Help/No Help

Okay, take deep breaths.  The world isn’t ending, I promise.  Hell hasn’t frozen over.  You aren’t seeing double.  I am posting a second blog post in a single day.  Just happen to be in a blogging mood today, I guess.  And it’s my third one this week!!

I’m having a really good day today.  I’ve been lucky enough to have a few of those lately thanks to some pretty good friends.  But unfortunately, I’ve been in a major funk that I just can’t seem to pull myself out of.  I don’t think I’ve been this depressed since my brother died.  I don’t know what’s causing it.  There’s not really anything in my life that I can pinpoint as being a cause.  In fact, there are some things going on in my life that make me really happy.  I do know that it’s not helping that this Saturday is the 8th anniversary of my brother’s death.  Then, a week later, is his birthday.  He’d have been 30 this year.  But I’m sure there will be more blog posts about that later.

And unfortunately, you can imagine that through my huge roller coaster of emotion, I’ve been eating to deal.  I’ve talked so many times on here about how it truly can be an addiction.  And frankly, it’s one that I haven’t had the emotional wherewithal to fight lately.  Correspondingly, my weight has gone up and up…  And it’s not that I’m even eating an abnormally large amount…I’m just eating whatever I want (a/k/a the truly yummy stuff).

But I can’t do it anymore.  The food makes me feel good and happy when I’m eating it.  But then reality sinks in (and all the consequences of eating whatever I want – you know what they are) and I realize what I’m really doing to myself.  And I vow to stop.  But then…oh it just sounds so good…and I give in again.  If only you could stop eating completely like you can stop drinking alcohol.  You all know what I’m talking about.  What I’m going through.

I’ve said this before, but I think sometimes the knowledge that I can do this, that I can lose the weight almost makes it worse.  Harder.  Because I know how far I’ve fallen (risen?).  <SIGH>  I know it’s a lifelong struggle.  I know this is something I’m going to have deal with the rest of my life.  My cross to bear.  I know I can do it.  I just have to want to.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I don’t.

And remembering all of those beautiful things I post about – how we’re all beautiful and smart and wonderful at any weight and will continue to be if we never lose another pound – is hard.  I’ve really really been beating myself up inside on a daily basis.  Looking in any mirror, whether just a hand-held one that shows my face or a full length one, is agony at times.  I’m not happy with the way my body looks of course, but I see so much sadness in my eyes at times, too.

But. I. Can’t. Seem. To. Stop.

I hate having to ask for help.  I’ve always had problems with it.  Especially for things that really matter to me or that I’m emotionally invested in.  But I need to.  The sad thing is that there really isn’t any help anyone can give.  You guys are wonderful and I know you’re there for me.  And other than that, I know there really isn’t much you can do.

I am definitely NOT one of those people that needs a swift kick in the rear.  I don’t need a dose of reality or tough love.  I don’t need the food police.  I don’t respond well to those.  More than likely, I would just curl up and cry…and then head for the fridge.

I am an adult with a 164-pound weight loss history under my belt.  I KNOW what I need to be doing and don’t need to be told.  I know that this is only a battle I can fight for myself.  Only I can make the right decisions.  I just need to make them.

So maybe I just need a verbal hug.  Someone to say that I’m strong and can do this.  I don’t know what I’m asking.  I guess I’m just venting.

And I’m going to try.  I’m going to try to be good to myself in all senses of the word.  I feel kind of like I’m in an abusive relationship with myself right now.  Physically and verbally. <insert wry smile here>

And it needs to stop.  Because I deserve better than that.  Am worth more than that.

So please stick with me.  Don’t give up on me.  I’m trying not to give up on myself.  I’ll get there…again.  But even if I don’t…if I never do…I still need to find some peace with who I am.

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6 Responses
  1. Rebecca says:

    You don’t even know it, but you have been here for me so many times when I felt scared and vulnerable. I think what you have confronted in your young life, and what you have been forced to face (because there is no escape when someone you love leaves this earth), and I am reminded once again that my own feelings are real, pain is real, joy is real. And all of this, all of it, is what it means to be human. This is the human condition. It is hard. It is scary. It is wonderful.

    It does no good at all (and you know this already obviously) to beat yourself up. That only hurts a very lovely person and makes you feel worse. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You cannot keep believing that you overeat because something is inadequate or wrong with you as a person. That’s simply not true.

    There may be issues in your biology that none of us understand. There is so very much about obesity and about the drive to eat, and to overeat, which we just don’t know enough about yet. Someday we will know more, but right now the tools humans have to work with ourselves (with our bodies) on this particular challenge are not that impressive. Much of it is physiological. Only a small part is psychological. It is complex.

    But even it was 100% psychological, would that make you any less worthy of love and compassion? Of course not. We do not choose our physiological or our psychological foundations. We learn how to live with them. You are still learning.

    You will find a way through all this. I know you will. It will probably take more time than you would prefer, in fact we both know it will. Please be patient with yourself. You deserve at least that much, and of course more. Love. Empathy. Kindness. Compassion. Gentle self talk.

    Please email me anytime. I see a beautiful woman behind the words you write and the images you share here. Please let me know if you can think of anything I can do to show support. Keep believing in your goodness.

    These are not moral issues with which you and I struggle. Eating is not a moral issue. Obesity is not a moral issue. These are human challenges. Sometimes all one can do is put one foot in front of the other, day after day. That is enough. You are enough.

  2. Christy says:

    I’m going to start going back to WW meetings when I get back from my trip next month. Do you want to go with me? It might be a useful kickstart.
    Christy´s last blog post ..Best Fortune Cookie EVER

  3. Dawn says:

    Hugs Pam. Do you think therapy might help? I know for me it did. Hope you get to feeling better about yourself. Youre a sweet person that deserves good things so try to love the great person you are.

  4. Diana says:

    Pamela, I’m so sorry. I know this is hard, trust me, I’m having my own issues right now and can totally relate.

    I suspect Dawn is right. She suggested therapy to me many times and it would probably help us both. Have you thought about it? Most insurance companies cover it these days. Finding a good therapist seems to always be my problem (geez, this comment sounds like it’s all about me!).

    I know every year the anniversary of your brother’s death always hits you hard. It seems like the weeks leading up to the date and the weeks afterwards are the most difficult.

    Hang in there kid. You’ll come through it. I know this about you. You’re tough as nails. :)
    Diana´s last blog post ..First bike ride of 2011

  5. Allyson says:

    (((((Pamela)))))

  6. Hanlie says:

    I can only tell you what is working for me. I am working with a NLP life coach and it’s making all the difference. It’s helping me change my self-limiting beliefs. It’s helping me to identify the reasons why I DON’T want to succeed and change them. It’s enabling me to enter into a resourceful state instead of a defeated state at any given moment. It’s helping me set clear and realistic goals. It’s teaching me to view every situation as a choice. It’s creating instead of reacting.

    You already know what to eat, when to eat and what exercise to do. You don’t need a diet plan. You need to change the way you think and feel. I believe that ultimately that is true for everyone who wants to lose weight and keep it off.

    Anyway, as I said, that’s just what I’m doing and it’s working. Here’s that warm hug! ((((Pamela))))
    Hanlie´s last blog post ..Look inside you and be strong

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