Pessimistic Pam

When I was in high school, I was known to my closest friends as “Pessimistic Pam.”  In our Winnie the Pooh fantasy, I was, inevitably, Eeyore.  The nickname carried through into college, as well.

Lately, though, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself, my life, and the universe in general and I’ve realized something.  I was never all that pessimistic.  It wasn’t necessarily an act either, however.

In thinking tonight, I realized that while I always thought I was truly pessimistic, there was a part of me that, no matter how many times I’ve been crushed or slapped back down by other people or just life in general, I’ve never failed to be hopeful or to get my hopes up.  That hope has been a current throughout my soul for as long as I can remember.

Sure, I would often make some sarcastic remark (I tend to have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor) that my life was ruled by Murphy’s Law (I do think it has been LOL) or how I want this good thing to happen so inevitably this bad thing will happen instead.  But deep inside, secretly inside, while I was making all of those around me laugh, there was a part of me that was getting my hopes up so high that they were bound to be crushed.  You see, while expecting the worst and telling others that I expected the worst, I never failed to hope for or believe in the best.

I mentioned before that I feel like I’m finally letting myself begin to live again after a long time of holding myself back from the world.  And it’s scary.  But the most worthwhile and important things in life are bound to be scary.  I’ve been through a lot in my lifetime – most people probably wouldn’t think that I have in comparison to their lives, but for me, and my life, I have.  Just in different ways and experiences.

I’ve also often felt that I’ve put myself out there only to be trampled on underneath the feet of others.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not playing the victim.  I refuse to do that ever again.  It’s just that after a while you start to wonder, “what the heck is so wrong with me?”

Several months ago, I was thinking about it and wrote this:

The universe is a glass sphere
Ever present before me
Never-ending before me
I can see the people
The shadows
The specters
Flashing before me
Tentatively I reach out
Touch out
Hope out
And the sphere
The world
My dreams
Shatter before me
The universe is a glass sphere
Ever present before me
Never-ending before me
Indestructible before me
Tentatively I reach out
Live out
Feel out
And the sphere
The world
My confidence
Shatter before me
The universe is a glass sphere
Ever present before me
Never-ending before me…

Terrible, I know, but it was the first poem that I’ve written in for-ever.  But it kind of explains the never-ending cycle that I feel I ride through.  Ever feel like you just constantly put yourself out there only to have your heart handed back to you on a plate? Not always in one piece?  And there aren’t really any specific situations that I’m thinking of – no particular type of situation.  Just a general feeling of outcomes in various areas of my life.

But this is what I mean.  No matter how many times I end up disappointed or discouraged, my heart just keep beating on.  No matter how many times I have my faith in humanity shaken, I never give up hope on its salvation (and I’m not talking the end-of-times kind of salvation either).  I guess (though I hate the comparison), I’m kind of like an eager little puppy meeting the world with my tail wagging.  There are always little glimpses that make me want to believe that things are going to turn out all right.  That somehow, in some way, I will find my way.  I will find my place.  I will reach out and my hand will be grabbed and held onto by life.  And one day, maybe it won’t even try to shake me off.

Okay, enough sappy thinking for me tonight.  Tomorrow will dawn bright and beautiful and I will face it with hopeful heart pumping away yet again.  And this time with a little bit of an “I dare you to slap me back!” attitude.

Besides, “today” is TEDxKC/Brené Brown day!  (we were talking about the movie Empire Records earlier, so I said that in my best “Today is Rex Manning day!” voice. )

Does anyone else ever feel like they reach out only to be slapped back? Please tell me I’m not alone here.