Hi folks. For the first time in what seems like a trillion years, we’re having a fairly slow night at work tonight. Hence the double posts from me today.
I’m feeling somewhat at a loss this evening. I know I posted that positive, hopeful “Daughter of the Night” post yesterday, and I meant every word when I wrote it. I still do mean every word. I’ve had moments of sheer self-confidence and joy in the past several days. But I also haven’t been this low in a long time.
To be honest, I think part of it is that I’m allowing myself to feel again. I was shut down for a really long time, not allowing anything to touch me. Well, the freeze is thawing, the wind is warming, and my heart is pumping again.
So for the past several days, I’ve been this crazy dichotomy of emotions. On the one hand, feeling strong in my belief that I am freaking amazing 
but then on the other hand, feeling like well, why isn’t it good enough? Why isn’t it enough to make me happy?
You all know that I’ve been struggling on the weight front for a long while now – technically since 3rd grade – but things have been really rocky the past year. Even though I showed a loss on the scale on Saturday, I managed to screw that up so that I showed a 2.6 lb gain at my weigh in yesterday. Surprisingly, I’m okay with that. I am still of the belief that what happens on the scale this week doesn’t necessarily portray what has to happen next week.
But I’m really tired of it all. Tired of the constant worrying about what I’m eating and if I should be eating it and how much I should be eating. Just. Tired. Of. It. Tired of feeling like no matter what weight I am or what weight I get to, it still won’t be enough.
And it won’t. Because my weight shouldn’t define me. It isn’t all that I am. But when you spend practically your entire life worrying about your weight, being made fun of because of your weight, and feeling like your weight is the total essence of who you are, it’s hard to believe otherwise. And I DO believe otherwise. It’s just that sometimes I forget.
So I’ve been vacillating back and forth between two opposite extremes. I swear I’m not insane. Just trying to figure things out.
As I so *modestly* mentioned yesterday, I really like who I am for the most part. I firmly believe that I’m a compassionate soul. I truly care about others and wish them the best. I love that I get really excited about things that I’m passionate about (even if it’s just a stupid TV show). I love that I can find beauty and appreciation in the little things (even if it’s just a blade of grass).
It’s only when I begin to analyze myself in relation to others that I start to beat myself up. Not the right weight, not funny enough, not smart enough, try too hard. I could go on forever. I posted once before (which I hope you’ll read if you haven’t already) about Brene Brown’s quote: “Comparison is the thief of happiness.” It’s still just as true today. Yet I can’t seem to stop doing it.
I know that some of the things I’m not happy with about myself are things I can work on (my weight for example), but from the experience of losing 164 pounds (and gaining half back), I know that that one thing isn’t going to fix everything. I also know that there are things that I’m just going to have to accept as just being a part of who I am. I’m never going to be able to change my silliness, and don’t really want to. I’m never going to be able to change my concern for others and my hatred of hate, and don’t really want to. I’m never going to be able to stop myself from trying too hard and giving things my all, and don’t really want to. I just need to stop caring about what others think.
But it’s so much easier said than done.
So that’s me. At a loss tonight. Disgusted at how weepy I’m feeling. But that, too, is a part of me. One I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a really long time – really since after my brother died.
I’m making changes in my life – what I can – and trying to accept what I can’t change. I’m allowing the joy back in, and with it, I have to allow the pain.
**Note: if you don’t recognize it, the title of this blog post comes from the song “Monday Came” from the movie “Lbs.” I’ve been listening to it over and over in the car lately, hoping it will sink in. 
And can you believe I haven’t watched “Lbs.” since my trip in May? I must be sick!
I identify with almost all of this so much. While I’ve never lost as much weight as you, I have gained a lot of weight after struggling and fighting so hard. I too obsess over food with the measuring and counting — and hating that. So I have stopped. This is so hard to deal with. I went to the counselor today to deal with food issues (this person’s specialty), and was essentially told depression is the problem, and food is more a symptom that the problem exists, not the underlying problem. And the thing is she’s right.
All this to say – I don’t think you’re crazy. I think manning up and facing this stuff — and dealing with it — sucks but will be worth it. We’ve gotta fix us; the food is just a part of us, not the underlying source of comfort, power, or love that we (or at least I) have given to it credit for.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Not dead- and not quitting =-.
One of the weight-loss bloggers I glance at sometimes just celebrated her 100 lb weight loss. She eats a lot more than I do (well, about 500 calories more per day.) She exercises about the same as I. In the same amount of time, I have lost 47 lbs. (I do not “cheat.”) Another blogger has lost a similar amount as the first…100 lbs in about 7 months. *SIGH*
If I compare myself to them I might as well give up now. Actually, at 238 lbs I am considering calling it good and just maintaining for a few months to see how I feel. I now wear a socially acceptable size 18.
What a mouthful: “Comparison is the thief of happiness.”
I struggle with depression, PTSD, ADD, arthritis, fibromyalgia, some weird hearing loss issues, back pain, progressive nerve damage in feet…yikes. Better stop listing while I’m ahead.
The thing is…my health problems have not improved with weight loss. If anything, they are worse. BUT, I have slightly better mobility.
Crap. Don’t know where I’m going with all this.
The fact that you have not regained all the weight you lost is AMAZING!!! You’ve already beat the odds.
Just keep living and spreading your wings. One of these days you’ll notice: you’re already flying.