Plus, she’s just an incredible woman.  I keep saying that I want to be her when “I grow up.”

You may also remember that I was lucky enough to meet her when she came to Kansas City to speak at TEDxKC.  I got several of my friends to go, as well, and every one of them was seriously impressed by what she had to say.  In fact, one of them asked me again today to let her borrow Brené’s other book.  It is called “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)“  and I will honestly admit that it was just a happy coincidence that I stumbled upon it on the clearance rack at Borders one day and picked it up.  I’m so glad I did, because it was one of the most moving nonfiction books I’ve ever read.  In fact, it’s one of the few I actually made it all the way through.

To read some of the posts in which I’ve mentioned her or her work, click here.  The oldest ones are most likely the ones in which I reviewed “I Thought It Was Just Me.”

When I met Brené, she welcomed me with open arms, literally, recognizing me from this blog (she’s visited and commented a couple of times) and Twitter.  And this is further proof of what a great lady she is.  When I asked about her new book and when it was coming out, she actually offered to send me a copy.  She asked me to email her my address and even followed up with me the next day through Twitter to make sure that I was going to.

Through no fault of her own, I never received the book.  I really wasn’t expecting to get one, and they were under no obligation whatsoever to send me one, so I wasn’t upset at all.  I knew that the book had just come out last week, I believe, so went ahead and reserved one at Barnes and Noble.  I posted my excitement to Twitter about hoping to pick it up the next day.  Brené noticed and immediately responded that they were supposed to have sent me a copy and asked if I got it.  When I said no, she asked me again for my address and said she would mail one herself.

Look what I got in the mail today:

(I dispute my awesomeness, but it was sweet)

So I am THOROUGHLY excited to read it.  I just need to finish the book I’m reading right now first, which is “The Hunger Games” by Suzanne Collins.  (It is both fantastic and deeply disturbing.)

And when you factor in the fact that I woke up to two new messages from guys on that dating site (one calling me beautiful ), my day got off to a fantastic start!  Been going pretty well the rest of the day, too!

I’ll let you know what I think as soon as I finish Brené’s “The Gifts of Imperfection.”  Actually, I’m sure I won’t be able to keep quiet about it until I’m done, so you’ll probably be hearing about it along the way.  Happy Friday!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Brené Brown’s New Book!

My whole life, I’ve been plagued with the desire, need, mandatory-ness of being perfect.  Or at least, I always felt that it was mandatory for me to strive for it.  Since it is, frankly, damn impossible for anyone to be perfect, and even more impossible for myself to be, I was constantly in the mode of self-frustration, self-loathing, self-disgust, etc.

In fact, this song could have been my anthem for myself growing up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oH4RdbsP-ww

You all know that I admire Brené and her work tremendously.  You know that her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” is coming out soon (yippee!).  You know that I can’t wait to read it.

But coming from the girl who posted on her home page that this is a place for all those who ever felt “not good enough,” her work means so much to me.

And this Perfect Protest is, dare I say it, perfect.  So let’s all stand up and refuse to be perfect.  Let’s stand up and appreciate who we are as we are…no matter what we look like, what we weigh, how much we make or how much debt we’re in, what we do, where we live, what we drive, whether our kids behave or misbehave, whether we’re sick or healthy, whether we laugh or cry, who is in or not in our lives, or whatever else may be causing us insecurities.

You may be imperfect in your eyes (or someone else’s if they’re a dumbass), but You. Are. Imperfectly. Perfectly. YOU.

Please check out Brené’s blog post and description of her protest and join in if you feel the urge!  Let me know if you decide to.  I’d love to hear what you have to say or see your picture!

Take care.  Much love to you.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

A Perfect Protest

Though I’ve been feeling that I need to take a step back from even Twitter for a bit.  To be honest, I think I’m getting a bit burned out on the whole technology thing.  There’s such a thing as being too connected, too overstimulated.  I kind of miss the days of just having tv and books and regular phones. LOL  Don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful for the new friends that I’ve met, and I’m not going anywhere, but sometimes you just need to unplug for a bit.  I feel one of those times coming and will let you know if it happens.  (Of course I say that, having fully intended on having such an unplugged moment for over a year now and have yet to do it.)

