You’re not going to believe it, but I actually cleared out my Google Reader last night.  Now, admittedly, there were over 1000+ posts (I’m not sure exactly as that is what it maxes out at), so I wasn’t able to read all of them, but I did read quite a few.  Of course, now it is back up to around 30, but hopefully this will be a first dip of my toe back into the blog-reading world.

Food-wise, this week isn’t going so great.  And the scale is responding in kind (but it can go suck my big toe).  All-in-all, I can’t say that it has been absolutely horrible, but I did have a run-in with about three store-made chocolate chip cookies on Tuesday night.

I’m doing better food-wise today.  Mentally also.  Yesterday was somewhat of a rough day for me.  Nothing really bad happened, but I was just kind of in a “mood.”

So in honor of my actually reading blogs again, I thought I would share some link love of things that really grabbed my attention (not that all of the rest of you didn’t grab my attention, because you did!).

• All the Wrinkled Ladies Video – via Moonduster (Becky). Hysterical with a fantastic message!
• What are you waiting for? – on Dare to Become
• Going along with my new obsession for photographing as many sunsets as I can, I think this 365 Project looks interesting!
• 20 of the World’s Most Beautiful Libraries – because well, I’m me!
• 15 Extraordinary Mass Human Formations – just for fun
• 9 of the Most Amazing Bookstores in the World – I MUST move to or at least visit Hay-on-Wye
• 100 Ways to Show Boldness – I don’t agree with some of the ideas on this list (some seem more mean-spirited (I’m going to show you I’m better than you) than bold), but some are worth thinking about
• I know most of you know Mary and Kepa and have probably already heard about their engagement, but seriously, I’m still a swooning sappy mess from watching Kepa’s video of his proposal!

Okay, I hope you enjoyed these and that you’re all having a great week!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Link Love

In yet another effort to keep myself up as late as possible, I came across this list of 99 things over at Angelia’s site “Amelioration.”  Would love for you guys to fill it out as well if you’re interested, and if you do, please leave me a link!  Since I can never keep my mouth shut, I’ve made comments on some of the things that I haven’t done, as well.  The bolded ones are ones that I have done.

1. Started your own blog – (Who me? A blog? Huh? No way.)

3.  Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor  shower

6. Given more to charity than you could afford to.

7.  Been to Disney - in first grade

8. climbed a mountain – Um, it felt like a mountain? Um, I was on top of one once in TN? As Angelia said, I’m counting it!

9. Held a praying mantis – I’m sure I have

10. Sung a solo – HELL no, though I was in choir in 5th and 6th grade – anyone who knows me knows this thought is hysterical

11.  Bungee jumped – Am actually considering it (though as I’ve said before, I’d probably need a shove)

12. Visited Paris – want to really badly

13. Watched a thunder and  lightning storm – LOVE

14. Taught yourself an art from  scratch – SO so many (like making jewelry, for example)

15. Adopted a child – I would consider it someday

17. Walked to the top of the statue of liberty – I’ve been on the island!

18. Grown your own vegetables – I haven’t, but my parents did when I was a kid

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France – want to!

20.  Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22.  Hitch hiked – no way, are you insane?

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – Ahem <cough> me? Never would do such a thing.

25. Held a lamb – have petted plenty of sheep though

26. Gone skinny dipping – Um, no, though not for lack of opportunity

27.  Run a marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – Again, would LOVE

29.  Seen a total eclipse – I believe so in high school

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset – daily lately

31.  Hit a home run – I was always happy just to hit the damn ball

32. Been on a cruise – cruises involve swimsuits

33. Seen Niagara Falls in  person – would also love

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors – Well, am part native american, so it counts! Would also love to see Germany and England (my other two biggest, though there are other countries, too.  My dad has us traced back to 1200 A.D. if I remember correctly)

35.  Seen an Amish community – um, only in passing

36. Taught yourself a new  language-I know a little bit of French from high school (gets rustier every year). Would love to learn a new language.  Damn Rosetta Stone for being so expensive!

