Contrary to my last several posts, I am not always happy-go-lucky, cheerful Pamela. I know, I know, it comes as a HUGE shock to you, doesn’t it? 
I hope none of you passed out from the news.
In fact, again contrary to my post of Tuesday, my mood over the past couple of days can only be described as foul. I’ve done my best to keep it from affecting other people, and most of my attitude (except for when directed towards stupid people – and then only internally) has been directed back towards myself.
It’s not so much that I’ve been having a pity party. It’s been more like an anger/disappointment party. And it led me to eat way too much last night. And while I don’t feel guilty exactly (yes, there was pizza involved and yes I did feel a twinge of guilt, but not too much because I haven’t had it in what feels like forever), I feel more disappointed in myself than anything. I will definitely be expecting a gain this week unless I can do some major damage control this weekend.
I think the phrase “disappointed in myself” is pretty much the way to sum up the past couple of days. More likely than not, it’s just fueled by those pesky female hormones, but it seems like every self-doubt, every bad choice, every thing that makes me different (and not in the unique quirky way), and every thing that I dislike about myself has reared its head in a blaze of self-doubt, uncertainty, and disgust the past couple of days.
To top it off, I’m feeling about as attractive as this guy:
(Sorry, Rodney. I know I need to show us both more respect.)
It will pass. I know it will. My sparkly personality and “I love the world” attitude will return at some point (and then I will most likely get annoyed with the fact that I was feeling like this).
But with authenticity comes admission that not every day is beautiful and even I can be a moody bitch from time to time (though I try not to take it out on others as that is one of my biggest pet peeves).
So, I hope that you all are doing better than I am this week! Anyone know a good joke?
PS – I hate running into people I respect who haven’t seen me since I’ve regained most of my weight…argh.
We’re just like the ocean. We rage at times. We’re smooth as glass at times. We ebb. We flow. I know that’s so corny but it’s true. Storms and serenity. Peace and chaos. If it’s your Hurricane Pamela time just think how beautiful and serene it will be after this current storm. And it was actually CHILLY this morning?! Ahhh, there’s hope that air will make it down here then. It’s not all that far from KC area to northwest MS. Bring it on!
Yeah, well, I hate running into people who haven’t seen me since I was 65 lbs heavier. There is just not a comfortable zone for me when it involves weight loss (OR weight gain) combined with people-who-are-not-close-friends-or-family. I don’t like feeling someone’s attention directed at my body. Period. Umm, unless it’s my mate.
Being fat(ter) was really nice in this regard because most people didn’t bother to look my way. I kinda liked being at an invisible weight, you know, one where people only looked or talked about IT behind my back. Of course I didn’t like huffing and puffing and worrying about having a heart attack when I had to run upstairs to a patient’s room or run away from a scary neighbor-dog…and I didn’t enjoy laying awake nights worrying about getting THE OMG DIABETES!
So I guess I’ll keep on losing weight, slowly, unsteadily, and snarlingly. Sigh. But the next person who even looks at me funny is gonna feel my laser evil eye boring through them before they even know what zapped ‘em!
Thanks for sharing everything, and I also appreciate you introducing me to lbs. It looks awesome.