On the food front, still not doing so great.  Could be worse, could be better.  Exercise – ha.  Unfortunately, my 33rd year that was going to be so wonderful hasn’t gotten off to the greatest start.  As I posted, my birthday itself was absolutely spectacular, but it’s pretty much just gone downhill since then.  Maybe my 32nd year was going to be my best? LOL  But it’s still early, and I still have hope that things are going to turn around.

Did you all have a good weekend?  Mine was okay.  I mowed the front lawn and part of the back on Saturday before it started raining.  Then I ran some errands and drove out to see where my friends are going to be moving to.  VERY nice.  I’m hoping that it turns out to be as nice inside as it is on the outside, and really hoping they like it here.  Found out yesterday that they have a 13-month lease, but based on past experience and the number of times they’ve moved already, I’m not expecting them to stay any longer.  So don’t worry, guys, I won’t get offended if you move on from here!  Though I will give you a hard time about it.   So I’m excited to see them hopefully this coming Saturday.  I’m just a bit worried that I won’t get to see them as often as I’d like because of my work hours.

The problem with Saturday was that I didn’t eat all day, because I was so busy.  Then, by the time dinner rolled around and I could actually sit down to eat, I was so hungry that I ate really fast….and ate pizza.  Enter the worst indigestion you can imagine. OMG all of Saturday night was absolute hell on earth.  I thought I was going to die.  Payback is a bitch, let me tell you.  I learned my lesson, though (ha-we’ll see).  I’m sure all of the stress I’ve been under at work, home, etc. didn’t help all that much either.  Even now, my stomach is feeling a bit iffy.

I really am going to try and get myself back on plan.  I need to do this for me.  I need to be proud of myself again.

On the music front, I pulled out some old CDs and have been listening to Melissa Etheridge’s “Lucky” CD.  I adore it.  I bought the CD for this song, because I heard it right after my brother died and the lyrics “I’m all right, I’m all right. It only hurts when I breathe” caught my attention:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inA6iPVY_S8

And this one is one of the most powerful ones I’ve heard about 9/11:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuvBTfN9C0c

It had several other truly beautiful songs and some fun ones, so if you like her music at all, I recommend checking it out.

On the book front, I’m still reading Lynsay Sands’ “Born to Bite.”  Pretty good so far, but haven’t been much in the mood to read lately (I really must be sick!).  My pile of books to read just keeps stacking up.  I did read two on-topic books recently:  “Life in the Fat Lane” and “The Fat Girl.”  Both are young adult books.  The main character in “Life in the Fat Lane” annoyed me and I really felt that she didn’t learn much over the course of the book.  The relationship in “The Fat Girl” deeply deeply disturbed me.  But I don’t want to share too much more so that I won’t ruin it for anyone that decides to check them out.

I’ve been watching several movies lately.  Don’t know if it’s because Halloween is coming up or because I think fall is finally here (and I’m LOVING it), but I’ve been leaning towards scary movies.  I’ve watched Shaun of the Dead (LOVED it), Hot Fuzz (can you tell I love Simon Pegg?), Darkness Falls, Cube 2: Hypercube (which kept my attention, but my reaction to the end was WTF?!), Legion, and Zombieland (which I also loved and thought was hilarious) among several others.

Okay, that’s all on my front.  Seen any good movies or read any good books lately?

PS – I’m hoping to do my own post about this if I can get around to it, but as I’ve mentioned, Brené Brown’s new book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” is coming out on 10/4.  I absolutely can’t wait to read it.  But she has launched “The Perfect Protest” on her website today.  Please make sure to check it out and I hope you’ll participate!  It’s so wonderful!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Lil’ Bits

Overall, mine was pretty good.  I had a few low moments – a few things that are bothering me kind of snuck up on me here and there, but I also had a lot of fun.

First, TEDxKC was Thursday night.  I met some friends beforehand at the Nelson Art Gallery (where TEDx was held) and since we were there early, we walked around checking things out for a bit before TEDx started.  We first hit the room with the real mummy and then looked at some of the ancient artifacts, after which we ran upstairs to check out some of the Asian exhibits.  These last ones included my favorite room of the museum that is so incredibly peaceful I could sit in it for hours.

