Happy New Year & Facing the Music

Hello, my long lost friends.  Okay, we all know that it’s me that has been long lost, but here I am on this first day of 2014 to wish you all a happy new year.  Well, all of you that might still be around and I do hope some of you are.

2013 was an interesting year for me.  There was quite a bit of heartbreak at times, some health issues (including more than one bout of bronchitis), and a whole buttload of happiness.

First, I’ll face the music and get the weight thing out of the way as this site, while more of a general blog, has had a big weight loss focus throughout the years.  My weight is up.  Way up.

This was me at pretty close to my lowest weight.  Look how freaking skinny I was!  Please ignore the crazy Obama advertising.  I had just left his rally before he was elected the first time.  I refuse to turn this into a political discussion as to my current opinion of him. :)

And, sadly, this is me now (taken on Christmas day):

up blog

As you can see, most of the weight I’d lost has crept back on. Am I disappointed in myself? Horribly, sometimes.  Have I cried about it?  Oh yes.  More than once.  Have I been ashamed?  You better believe it.  Have I tried to get back on track? Lord, yes.  There were so many factors that went into me gaining the weight back. None of them are going to be a quick and easy fix.  I still blame the meds I was put on a few years ago for starting the downward (upward?) slide.

I haven’t given up hope.  I haven’t totally given up faith in myself.  There have been a few moments where I thought I did, but I’m still here.  I’m still alive.  And as long as I am, I have hope.

But you know what?  While what you see in this photo is a very very large woman, what you don’t actually see is that she is still loved.  Even by me sometimes.  Even at this tremendous weight.  Even looking like this.  I’m not some creature to be hidden and ridiculed. In this photo, I’m surrounded by loved ones.  My parents and extended family (grandma, aunt, cousins, baby cousins, etc.) are all in the room sharing Christmas day with me.  They gave me hugs and reminisced with me and laughed with me.  What you don’t see in this picture (except for a tiny little bit) is that pressed against my side with his hand against my back is my boyfriend of seven months who I truly love and who tells me daily (sometimes more than once) that he loves me.

For most of my life I often cried about and truly, deep down, believed that I could never possibly be loved.  Mostly because of my weight, but also just because of who I was.  I didn’t think I deserved it.  I didn’t think I was special enough or pretty enough.  Sometimes I still question it and wonder what he sees in me (as well as the other guys I’ve dated in the last few years), but for whatever reason, I am loved.  Even at this weight.  Even looking like this.  It’s taken a lot for my mind to wrap around it.

I’ve been very, very fortunate to have dated some wonderful men in the last couple of years who have helped build up my confidence and who have helped me become more comfortable in my skin.  Oh, I know that this should ideally come from within and I don’t need a man to validate myself.  However, for someone who was terrified to even show off her upper arms (I still am), there’s something about having someone see them and touch them and kiss them to help you realize that you aren’t a horribly disgusting monster.  Which is what I assumed for so many years that I was.  I didn’t think anyone could ever love me, and have been shown how wrong I was.  So if any of you still doubt you can find love, I hope you find some hope in my story.

I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in the last couple of years.  As I said, even though I’m so heavy again, I have a certain confidence and self-respect that I didn’t have when I was that skinny Obama-supporting girl pictured above.  I finally feel like a woman who is fighting to appreciate every bit of this wonderful (and sometimes torturous) life.

I’m going into the year 2014 with a new attitude and a new hope.  Yes, I hope to drop my weight over the course of the next year.  Do I want to get back down to the size I was above (I was about a 12/14 top and a 10 bottom)? I wouldn’t mind it – though not that quickly.  But if I’m never that skinny again, I’m okay with that.  I just want to be as healthy as I can be and not be hindered from things I want to do because of my weight.

I’m also going into the new year with a strong plan for getting my finances back on track.  I’m still trying to pay off a lot of stupidity from college and the years after when I was hardly making anything salary-wise.  I’ve already made some headway in this regard and have things set up to continue this.  I want to be able to have a secure future.  Pretty proud of what I’ve accomplished so far.

I’ve already started my decluttering project.  I have too much shit.  Seriously.  I have so much crap I don’t need that is just taking up space and making me claustrophobic.

I want to write on here more often.

I want to continue to have as many new and exciting experiences as I possibly can.  I want to appreciate every moment given to me this year (even if I don’t appreciate it at that moment).  I want to love and be there for my family and friends.  I want to continue to get to know my wonderful boyfriend and his beautiful little girl and cherish every second I have with them.

I have no resolutions, but a lot of hopes for this year.  Let’s make some memories, shall we?

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6 Responses
  1. Christy says:

    Hey lady! Great post, been missing you on here. I mean, twitter’s all well and good, but there’s something to be said for long posts. :)

    If you need any help with decluttering, let me know! I’m ruthless when it comes to other people’s belongings.
    Christy´s last blog post ..Book Pusher – The Fault In Our Stars

    • Pamela says:

      Thanks, Christy! And I’d totally take you up on the decluttering thing as I can’t stand the thought of doing it, but oh it drives me nuts to have other people go through my stuff. haha

  2. Diana says:

    Hi Pamela – your best post ever. I mean it. I love that you’ve found how to love yourself as you are and how love has found you. You’re a wonderful person. I’ve missed your posts and hope you post often. Take care dear lady.
    Diana´s last blog post ..Life goes on

  3. MB says:

    Happy New Year! It’s so great to see you. I know exactly what you’re going through as I, too, look more like my before picture than my 11 pounds lost picture but it isn’t over til it’s over and we must keep fighting for a healthy life and lifestyle if we want to stick around so I’m joining you in the fight for our healthy life. We’ve done it before and we can and will do it again. Rock on!

  4. MB says:

    Oops…that should have been 101 pounds lost although at this point 11 would be a good start….
    MB´s last blog post ..Give Me a Break!

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