37. had enough  money to be truly satisfied-for one very brief fleeting moment in time

38. Seen the leaning tower of Pisa in  person – again, would LOVE

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in  person – would LOVE

41. Sung karaoke – see No. 10 above – believe me, the audience should kiss me for not putting them through that.  Love to watch people sing it though

42. Seen old faithful  erupt – would LOVE

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant – no, but have always wanted to do this

44.  Visited Africa – would like to some day

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight – Just once and it was with family

46. Been transported in an  ambulance - was hit by a car when I was four

47. Had your portrait painted – i started to put no, but then remembered that my grandpa painted my family when I was a little kid

48. Gone deep-sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine  chapel in person – would love

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris – would love

51.  Gone scuba diving or snorkeling – does snorkeling in a pool count?

52. Kissed in  the rain

54. Gone to a drive-in theater – have always wanted to!

55.  Been in a movie – do home movies count?

56. Visited the great wall of china – would love

57.  Started a business

58. Taken a  martial arts class – have always wanted to

59. Visited Russia – would love

60. Served at a soup  kitchen

61.  Sold girl scout cookies – not girl scout cookies, but Camp Fire Candy

62. Gone whale watching

63.  Gotten flowers for no reason – a great feeling

64. Donated blood, platelets or  plasma

65. Been sky diving – um, hell no

66. Visited a concentration camp – I dearly dearly want to visit Auschwitz some day

67.  Bounced a check –not a check, but have miscalculated something before with one of my debit cards and once had a company withdraw a payment twice

68. Flown in a  helicopter – no, would like to.  Once had a goal of learning to fly one

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – Confession: I have tons of my childhood toys.  Mostly in storage.  I even took a picture with my favorite cabbage patch doll when I was going through my storage unit one day.

70.  Visited the Lincoln memorial – yes!!! As of May, I can say that! Thank you “Lbs.” the movie for spurring me into going!

71. Eaten caviar – UGH no

72. Pieced a  quilt- no, but I helped make squares for one when I was in Camp Fire as a kid

73. Stood in times square - More than once and want to go back!

74. Toured the  Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the  changing of the guard in London – would LOVE

77. Broken a bone – see no. 46 above

78.  Been a passenger on a motorcycle – mom’s cousin was killed on one, so they kind of scare me

79. Seen the grand canyon  in person – hopefully next spring!

80. Published a book – no, dearly hope to one day – guess I should start writing one, huh?

81. Visited the Vatican – would love

82.  Bought a brand new car – just a used one

83. Walked in Jerusalem – would love

84. Had  your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on new  year’s eve – not on new year’s eve ;o)

86. Visited the white house – outside of it

87. Killed and prepared an  animal for eating – um, hell no!

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved  someone’s life – we all may have saved someone’s life without knowing it

90. Sat on a jury – think it would be interesting

91. Met someone famous- Oh my, this is one category in which I excel.  Besides Brian Krause and Carmine Famiglietti/Matthew Bonifacio/Lou Martini, Jr., and the authors Jim Butcher and Amy Knupp (among others), I’ve also met: BlackHawk, Tim McGraw, Billy Dean, Chely Wright, Clint Black, and a list of other country singers that filled many, many notebook pages.  For two years, I helped out with Artist Escort/Security for the Country Music Fan Fair and the second year, I was pretty much in charge of it.

92. Joined a book club – you’re going to be shocked as hell, but I have never done this

93. Gotten a tattoo – nope.  I said maybe when I hit my goal weight, but it’s so permanent….and there’s pain….and what would I get?

94.  Had a baby- hopefully maybe someday

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96.  Swam in the great salt lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

99. Been stung by a bee- never!

As Angelia said, I obviously have a lot left in my life that I want to do, so I need to get off my ass!  I also need to make sure that I am the healthiest me that I can be in order to live long enough to do all of these things.  Because frankly, this list doesn’t even begin to cover what I want to experience in this life.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

99 Things

This was an excited me before we left for the game:

You know the best part about it?  I bought that t-shirt at the National World War I Museum back on Memorial Day weekend.  It was the weekend that we went to the dinosaur exhibit.  It didn’t fit when I bought it! It was WAY too tight!  AND NOW IT FITS!  Which is just awesome because it has a picture of Snoopy on it as the Flying Ace.

(Note: I went ahead and bought it back then knowing that it wouldn’t fit, because I had faith in myself that I would be able to fit into that size again.  And you know what?  That faith in myself obviously paid off!)