We then went down and enjoyed the TEDx presentation.  Which. Was. Fabulous.  There was one speaker (I won’t name names) that about put me to sleep, and one that was so-so, but the rest were just absolutely amazing. Afterward, we hung out at the reception for a little bit (free drinks!).  I then tracked down Brené Brown in the auditorium (which I wrote about in my last post (see it for a picture) – and see more about her presentation below).  She was amazingly kind.  After all of that, some of us headed to a local restaurant for happy hour.  Overall, a fun night.

On Saturday, I went to a friend’s Passion Party which turned out to be amazingly fun, as well.  Lots and lots of laughing.  At one point, I found myself thinking:  “Is there anything more beautiful than a group of people spontaneously and uproariously laughing all at once?”

Today, the highlight was seeing “Charlie St. Cloud” finally.  I was really sleep deprived, so I actually felt like I was going to fall asleep through parts of it, but overall, it was pretty good.  I think the character’s little brother was much more likable in the book than in the film, but there were three scenes especially that really brought tears to my eyes and two of them were just phenomenal scenes.  The one that affected me the most (for obvious reasons) takes place in the ambulance after the accident when he realizes that his brother is dead.  OMG heartbreaking for me.

So now, back to TEDxKC and Brené Brown.

And all I can say is WOW.  Just WOW.  In person, she is everything that she appears to be through her book, DVD, and blog.  Her presentation really spoke to me, as does most of her work, and gave me a lot to think about.  Plus, she was hilarious!  The whole audience was laughing uproariously at her anecdotes.

Here she is on stage, though the picture didn’t come out very well:

She talked about how we worry so much that we aren’t living an extraordinary enough life that we lose sight of how extraordinary the ordinary in our lives can be.  She talked about vulnerability and how quickly we’re losing  tolerance with others’ vulnerability and losing touch with our own ability to be vulnerable, and what that means to our ability to make genuine connections with others.  It was amazing.

I myself know that over the years, I’ve lost my ability to be easily vulnerable with others.  I still have absolutely no problem with sitting with other people in their own vulnerability, but when it comes to sharing my own story, I have an increasingly difficult time talking about things that are bothering me.  I’ve tried to open up more and more on here lately about all that is going on with me, but it is extremely difficult.  And I know that people have reached out to me in my “real” life lately when they know that something is upsetting me, but I find that I have an extremely hard time opening myself up to them.  There’s a part of me that desperately wants to share – to have someone listen and care, but I think there’s a part of me that deep down inside fears that they really don’t.  Or that the things I’m worried about are just stupid.

So in honor of Brené’s presentation, I have a couple of questions for you.

1. Do you find it easy to allow yourself to be vulnerable with others?
2. Do you find it easy to be with others in their own vulnerability?

I’ve also really been struggling lately with my blog.  I do love it.  It’s been a part of me for 2 and a half years now, but I’m starting to wonder where it’s going or if anyone, including myself, is still getting anything from it.  I know I go in spurts with my blogging.  It’s also hard to figure out what to write about when you’ve been doing it for years.  So here is another question for you.

1. Do you have any questions for me?  I’ll try and answer them as honestly as I can.  This is an open-ended question.  No closing date, no rules.  Feel free to leave them here or send me a message.
2. Anything in particular you’d like to see me blog about?

I appreciate your help!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Vulnerability and Questions

I had a good night.  Met some great new people, had some fun with some old-er friends and GOT TO MEET BRENE BROWN!  And even better, she recognized me before I said anything!

Okay, so the full story/scoop will come tomorrow. But had to share my excitement! (Not the most flattering pic of me, but it was a great, exciting moment!):

Post from Uncovering Pamela

I Met Brené Brown!

You all know that I work/sleep some funky hours.  Well, I heard that the TEDxKC tickets were going to become available today, and since I knew that Brené Brown is going to be one of the speakers, I knew I had to do everything in my power to get tickets.  You can read an article in the KC Star about the event here.  It says, though, that she is going to be speaking on social anxiety and human behavior.  Score!

