Okay, take deep breaths. The world isn’t ending, I promise. Hell hasn’t frozen over. You aren’t seeing double. I am posting a second blog post in a single day. Just happen to be in a blogging mood today, I guess. And it’s my third one this week!!
I’m having a really good day today. I’ve been lucky enough to have a few of those lately thanks to some pretty good friends. But unfortunately, I’ve been in a major funk that I just can’t seem to pull myself out of. I don’t think I’ve been this depressed since my brother died. I don’t know what’s causing it. There’s not really anything in my life that I can pinpoint as being a cause. In fact, there are some things going on in my life that make me really happy. I do know that it’s not helping that this Saturday is the 8th anniversary of my brother’s death. Then, a week later, is his birthday. He’d have been 30 this year. But I’m sure there will be more blog posts about that later.
And unfortunately, you can imagine that through my huge roller coaster of emotion, I’ve been eating to deal. I’ve talked so many times on here about how it truly can be an addiction. And frankly, it’s one that I haven’t had the emotional wherewithal to fight lately. Correspondingly, my weight has gone up and up… And it’s not that I’m even eating an abnormally large amount…I’m just eating whatever I want (a/k/a the truly yummy stuff).
But I can’t do it anymore. The food makes me feel good and happy when I’m eating it. But then reality sinks in (and all the consequences of eating whatever I want – you know what they are) and I realize what I’m really doing to myself. And I vow to stop. But then…oh it just sounds so good…and I give in again. If only you could stop eating completely like you can stop drinking alcohol. You all know what I’m talking about. What I’m going through.
I’ve said this before, but I think sometimes the knowledge that I can do this, that I can lose the weight almost makes it worse. Harder. Because I know how far I’ve fallen (risen?). <SIGH> I know it’s a lifelong struggle. I know this is something I’m going to have deal with the rest of my life. My cross to bear. I know I can do it. I just have to want to. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t.
And remembering all of those beautiful things I post about – how we’re all beautiful and smart and wonderful at any weight and will continue to be if we never lose another pound – is hard. I’ve really really been beating myself up inside on a daily basis. Looking in any mirror, whether just a hand-held one that shows my face or a full length one, is agony at times. I’m not happy with the way my body looks of course, but I see so much sadness in my eyes at times, too.
But. I. Can’t. Seem. To. Stop.
I hate having to ask for help. I’ve always had problems with it. Especially for things that really matter to me or that I’m emotionally invested in. But I need to. The sad thing is that there really isn’t any help anyone can give. You guys are wonderful and I know you’re there for me. And other than that, I know there really isn’t much you can do.
I am definitely NOT one of those people that needs a swift kick in the rear. I don’t need a dose of reality or tough love. I don’t need the food police. I don’t respond well to those. More than likely, I would just curl up and cry…and then head for the fridge.
I am an adult with a 164-pound weight loss history under my belt. I KNOW what I need to be doing and don’t need to be told. I know that this is only a battle I can fight for myself. Only I can make the right decisions. I just need to make them.
So maybe I just need a verbal hug. Someone to say that I’m strong and can do this. I don’t know what I’m asking. I guess I’m just venting.
And I’m going to try. I’m going to try to be good to myself in all senses of the word. I feel kind of like I’m in an abusive relationship with myself right now. Physically and verbally. <insert wry smile here>
And it needs to stop. Because I deserve better than that. Am worth more than that.
So please stick with me. Don’t give up on me. I’m trying not to give up on myself. I’ll get there…again. But even if I don’t…if I never do…I still need to find some peace with who I am.