As you know, I’ve been talking about this game for a while now.  I’m not a huge sports fan. Okay, really, I’m not a sports fan at all.  Sure, if I hear that the Royals or the Chiefs won, then sure I’m happy for them.  And if I’m at a game in person, then sure, I’d probably enjoy it – we used to go to Royals games all the time when I was a kid.  But to watch on TV or follow on the radio? UGH.  I’ve never been to a Chiefs game, so have never been to Arrowhead stadium  Until today:

Before getting to our seats, we checked out the souvenir stand.  I got a Wizards scarf and a Manchester United 2010 tour t-shirt:

I took over 200 pictures and a few videos of the game, so I definitely won’t bore you with all of them, but here are just a few:

And, of course, if you follow me on Twitter and/or read the title of this post, then you’re already familiar with the outcome of the game.  We won!  2-1!!!  Yes, the Kansas City Wizards beat Manchester United!?!?!  I personally think that maybe they just ate too much barbecue yesterday when they got into town.

Here’s our victorious team:

From what I heard, there were 52,424 people there (more than the number attending each of the Toronto and Philadelphia games) and there were people from at least 43 different states.  Not to mention the people who came from overseas!  I’m just so proud of our guys!

After we left the stadium, I walked around taking some photos of the stadiums (the Royals stadium is right next door) while we waited for some of the traffic to head out.  I took this one that I really love.  The cars in the parking lot and part of the city buildings are reflected in the windows of Arrowhead Stadium:

Unfortunately, my eating this weekend was pretty bad, so I’m not overly hopeful about weigh in on Tuesday.  But you know what?  I really didn’t do that bad, and I lived this weekend.  To me, it was a success regardless of what happens on Tuesday.  And this game?  Definitely worth the price of admission.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

KC Wizards Beat Manchester United!!!!!

I’m pretty determined, but if I can’t figure some of these out, then I may be moving on.  But this is my new theme for now.  Please bear with me while I try to work out the kinks!

Update:  In my true insane fashion, I’ve been up all night tweaking and revising and am really starting to like this theme.  Hope you do, too.  So right now, I would say it’s probably going to stick around for a bit.  Just seems so much more vibrant and fun than my other one. Keep in mind – it’s still a work in progress!

I think this is my favorite part:

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Theme Switch

Unfortunately, I’m either fighting off a head cold or have just been slammed by allergies.  Last night, I was thinking head cold.  Today, I’m thinking probably allergies.  Right now, I’m struggling with really watery, burning eyes.  Not too pleasant when you’re at work.  I’ll be fine, though.

I got my license plate all renewed today and will get to keep the same personalized plate.  I’m glad about that, because I kind of like it.

Overall, it’s been kind of a rough day for me, but I’m muddling through.  And am still sticking to plan!  (And ignoring the “meanie head” scale, to use a friend’s words.)

For quite a while now, I’ve been contemplating a design switch on my site. I’ve had the same look for two years now, so I think it’s time for a change.  While the current one really fit the feel that I was going for – growth and change – and while I’ve put tons and tons of time into it tweaking this and that, I’ve gotten fairly bored with it.  Besides, I feel like I’m turning over a new leaf – making changes in my life – so this site should be reflective of that.

I unfortunately don’t have the funds to pay someone to design something unique to my site, so will be tweaking a free theme – if I can find one that just screams “use me!”

In fact, I may cycle through a few until I find the one that works.  So don’t be surprised if you visit my site and funky things are going on – especially if you’re visiting in the middle of the night – it just means Pamela is at work.   Hopefully it won’t be too annoying.

PS-I almost forgot the best part! I finally felt comfortable enough to wear my new smaller-sized pants today!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Time for a Change