I went to bed around 5am, originally setting my alarm for 9:00am just to see if they might be available then.  I actually ended up waking up a little before eight and checked, but they weren’t available yet.  I reset my alarm for about 10:45 thinking that surely they’ll be available by then, but it’s still early in the day, so I shouldn’t have a problem getting tickets (which are free).

Ha.  I just happened to wake up around 8:30 or so and thought hey, I’m awake, I’ll check Twitter to see if they’ve announced that they’re available.  Well, they hadn’t, but one guy that I follow did.  I hopped onto the site ASAP and got a “server busy” message.  I hit refresh a few times and was finally able to order the maximum of two tickets.

(Let me quickly throw in here a “WHOOHOO I’m going to get to see/hear Brené Brown speak in person”)

Well, it is apparently much more popular than I thought, because all 650 tickets were gone in an hour.  Completely sold out.  Insanity!  But I am beyond excited that I get to go.  Even a busy night at work didn’t change that.

Most of you have seen me post about Brené’s work or mention her on here many, many times, so you know how much I admire what she does.  I think she’s an amazing woman and want to be more like her “when I grow up.”  If you haven’t already, check out her website here.  Her blog is usually wonderful, heartfelt, and thought-provoking.

I originally became acquainted with her work when I discovered her book, “I Thought It Was Just Me,” on sale at Borders.  One of the best non-fiction works I’ve ever read.  She explains her research in an easy, down-to-earth way and is very open about sharing how it relates to her own experiences.

She also has a new book coming out in September (I believe) called “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.” And if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, then you know that I’m dying to get my hands on it.

Here is a list of some of the posts in which I’ve mentioned her or her work.  There are even a couple that she commented on.  I also posted on Twitter that I got my tickets and was excited to see her and she responded!  I know there are going to be over 650 people there, but am really hoping to get to meet her!

Anyway, the event is on August 12th.  Expect to hear more about it in the coming weeks!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

TEDxKC & Brené Brown

• I’m still on plan!  WHOOHOO! No slipping up at all.  <SHOCKED>
• I’m getting really excited about the Manchester United v. KC Wizards soccer game on Sunday.  Just really dreading the heat!  It’s at Arrowhead Stadium (Home of the KC Chiefs) and I’ve never been there before in my life even though I grew up here in KC.
• I’m also excited about *hopefully* attending TEDxKC. I wouldn’t be so excited if it was just the event itself, but Brené Brown, the shame researcher and author that I’ve discussed on here MANY times and who I admire greatly is supposed to be one of the speakers. I really hope I get to meet her, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Right now, I’m just hoping I get a ticket before they’re all reserved! They won’t be available until next week.
• I’m still working on watching the show “Angel” with my dad.  He’s really liking it, though he said he thought parts of Season 2 veered towards “chick flick” land.  While I liked all the seasons for the most part, Seasons 3 and 4 were definitely not my favorites, so he’s been watching most of those on his own.  I’m also realizing that it is Season 4 that I really didn’t like (though, of course, there were some episodes I did like).  A lot of the characters were annoying and the storyline was just absurd.  I told him though that as soon as he hits Season 5, he can’t watch them without me, as that’s my favorite season.  Yes, I’m a geek that even owns a “Wolfram and Hart” T-shirt.    It sadly doesn’t quite fit right now, but it’s getting there.  For you Buffy fans, I also have one that says “Hostile 17.”
• Christy (a/k/a Angelchrys) is back at it again.  She’s gotten me hooked on “The Big Bang Theory.”  I’ve only seen Season 1 so far, but I freaking love it.
• Along those lines, I’m still working my way through “Firefly” which both Christy and our friend, Doug, sucked me into. I swear, so many shows like this one get canceled WAY before their time. It definitely should have been on the air longer.
• I just finished reading the book, “Charlie St. Cloud.”  Every time I saw the preview it made me cry (most likely for obvious reasons – my brother), so I had to pick up the book when I saw it at Borders.  It was very predictable – I figured out early on how it was going to end – but I enjoyed it and am still looking forward to seeing the film.  I could tell one difference from the book just from the preview, though, so it’ll be interesting to see what else they have changed.
• You all know me well enough to know that I have a massive stack of unread books ready for me, but next up is my friend, Amy Knupp‘s new one, “Playing with Fire.”  If you like romance novels, check it out!  It should be available anywhere Harlequin SuperRomances are available.
• Every few weeks or so, I hear Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” song on the radio and get it stuck in my head….for days.  I finally broke down and bought the CD on Sunday and listened to it today.  I LOVE IT!  In addition to “Hey Soul Sister,” it has a lot of good (I think) songs on it.  Here are two of my favorites:

