying on the weight loss high when you’ve crashed and burned.
But even more than that, I was burned out on the whole weight loss thing in general. Anything having to do with weight loss has pretty much been annoying the crap out of me lately. I’m SO SO tired of hearing about the obesity epidemic and how what we need to do is bring awareness to the subject. I’m sorry, but there’s enough freaking awareness out there. I don’ t think there’s anyone on the planet (other than in those rare countries where fat is seen as being beautiful) that doesn’t know that being overweight is mostly bad for you. I don’t honestly think that there is anyone on the planet that really isn’t aware of how bad a Big Mac (to just pick on one food item) is for you. That’s bullsh*t to think otherwise. I mean, there’s no way there is someone out there that thinks that Big Macs are good for you. I’m tired of overweight people being so stigmatized as though we are evil and sloth and greed personified; like we’re the root of all of the world’s problems: the economy, health care, etc. I’m sorry, but no matter what you may think, we’re not.
Yes, too many people are overweight today. Yes, for most people, it’s not healthy to be really overweight. Yes, I do want to lose weight and yes, I do want to be healthy. But I’m not stupid. Stop treating me like I am. I know the steps and the science behind it. If it was just a matter of calories in vs. calories out and of just doing it and that is ALL, then we’d ALL be freaking be skinny.
I also wonder about the movement to fight obesity in children. I know that it is extremely important to fight obesity in childhood, but I wonder what is the best way to go about it. Removing PE from schools was a bad idea. I agree. PE made my life a living hell, but I got through it, and I do think it is important. Keeping nutritional studies in health classes is also important. Getting junk food out of the cafeterias is also important. I agree with all of these things, but I don’t think that’s enough. And putting so much focus on these overweight kids is only going to make them grow up to be me, making them feel like they’re freaks of nature, outcasts. Kids are young and impressionable and their self-esteem and self worth are still fragile.
So while I agree with all of the above ideas that people are pushing to fight childhood obesity, there also needs to be more compassion in this world and more focus on the psychological aspects of what makes a kid become overweight: whether it’s internal, or problems with the home, etc. When I was in elementary school (the time when I became overweight), I was required to take PE classes. I learned about health and nutrition in science class. I had recess. I was taught what was good for me to eat. We went through a battery of physical fitness tests in PE each year. Admittedly, the cafeteria food wasn’t always the best back then, but in every other area that they’re pushing, I would say my school was great.
And I still became fat.
And maybe their goal isn’t to reach kids like the kid I was. Maybe their goal is just to reach the ones they can. And I can understand that. And I don’t know what the answer is. I really don’t. My heart just goes out to those kids that are now not only being torn down by their classmates like I was, but also by their parents, classmates’ parents, the media, and society at large.
Okay, wow. Went waaaaay off on a tangent there. Sorry. So back to blogs. Along with the other issues I mentioned, it seemed to me that several of the blogs I came across were just becoming battle grounds on which to fight popularity contests without much else in the way of substance. Yeah, I’ll just leave it at that.
With that out of the way, I haven’t been reading your blogs (except for a select few posts that have caught my eye on twitter or that were brought to my attention), and I apologize for that. I know it’s not fair to expect people to read my blog if I’m not doing the same. At some point in the near future, I will get back to reading them again, but I will have to be realistic and limit myself to only so many. There are just too many fantastic writers and people out there! (As always, though, let me know if you have a blog and its address and I’ll add you to my blogroll.)
So I thank those of you who have stuck with me while I’ve been trying to work some things out. I mentioned before that I was thinking about closing down my blog (mostly due to the issues I mentioned above re: anonymity), but at this point, I don’t think I’m going to. As much as “What the f*** am I doing?” has been going through my head lately, I remember how alone I felt all those years, and I want to be here to reach out to anyone else that may be in those shoes. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate the idea of someone feeling alone. And while I don’t imagine myself as being important enough to keep or stop someone from feeling that way, I can share my crazy stories and screwed up thoughts and hopefully someone out there will see that they aren’t.
I know some of you will probably jump ship after this post. Others just passing through will probably think “what a freak” and continue on by. Still others may think “Ah, that’s just Pamela. Silly girl,” and stick with me. All are okay. I just say thank you to each of you for sharing a couple of moments of your lives with me. It’s much appreciated.
Until next time, have a beautiful day!
Rebecca
Allyson
Margene
Shainer
Taryl
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You’re awesome. You are pretty much struggling the same battle as most people, I think, myself included. I know what you mean about blogging. I spent over a year and a half regaining and not really losing and it sucked in some ways. I got the “you’re not losing weight anymore, this blog is boring now, I am not inspired anymore” comments and some people left. I stuck with it.
I think blogging has a lot of benefits, like you said, we get to express ourselves. It’s a good thing overall. And whatever you blog about, I’ll read ya. I think you are inspiring just the way you are.
Lyn´s last blog ..Seeing Change
I just found you through Tony (the anti-Jared) and have to say I am totally impressed. Personally I find the blogs where it is all sunshine and light and easy, a bit boring and difficult because I think we all do struggle, not the same degree but we all struggle. I enjoy reading how people overcome those obstacles, it gives me hope and inspiration. Thank you for continuing to blog and count at least one new reader out there
Alison´s last blog ..I found the rings!
Thank you both so much for your support and kind words! And welcome aboard, Alison! Nice to *meet* you!
What a breath of fresh air! Thank you so much for writing these thoughts. I wish more bloggers would tell it from the heart. The obesity hatred in this country has gone so far beyond anything I thought I would see in my lifetime, it sickens me. Many of the diet bloggers describe behavior that reminds me of what used to be viewed as EDs. I’ve observed extreme exercise fanaticism (purging through exercise), binge eating in the form of rebound from excessive restriction, and just a lot of weird stuff being labeled “healthy behaviors” that may or may not lead to long term good health.