• I’m still on plan!  WHOOHOO! No slipping up at all.  <SHOCKED>
• I’m getting really excited about the Manchester United v. KC Wizards soccer game on Sunday.  Just really dreading the heat!  It’s at Arrowhead Stadium (Home of the KC Chiefs) and I’ve never been there before in my life even though I grew up here in KC.
• I’m also excited about *hopefully* attending TEDxKC. I wouldn’t be so excited if it was just the event itself, but Brené Brown, the shame researcher and author that I’ve discussed on here MANY times and who I admire greatly is supposed to be one of the speakers. I really hope I get to meet her, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Right now, I’m just hoping I get a ticket before they’re all reserved! They won’t be available until next week.
• I’m still working on watching the show “Angel” with my dad.  He’s really liking it, though he said he thought parts of Season 2 veered towards “chick flick” land.  While I liked all the seasons for the most part, Seasons 3 and 4 were definitely not my favorites, so he’s been watching most of those on his own.  I’m also realizing that it is Season 4 that I really didn’t like (though, of course, there were some episodes I did like).  A lot of the characters were annoying and the storyline was just absurd.  I told him though that as soon as he hits Season 5, he can’t watch them without me, as that’s my favorite season.  Yes, I’m a geek that even owns a “Wolfram and Hart” T-shirt.    It sadly doesn’t quite fit right now, but it’s getting there.  For you Buffy fans, I also have one that says “Hostile 17.”
• Christy (a/k/a Angelchrys) is back at it again.  She’s gotten me hooked on “The Big Bang Theory.”  I’ve only seen Season 1 so far, but I freaking love it.
• Along those lines, I’m still working my way through “Firefly” which both Christy and our friend, Doug, sucked me into. I swear, so many shows like this one get canceled WAY before their time. It definitely should have been on the air longer.
• I just finished reading the book, “Charlie St. Cloud.”  Every time I saw the preview it made me cry (most likely for obvious reasons -- my brother), so I had to pick up the book when I saw it at Borders.  It was very predictable -- I figured out early on how it was going to end -- but I enjoyed it and am still looking forward to seeing the film.  I could tell one difference from the book just from the preview, though, so it’ll be interesting to see what else they have changed.
• You all know me well enough to know that I have a massive stack of unread books ready for me, but next up is my friend, Amy Knupp‘s new one, “Playing with Fire.”  If you like romance novels, check it out!  It should be available anywhere Harlequin SuperRomances are available.
• Every few weeks or so, I hear Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” song on the radio and get it stuck in my head….for days.  I finally broke down and bought the CD on Sunday and listened to it today.  I LOVE IT!  In addition to “Hey Soul Sister,” it has a lot of good (I think) songs on it.  Here are two of my favorites:

I adore words, so it hurts me to promote a song recommending that they be used as firewood
and burned, but I really think this song has a great message.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVHuErjO9js

And this one is the first on the CD and when it reached the lines “I’ve been high.
I’ve been low.  I’ve been yes, and I’ve been oh hell no!” I cracked up.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtDN21XFUW0

And the one that started it all:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xzosXEViIg

• I also went through a “Snow Patrol” obsession this week -- it had been a while since I’d listened to their CD.  Here are two of my favorites:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfa9yxCpWoA

• I’ve become somewhat of an addict at taking sunset/sky pictures.  Here are a couple from yesterday (we had a hell of a storm come through)

• All of those pictures were taken with my new HTC EVO phone, which I am still loving.  My only issue with it right now is that it drains the battery incredibly quickly (which I was aware of before I bought it).  I’ve had Sprint for over 10 years, but since getting the EVO, I’m starting to think that Sprint’s coverage is on the sucky side.  It seems that walls in buildings may be a bit more than it can handle sometimes.  On the plus side, I’m getting used to having an all-touch phone.  And I freaking love the “Swype” software.  It’s almost like magic, and the only way it could be improved would be to have arrow keys like the regular keyboard.
• Tomorrow, if I can get myself out of bed, I get to go stand in line to renew my license plate.  By which I say thank the good Lord.  I have a personalized plate, and for the past few years, I’ve been stuck with a freaking buffalo on my plate!  For obvious reasons, I haven’t been too fond of that.  The new one is much prettier:

• Because I’m so close to being 100 pounds down again, I allowed myself to wear the ring I bought myself as a reward when I first hit my 100 pounds gone.  I usually prefer my jewelry and rings on the understated/simple side, but I fell in love with this one.  I love sapphires (which just happen to be my birthstone)

• My goals for this week are to try and get more sleep (HA) and to drink more water -- and to stay on plan, of course.

Well, I think that’s about it for me today.  Hope you all are having a good week!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Various

I just weighed in…..and I LOST 6.5 POUNDS THIS WEEK?!?!?!?!  How the heck does that even happen?  Man, I must have been eating like crap the past few months.  Okay, we all know I really was.

But that means I am now down 96.1 pounds total since I started in June 2006.  I’m at a new low since I recommitted myself (beating the low I saw back in May). And remember that goal I had of breaking out of this weight “decade” by the end of the month?  DONE!!  Smashed that goal.  My progress chart has been updated with the scary numbers.

You all know that I was down 160+ at one point – that’s nothing new – so the 96 is bittersweet.  But I’ve beaten quite a few statistics that said I would gain it all back.

Yes, I’m proud of myself today and am not afraid to say it.  Feeling on top of the world right now.  Love to you all!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Weigh In 7/20/10 – YAY YAY YAY

First, I want to say thank you for your sweet comments on my last few posts. You’ve helped remind me that we’re all in this together! Second, I want to say that I know my past few posts have been on the rather depressing side. Let me assure you that I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, I don’t. Most of the time I don’t even think about the things I posted about – but they’re there, hovering in the background, so I thought I would come out and acknowledge them.

