The Great Awakening

You may want to get comfy – kick back, relax – this is going to be a long one.

For the past many, many years, I remembered a friend of mine once said something along the lines of “women are at their best in their 30s.”  I’ve always held that in the back of my mind, and when I turned 30, I decided that that was going to be the case for me.  I was going to do my best to make them the best freaking years of my life.

I’ve mentioned many times that I’ve been shut down for a very long time – mentally (not allowing myself to feel much of anything), socially (keeping mostly to myself), etc.  I’ve been talking for a while now about wanting to live a bolder life and about wanting to really try to finally accept who I am.

I’ve been making baby steps for the past few years – mostly since joining Weight Watchers.  One teeny tiny little step at a time. Well, folks, I think my 32nd year (I turn 33 next month) has been my year of “The Great Awakening.”  I have made so many incredible strides in this one year that I am sincerely proud of myself.

For the first time in a really long time, I’m so optimistic for my future – whatever it may have in store.

Mentally:  I have almost completely accepted who I am.  I’ve learned to embrace my geeky side and all of the different parts of me that make up the whole.  I’ve reached that part of my life where I’m starting to believe the line from “Monday Came,” the song from “Lbs. the Movie.”

I stand before you.  Take me as I am.

I’ve given lip-service to that idea on my blog for a long time now, but finally, finally, finally, I am starting to believe those words.  That people should accept me as I am or…it’s their problem and loss, not mine.  Because who wants people in their life that doesn’t accept them for who they are?  The only areas where I still have issues are with trying not to make a fool of myself (not easy considering what a klutz I am and how socially awkward/nervous I get) and I’m still self-conscious about my body a lot of the time.  But even there, I’m making remarkable strides in accepting what I’ve got.  I think I walk now with almost as much confidence as I did at my lowest weight.  So watch out world when I get back down there!

Socially:  Over the past couple of months, I’ve not only reconnected with old friends that I had allowed to drift away sometime during my self-imposed exile, I’ve also developed a new group of friends.  And they totally rock by the way!  (I have to thank Christy for welcoming me into her circle. ) Most of them, I’ve only actually met a couple of times in person, but I feel like I’ve known them for years and feel very comfortable around them.  As a matter of fact, I honestly think that I’ve done more socially in the past couple of months than I have in the past several years.  Sad, but true.  Why should I hide all of the awesomeness that is me from the world? (That was said with the cheekiest of grins of course )  PS – Have I mentioned that I’m hoping to get to meet one of my Weight Watchers heroes, Sara from Sara Gets Skinny, next month?  She’s planning a trip into my neck of the woods.  I’ve admired her and her writing from almost the moment I joined Weight Watchers online and saw her post on the message boards.

Physically:  As I mentioned above, I still have issues where my body is concerned, though I’m slowly trying to accept them, as well.  Do you realize that I haven’t actually tracked my food in well over a month?  Sure, I’ve had a week with a gain, then a week with a loss, then a week with a gain, etc.  But I’m still down overall.  The losses are overthrowing the gains that I’m showing.  That is simply stunning to me!  I’m eating when I want to eat and when I feel the need to eat and I’m losing weight!  What the heck?  I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I feel so much more fulfilled in other areas of my life and so much more filled with self-acceptance.  I don’t need to fill myself with food anymore.  Of course, this could all be big talk and I could go back to binging next week.  Who knows?  But even if that is the case, then I know that I can beat it again.

Project Bold: This year is my year.  I’ve been talking for a while on here about wanting to live more of a bold life.  Sure, I changed the colors on my theme, but it’s so much more than that.  I helped promote a movie on my website solely because I loved it (the only thing I got in return was a screener copy of the film).  I had the courage to call back a movie producer when I hate talking on the phone to even my closest friends.  I flew to Washington DC to visit a city that I’d always wanted to see on a couple of weeks’ notice.  While there, I had the courage to meet and talk to the people that created and starred in that film.  I had the courage to reach out to an author that I truly believe in, and go up to her and introduce myself and tell her how much I admire her.  The me of a few years ago would never have been able to do that.  Let alone get a group of people together to go with me and for drinks after.  Sure, I was nervous, but I did it.  I’m finding myself speaking my mind more often and taking chances that I never would have taken before.  And Project Phobia?  Knocked that one out of the park.  I took one of my biggest fears that has plagued me for years upon years – one that was based on a bad experience I once had and that has haunted me – and forced my way through it.  Sure, every time I run into that situation, I’m still probably going to freak a bit.  But I at least know that I will survive, that I can do it, and that I won’t (most likely) need to be rushed to the hospital as a cardiac patient.  There are other areas of my life that I’m trying to be a bit bolder about, too, but these are just a few examples.

Of course, there are parts of me that I won’t ever allow to change.  I will always believe that there is no moment in which kindness is not an option.  I will always have tremendous amounts of love to give to family and friends, and sometimes even those who don’t deserve it.  I will always be a bit silly at times.  I will always be a bit of a child at heart (think I’m more of a child now than I was when I was a kid-though I always have and always will love coloring ).

There are also parts of me that will never change – I’m sure – no matter how much I want them to.  I will always be a bit shy.  I will always be a bit self-conscious.  But I can try and fight my way through those.

I’ve had a few moments lately where I do something or say something and immediately think “who the hell was that?!”  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m enjoying this version of me.  I don’t know where the hell she came from, but I’m pretty damn proud of her and can’t wait to see what’s in store for her next!  As I said earlier, I’m excited about my future for the first time in a long time.

Nah. But I’m getting there.