I adore words, so it hurts me to promote a song recommending that they be used as firewood
and burned, but I really think this song has a great message.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVHuErjO9js

And this one is the first on the CD and when it reached the lines “I’ve been high.
I’ve been low.  I’ve been yes, and I’ve been oh hell no!” I cracked up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtDN21XFUW0

And the one that started it all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xzosXEViIg

• I also went through a “Snow Patrol” obsession this week – it had been a while since I’d listened to their CD.  Here are two of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfa9yxCpWoA

• I’ve become somewhat of an addict at taking sunset/sky pictures.  Here are a couple from yesterday (we had a hell of a storm come through)

• All of those pictures were taken with my new HTC EVO phone, which I am still loving.  My only issue with it right now is that it drains the battery incredibly quickly (which I was aware of before I bought it).  I’ve had Sprint for over 10 years, but since getting the EVO, I’m starting to think that Sprint’s coverage is on the sucky side.  It seems that walls in buildings may be a bit more than it can handle sometimes.  On the plus side, I’m getting used to having an all-touch phone.  And I freaking love the “Swype” software.  It’s almost like magic, and the only way it could be improved would be to have arrow keys like the regular keyboard.
• Tomorrow, if I can get myself out of bed, I get to go stand in line to renew my license plate.  By which I say thank the good Lord.  I have a personalized plate, and for the past few years, I’ve been stuck with a freaking buffalo on my plate!  For obvious reasons, I haven’t been too fond of that.  The new one is much prettier:

• Because I’m so close to being 100 pounds down again, I allowed myself to wear the ring I bought myself as a reward when I first hit my 100 pounds gone.  I usually prefer my jewelry and rings on the understated/simple side, but I fell in love with this one.  I love sapphires (which just happen to be my birthstone)

• My goals for this week are to try and get more sleep (HA) and to drink more water – and to stay on plan, of course.

Well, I think that’s about it for me today.  Hope you all are having a good week!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Various

There are many reasons for it – some measurable, that I can pinpoint to a specific cause, and some not.

Based on the subject of this post, you may choose to believe that it is solely based on the weight that I’ve regained.  Part of it is.  Maybe part of it is the reason I regained over 80 pounds.  I’ve been trying to figure those things out along the way, and am just now trying to put those ideas into concrete words.  So bear with me.

One day when I was out walking on one of my favorite trails – this was when I was just barely starting to get back on track – I was once again contemplating what in the world could have made me gain so much weight to begin with.  I’ve never quite been able to figure it out.  But I had a sudden realization that day, that my thoughts always seem to circle back to one idea.  I don’t fit in.

I’ve never once in my entire life felt that I “fit.”  Even as a young child, I never felt like I fit in anywhere.  Even with close friends, I’ve often felt that they were just tolerating me.  And this is definitely not a reflection on them (okay, maybe on a few), but on my good friends, this is entirely on me.  I wondered that day when I was strolling along if maybe, at some point, my subconscious made a decision to make the outside of me literally, physically “not fit.”  It made my outside a reflection of how I felt on the inside.  Perhaps it gave me a reason to explain why I didn’t fit in.  I’m fat.  I don’t fit in physically – into airplane seats, restaurant booths, etc.  I’m fat.  I don’t fit in, because I’m different than my friends, than society as a whole.  Once again, giving a physicality to what I was feeling on the inside.  It gave me a physical reason that I could blame for why I didn’t feel good enough.