I also see a lot of privileged bloggers (employed and white, for instance, or supported by spouses), who don’t even realize that they aren’t forced to face the same kinds of stressors that many other obese people must live with every day. We love to pretend in this culture that we are a classless society, or that socioeconomic class and racial prejudices do not influence health. We love to pretend there is an even playing field. We love to pretend that life is fair, for the most part. “Pretend” isn’t really the right word. It is more of a mass social denial about the reality of oppression, the health impact of stress, and the huge variations in individual differences.
Take me, for instance. LOL.
I eat between 1200 and 1600 (max) calories per day. I exercise at least 30 minutes a day, often more than 60. For the past 2 months my weight has remained at about 245. Am I gonna increase my exercise or cut my calories, or “shake things up” to “break through this plateau?” Fuck no. I have no desire to return to that narrow diet mentality where I feel driven or compulsive or obsessed. Life is too short. If more weight comes off, well, that will be nice for me because it will increase my chances of getting better employment. If I stay at this weight, well, that will be okay too.
Being fat, and having to struggle with obesity in this culture, has given me compassion for others that I would not have found if I had been naturally thinner.
In my worldview, compassion is a very good thing. In fact, compassion for others, and for oneself, is one of the most important values available to human beings. I’m pretty sure that your compassion for your fellow human beings is the main thing that has kept me coming back to your blog Pamela. Plus, your great sense of humor, sincerity, and fun-loving nature are a huge attraction. You are really unique and special. You get it. You get this strange thing called life. That is rare.
No ship jumping here! Bravo on a very honest post, Pamela. I was nodding as I read it… much of what you said resonated with me.
I don’t think you’re a failure because you regained some weight and I doubt that many people in the blogging community will. I get it! You are still YOU!
I am also cutting down on the amount of blogs that I read. Life is out there to be lived and I can’t lose myself in the lives of others at the cost of living my own life. I’ve tried that and it just doesn’t work!
Hanlie´s last blog ..A quick and healthy dinner
That’s the thing. They don’t get it. The powers that be think that if we just make everything low fat and make kids run around for half an hour and tell them McDonald’s is evil, obesity will all go away. They don’t understand that most of us use food as a coping mechanism and THAT is the real problem. If we don’t figure out what we’re using food for, outside of true physical hunger, we won’t conquer this thing for good. Not that the nutrition of school food shouldn’t be improved. It should. Not that PE isn’t important. It is. Everyone should be encouraged to eat healthy and exercise. But that is only a small part of the solution, and I think the crux of the problem is being overlooked.
I found you through Tony’s blog and I’m glad you’re sticking around so I can subscribe.
Beth´s last blog ..A Basement Would be Good
Pamela, that was so thoughtful. Thank you. I’ve been commenting on a few blogs that the weight loss blogosphere seems to promote an unrealistic expectation of losing 2, 3, 4 pounds a week, forever. I would move on from your blog if you’ve given up, but I don’t think you have. Re: the anonymous thing, I decided to go public right away, which is a real risk because I have the kind of job where a lot of people would do Google searches before hiring me. But I just need the accountability. I need to stop pretending if I don’t acknowledge the weight, it doesn’t exist. It does, and my blog is a way of making it real and putting on the front burner for me to deal with it.
Best wishes to you.
I don’t need you to write about the weight “epidemic” or anything like that. When I read a blog I want to hear about your personal journey and struggle, I don’t read blogs for awareness, I read them for people.
You aren’t a failure for gaining some weight back or for losing some motivation. All of that is cyclical, and its normal for us to find it all loses some luster. I also get overwhelmed by the blogging world and the WW message boards. I want to be more involved but I start to read and post and when I finally look up, its bedtime and I’ve missed things. And honestly? Weight loss for me is about getting a life I want to live and I’m not sure spending all of my time on my butt in front of the computer is the standard of living I want as a result!
Anyway, I don’t have a whole ton to say but I’m glad you are still here.
Ruby´s last blog ..Day 291
This is my first time to read your blog… and this is the only post that I have read. Your words moved me deeply because I have been struggling recently myself. Please read my last post.
Be encouraged my friend!
http://www.extantwoman.wordpress.com
Many Blessings!
Charli
I know I’ve told you before….but I’ve regained half of my 160 lbs weigh loss….so I totally relate to how you feel. As far as all the “awareness” and “programs” for obesity…I agree…if that was the cure everyone would be skinny. We are bombarded everyday by information about weight loss. I’m frankly quite sick of it.
Anyhow I know I haven’t been a longtime follower of your blog, but I want you to know that I get it!!! Totally
I hope you continue writing no matter where you are on your journey. I’ve lost and regained so many times but I’m determined to get it right this time. I think it’s good to step away from blogging when it starts taking time away from living your life. Take what you can, give what you can, read when you want, comment if it moves you, and please continue to share you story.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!! As you can see a lot of us can relate to what you’ve written. I too am struggling badly and trying to get back on track. It’s tough, no two ways about it. I too am sick of all the browbeating about how evil fast food is. I’m sorry a Big Mac occasionally is not going to kill anyone (I at least hope not), but the problem is nowadays fast food is the norm not the exception. Parents don’t actually COOK well-rounded healthy meals for their kids anymore, it’s easier to take them through a drive thru or give them something frozen or prepackaged. When I was a kid, we had to play OUTSIDE everyday, not in front of the computer or video games. Society has made things to convenient and easy for our youth, which creates a whole litany of problems that just don’t include obesity. Stay strong girl, take all the time you need to get your head together. You’ve been an inspiration to many of us, regardless of what you weigh.
Thank you all for your supportive and thought-provoking comments! I’m glad I’m not alone in thinking some of this!!