Now, on to much more fun things.  You. Are. Never. Going. To. Believe. It.  I stayed on plan ALL WEEKEND!!!!!  ME!  WHOOHOO!  And after peeking at the scale earlier (I know, I know), I’m really optimistic about my weigh-in tomorrow.  I’m also kind of excited.  Now, hopefully I don’t end up retaining a ton of water or something, ’cause I might cry.  But I haven’t felt like this in a loooooooooong time, you guys.  It’s a good feeling.  I used to look forward to Tuesdays, because it meant that I got to weigh in.  Would love to be in that spot again.

A couple of things I’m doing to help bring back the excitement and commitment:

• While I’m keeping some old favorites and staples around, I’m adding in some new things to try and relieve the boredom.  I even made a grilled chicken stir fry last night – my first time trying to make one and it was actually good!
• While I was grocery shopping, I made a decision that I am not going to buy and/or eat things that I don’t like anymore just because it might be better for me (i.e., yogurt – UGH).  The last time around, I was eating things like yogurt, fat free cheese (can we say DOUBLE UGH), among others.  I’m just going to take the hit on the points with things like the cheese, and try and buy lower fat (like 2%) where and when I can.  I do recommend Cabot’s 75% reduced fat Sharp Cheddar cheese.  OMG delicious!

On Saturday, I went to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art.  It is one of my favorite places here in Kansas City, but I don’t get out there very often.   This time, my trip was spurred by the fact that there was an exhibit of 19th century photographs of Egypt that ended on Sunday.  Since I’ve always been fascinated with ancient Egypt (used to check out stacks of books on the pyramids and archaeology when I was a kid), I didn’t want to miss it.

If you click here you can see some pictures I took on a previous trip to the museum in June of 2008.  In looking at them, it’s funny to see that the same paintings draw my eye every time.  Some of my favorites are Persephone by Thomas Hart Benton (warning nude woman alert) (I also love his work – the colors are so bright and vivid), January Full Moon by George Ault, and John the Baptist by Michelangelo.  But I think my favorite of the paintings has to be Mill at Limetz by Monet (photo doesn’t do the colors justice):

I do think my favorite galleries are the galleries that contain the ancient artifacts (we’re talking hundreds to thousands of centuries BC).  If you remember my freak out over the excitement of seeing the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution on my trip to DC in May, then multiply that excitement by 300 (at least) to imagine what it’s like for me to be standing next to artifacts that old.  It makes me all tingly.    Yes, I am a freak.

But they had a new (to me anyway) exhibit that contained a REAL mummy!! In thinking about it now, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen one in person.

I’m sure he never imagined that this is where his pic would show up (um, especially since they didn’t have photographs back then….)

But the best part of the excursion was that it brought me a bit of peace and thinking time.  Plus a little exercise!  I think I walked around for at least three hours.  And to top it off, it was surprisingly hot in there (nothing like it has been outside, though), so I was sweating up a storm by the time I left (attractive, I know).

Anyway, so how was your weekend?  What have you been up to?

If you’re trying to lose weight, are you feeling excited or ho-hum about it all?  If you’re feeling ho-hum, what do you think it would take to get that excitement back?

PS – I have become a complete Twitter addict. Are you on there? Am I following you?  If not, let me know your username!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Excited Again

My supervisor at work is on vacation as of today, and after many years of working here, my coworkers and I know to expect *it* to hit the fan.  And it kind of did earlier today.  But we got all of the fires put out and the people that were unhappy are now happy and we’re all caught up again.  It’s been really nice to be a bit less busy the past couple of days, because we feel like we’ve been going at about 900 mph for the last several months.

On a positive front, I peeked at the scale today and it looked like I was down a little bit from Tuesday.  I haven’t been completely tracking, but have been trying to pay closer attention to when I’m hungry, etc.  So I’m kind of tracking, but kind of not.  I know that there have been several days over the last week that I was actually under my points, which I know isn’t good, but I’m not going to worry about it -- and I was sick at the end of last week.

I finally got around to making my W.I.D.T.H. pic for Jack Sh*t’s site and sent it in today, so be on the lookout for that (if it makes the cut ).  There are so many reasons that I’m here and doing this, that it was hard to sum it up in just one, but the one I chose is one that I’m going to try to keep in mind from now on when I feel like giving up.