I know that I’ve mentioned how much I admire and respect the author Brené Brown.  Recently, she announced that they were releasing a DVD of one of her presentations entitled:  “The Hustle for Worthiness:  Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough.”  Score!  It took me a few days to justify the cost (it’s $25 for a 50 minute presentation), but I finally broke down and ordered it.  I mean, seriously, I’ll spend $20 on Harry Potter for God’s sake.  Why wouldn’t I spend $25 on trying to understand myself better?

I watched it tonight at work (it was a fairly slow night) and loved it.  Words can’t express how much I support it.  But there are so many ideas that really struck me – nearly knocked me down – that I’m still trying to wrap my mind around them.  Perhaps I’ll write more about it soon.  But one of the things that she mentions is the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.”  What I’ve felt over the years, while perhaps at first was a fear of not “fitting in,” what my weight was really masking was a fear of not “belonging.”  As she explains, they are different.  Over the years, especially throughout high school and early college, I really learned how to “fit in.”  Entirely too well.  I became whatever someone wanted or needed me to be at the time.  Whatever friend I was with, I did my damnedest to be just like them (minus the whole physical issue of weight, of course) and agree with whatever opinion they had.  If I didn’t, they might make fun of me (*gasp*).

Of course, this could all feed back to elementary/middle school where I was made fun of relentlessly for my weight.  See the chicken vs egg issues I’m having?  Like I said before, it’s a rolling ball of twine.  It’s all tied up together.  But really, what I was most afraid of was not belonging – not having that group that I could be myself with and not having those people in my life that totally “got” me and accepted me for who I was.

Ms. Bitch Cakes’ most recent post really hit home.  I never had a lot of friends growing up.  Okay, I did have a few friends, but no one really that I could tell my dreams and hopes and secrets to.  Not until I met my best friend, Abby, in high school.  Even then, I was scared to share too much with her until later on in high school.

And because of this, I don’t really know how to relate to people well.  I spent a lot of time by myself reading, watching TV (this was before the internet).  Even to this day, I’m most comfortable when I’m by myself.  Most social situations tend to freak me out – mostly grounded in the fear of making a fool of myself or being thought of as a freak.  Things that might make a normal person slightly embarrassed are sources of abject mortification for me that I relive day after day, year after year.  Even today, I can remember something I might have said or done 20 years ago that embarrassed me, and feel just as much humiliation now as I did then.

At times, I’m either not trying hard enough or trying too hard to make that connection.  I’ve never learned that balance of being able to “just be me.”  I’ve finally gotten to the point of where I can express my opinions on things.  I now have no problem with telling you what I like and dislike and if I disagree with you.  If someone is hurting, or a friend really needs a friend (either to laugh or cry with) I’m totally there.  Without hesitation or doubt.  But if it is myself that needs the friend, whether to laugh or cry with, well, I have a much easier time with the laughing part, but I still don’t feel comfortable with the asking.  Somewhere along the way (and I believe this part also has a lot to do with my brother’s death), I learned to laugh over anything that might really be bothering me or shrug it off with dry humor.  I don’t know how to share that part of myself anymore.  I think part of it might be due to having a few people in my life at one point that would merely respond to something I was struggling with with an “mm-hmm” or some other noncommittal remark.  And that’s it.  I think I learned that I was talking too much about myself, they were bored and uninterested and to just stop.

As I grew up, I was sure that getting thin would fix everything.  The birds would sing, the sun would come out, I’d be surrounded by best friends who would totally love me for who I was, guys would be lining up to date me, and all would be right with the world.  Ha.  Of course, as I got older, I came to realize that most of that was baloney.  As Popeye would agree, I was what I was and am what I am regardless of what I weigh.

I think I just wasn’t prepared for how little would actually change.  Sure:

• I felt lighter on my feet
• Didn’t get out of breath as easily
• Could fit into smaller clothes
• Was more willing to go out in public
• Could sit in my car without my stomach touching the wheel (which I’m proud to say that I still can, even with my weight gain)

But there were things I wasn’t prepared to deal with:

• At my lowest of 179-180, I still felt hugely fat at times, which I think had more to do with the numbers and the loose skin than anything else.  You see, I was still comparing myself to everyone else.