So if you haven’t made your W.I.D.T.H. pic, get to it!  Check out some of the ones that have been done here.  There are several pages of them!  Some make me laugh, and others break my heart.

Well, I’m still hanging in here.  I hope you all are having a fantastic week!  I thought in closing I would share a pic of the glorious Kansas City sunset we had tonight (taken with my new EVO -- not too shabby, eh?):

And because we can never have too many laughs, I found this from one of my favorite shows (I started busting a gut at about 3 minutes in):

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu8NJWOX0L0

PS -- a few days ago, I wrote about my posts that get the most hits from web searches, but somehow I forgot one of the ones that gets almost more than any other:  My Stitches Story (It’s amazing how many people search for variations on “stitches in finger” or “mandolin accident”)

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Enough of the Blahs

I’m feeling somewhat at a loss this evening.  I know I posted that positive, hopeful “Daughter of the Night” post yesterday, and I meant every word when I wrote it.  I still do mean every word.  I’ve had moments of sheer self-confidence and joy in the past several days.  But I also haven’t been this low in a long time.

To be honest, I think part of it is that I’m allowing myself to feel again.  I was shut down for a really long time, not allowing anything to touch me.  Well, the freeze is thawing, the wind is warming, and my heart is pumping again.

So for the past several days, I’ve been this crazy dichotomy of emotions.  On the one hand, feeling strong in my belief that I am freaking amazing but then on the other hand, feeling like well, why isn’t it good enough?  Why isn’t it enough to make me happy?

You all know that I’ve been struggling on the weight front for a long while now – technically since 3rd grade – but things have been really rocky the past year.  Even though I showed a loss on the scale on Saturday, I managed to screw that up so that I showed a 2.6 lb gain at my weigh in yesterday.  Surprisingly, I’m okay with that.  I am still of the belief that what happens on the scale this week doesn’t necessarily portray what has to happen next week.

But I’m really tired of it all.  Tired of the constant worrying about what I’m eating and if I should be eating it and how much I should be eating.  Just. Tired. Of. It.  Tired of feeling like no matter what weight I am or what weight I get to, it still won’t be enough.

And it won’t.  Because my weight shouldn’t define me.  It isn’t all that I am.  But when you spend practically your entire life worrying about your weight, being made fun of because of your weight, and feeling like your weight is the total essence of who you are, it’s hard to believe otherwise.  And I DO believe otherwise.  It’s just that sometimes I forget.

So I’ve been vacillating back and forth between two opposite extremes.  I swear I’m not insane.  Just trying to figure things out.

As I so *modestly* mentioned yesterday, I really like who I am for the most part.  I firmly believe that I’m a compassionate soul.  I truly care about others and wish them the best.  I love that I get really excited about things that I’m passionate about (even if it’s just a stupid TV show).  I love that I can find beauty and appreciation in the little things (even if it’s just a blade of grass).

It’s only when I begin to analyze myself in relation to others that I start to beat myself up.  Not the right weight, not funny enough, not smart enough, try too hard.  I could go on forever.  I posted once before (which I hope you’ll read if you haven’t already) about Brene Brown’s quote: “Comparison is the thief of happiness.”  It’s still just as true today.  Yet I can’t seem to stop doing it.

I know that some of the things I’m not happy with about myself are things I can work on (my weight for example), but from the experience of losing 164 pounds (and gaining half back), I know that that one thing isn’t going to fix everything.  I also know that there are things that I’m just going to have to accept as just being a part of who I am.  I’m never going to be able to change my silliness, and don’t really want to.  I’m never going to be able to change my concern for others and my hatred of hate, and don’t really want to.  I’m never going to be able to stop myself from trying too hard and giving things my all, and don’t really want to.  I just need to stop caring about what others think.

But it’s so much easier said than done.

So that’s me.  At a loss tonight.  Disgusted at how weepy I’m feeling.  But that, too, is a part of me.  One I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a really long time – really since after my brother died.

I’m making changes in my life – what I can – and trying to accept what I can’t change.  I’m allowing the joy back in, and with it, I have to allow the pain.

**Note: if you don’t recognize it, the title of this blog post comes from the song “Monday Came” from the movie “Lbs.”  I’ve been listening to it over and over in the car lately, hoping it will sink in.   And can you believe I haven’t watched “Lbs.” since my trip in May? I must be sick!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

“Face Into the Sun. Embrace Whatever Comes.”