• I didn’t feel that much better physically, and am starting to believe that my doctors were right in thinking that my anxiety levels have a lot to do with it.
• My PET, which had gradually gotten worse as the weight went down, was making my life a living hell.
• I was still disgusted by my body which hadn’t changed – all the contours, shapes, rolls were the same, just smaller.  Of course, I’m even more thoroughly disgusted now at my current weight.
• I didn’t have my weight as an excuse anymore to hide from the world.  It was like, “oh crap, now I have to start dealing with things.”  All those things that I promised, swore I would do or deal with when I got thin reared up and smacked me in the head.
• And I got scared.  There were things that I would potentially have to start dealing with that I wasn’t comfortable dealing with or even thinking about.

So all of those are multiple things that I think led to my weight regain, along with:

• I just freaking like to eat.  I love to eat.  I love food.  I love eating whatever I want whenever I want – savoring the flavor, texture, etc.  As Neil says in “Lbs.,” “I love food.  I am freaking happy when I’m eating food.  I love it.”  (You had to know I’d sneak a “Lbs.” reference in here somehow.)
• Because of that, I was tired of what felt like serious deprivation.  I truly believe that food can be a serious addiction, and when I just couldn’t take it anymore, I went on about an eight month ice cream and pizza bender.  I guess you could say I relapsed.
• As I mentioned on Tuesday, I did get cocky.  I started having a little bit of a cheat here and there, a few uncounted Hershey’s kisses here, an extra piece of pizza there, and really, it didn’t affect my weight too badly until it got out of control.
• It didn’t help that knowing my weight history, my doctor still put me on a medication that is notorious for causing ravenous hunger and weight gain (off of it now, thank God).
• And seriously, if I was going to be that thin and still be miserable?  Then why not eat and enjoy it?

After reading this, you probably imagine that I spend 100% of the time beating myself up inside for not being good enough.  Not entirely (maybe only 75%).  There are parts of myself that I really like: I know that I’m compassionate, and I have a lot of love to share.  I know that there are things that I’m really good at.  But still, I find myself comparing myself to others and falling short.  Constantly, it’s “I wish I was more like her; I wish I was more like him; I wish I had thought of that, I wish I was….I wish I had….”

When I was growing up, I wasn’t afraid to dream big.  By the time I was my current age, I was going to be ruling the world – own my own international business, been to the moon, won the Nobel peace prize and the highest literary and poetry prizes in the world, be happily married with 12 kids (perhaps a slight exaggeration), have traveled to exotic locations all around the world (don’t you love how going to the moon came to mind first?), I’d own a mansion that my kids could run around in, would take care of my parents so they wouldn’t have to worry ever again, I’d be a black belt in karate, have studied with the Dalai Lama, etc., etc., etc.  There were so many things that I wanted to do, but was afraid to pursue – weight gave me a concrete excuse for avoiding the risk of humiliation, ridicule that I expected.  And when the weight was there, it gave me one more reason to fear trying for those things.  Again, chicken or egg?  I don’t really know.

And when the weight came off, I couldn’t use that as an excuse for why I wasn’t brave enough to go after the things I wanted.  I also couldn’t hide anymore from the fears that my life would never be “normal” regardless of my weight (whatever the skewed image of a “normal life” was that I had).

There are times when I feel like I’ve boxed myself into this life that I didn’t want and can’t escape from.  I know that the only way is to start taking baby steps.  This blog and starting to open up about my weight were the first steps, but it’s been two years, and minus 160+ pounds and plus 80+ pounds and minus 18 pounds, and my life hasn’t changed one iota.  Except that here I am.  Baring my soul to the world risking ridicule and yes, humiliation.  Especially since people that know me in my “real life” are reading this.

Perhaps there has been some progress.

So here I am, laying it all out on the line in the hopes that someone somewhere might relate to even a little piece of my story.  As Brené says in her DVD, I’m trying to own my own story and find the worthiness within it.

A while back, I added a couple of Brené’s badges to my sidebar declaring that I’m choosing to live authentically and wholeheartedly.  I’m trying to live up to that.  On her DVD, she declares that “authenticity is about the courage to be imperfect” and that it means “I am enough.”  That’s what I’m striving for here.

And I’ll leave you with one more quote from Brené:

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.  It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

So this is me.

This is my story.

And yes, I am worthy.  I’m working on trying to believe that at all times.  And am refusing to fear the dark at this point in time.

Please be gentle.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Why I Regained 80 Plus Lbs.

Over the past few days I’ve come across a few posts that particularly resonated with me and I wanted to share links to them.  So here they are in no particular order:

• Bye, Bye Beck and Other Realizations by PastaQueen.  Funny, because I’ve had the Beck book sitting completely untouched for many, many, many months now.  A little sad, because while unlike her I’m not happy with where I’m at,  she sums up exactly how I feel about running into people who haven’t seen me since I was at my low weight.
• Can Victoria’s Secret Help You Love Your Body? over at We Are the Real Deal.  Very interesting article.  I am one that will never be able to shop there – not because they have never carried my size, but even when I was at my lowest weight, I couldn’t because of extra skin issues (TMI, I know), so I totally understood where the author is coming from.  And the whole thing about women loving their bodies is great, but like the author also said, if that’s their goal, why are they talking about what they love about male bodies in the video she links to?
• I’m pretty.  pissed. by Brene Brown.  Her blog is always a fantastic read, but this one is great to remind us that everyone is entitled to share their opinion without being smacked with an unnecessary cruel response.  I think that the thing that makes me saddest in this world is the cruelty I see on the ‘net every day.  Seriously, what is wrong with people?  I choose to keep my authenticity and share my opinions.  If you don’t agree with me, I’m happy to hear it.  But I declare this a cruelty-free zone (whether responding to me or someone else), and luckily, I’ve never had to boot a comment for it.  I think #2 on her list really hit me as it’s something I’ve struggled with throughout my life.
• My Core Hurt Eating – A MUST Read for those that Overeat by Roni.  I haven’t had a chance to read through the articles she links to just yet, but am looking forward to it.
• Kelly over at Pounds for Prom mentioned the movie, “Fat:  What No One is Telling You” a while back and I watched it a couple of weeks ago on Netflix.  Very interesting movie.  Don’t agree with everything that is said in it (especially from one woman who is constantly about to fall out of her top as she works out), but I love that they have scientists that discuss how it’s not always a lack of willpower that can explain the hold that food can have over us.
• Hot Guys Turned Food:  Christian Bale by Tony the Pink Panda.  Just ’cause it’s fun and I love Christian Bale (even with his recent crazy-like behavior).  I myself can’t speak as to how true this comparison is since I’ve never had Rocky Road ice cream.
• Late Night Snacks by Tony (a/k/a The Anti-Jared).  A very unique way to avoid late time snacking (that cracked me up).
• Something a Little Different by Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.  Best. Post. Ever.

Those are just a few of the things that have caught my eye that I wanted to share with you.

Since I’m getting back in the swing of things, I have some updating and cleaning house to do on my site.  If you’re a reader/lurker with a blog that you don’t see over to your right (whether it’s weight-loss related or not), and want me to check it out and most likely add it, hit me up with a comment or message.  I’d love to hear from you!  If you haven’t commented before, let me know a little about you and how long you’ve been visiting.  Always great to make new friends!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Link Love

I was perusing more of her website, when I noticed these pretty little badges over at the left side of her page:

So I clicked on the “I Choose Authenticity” badge to find out more. Please click on it above to see what I read.

On this site, I’ve decided that “I Choose Authenticity.” It’s hard to bare your soul on the page (er, screen) for others to read and possibly judge. It’s difficult to do for strangers, and sometimes even more so when you know that people from your “real life” are also reading. As I lost the greatest portion of my weight and grew to know people through the Weight Watchers message boards and through this blog, I’ve felt myself become more open about some things. Others are still a struggle. But it is through that struggle that we learn that we are not alone. It is through that struggle that we learn to be and love who we are. Not who we think we should be.

So I choose authenticity and choose to live and love with my wholeheart. Again, to find out just what that means and maybe join her movement, please click on the pictures above.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

“I Choose Authenticity”