For some of my new readers:

I joined Weight Watchers under their flex plan in 2006.  Under that plan, I lost weight pretty rapidly.

About a year later, they changed the flex plan a bit and I continued to lose weight, though not as quickly.

I still proceeded to lose over 160 pounds and keep it off until about the middle/end of 2009.

I did this entirely using their online e-tools, never having been to a meeting.

I’ve gained a little over half of what I lost back, even though I had a period of time last year in which I was losing again.

Ugh.

But I’m still down a LOT from where I started and I’m very proud of that.

But with so much going on in my life, I’ve gone back to old habits.

Recently, they changed the entire Weight Watchers Points system.  Instead of factoring Calories/Fat/Fiber into what determines a Point, it now considers Fat/Fiber/Protein/Carbs (I believe, don’t quote me on this).  While I think that’s fantastic…those are important things to consider…I’ve really been steadfast against attempting the new plan.

What can I say…I can be pretty stubborn.  Just ask my mom.

For one, I understand the old plan. I can walk into a store, see any nutritional label, and pretty accurately guess how many points it’s going to be worth in my head without a Points calculator.  Not so easy on the new plan.  I’m afraid it’s going to confuse me and I’ll get overwhelmed.  Someone mentioned that they thought the old system might have been a bit too simplified…maybe.  But that’s why I liked it.  If things get too complicated, I tend to check out mentally (a bit like Scarlett O’Hara).

Another reason: I KNOW the old plan works if I actually try.  Hello – 160+ pounds gone.  I’ve heard from a few people who haven’t had such good luck on the new plan.  Though I know there are others who are doing well.

But I’m considering switching…and here’s why.

I obviously need some incentive to get my head back in the game.

A friend of mine is rejoining the meetings starting this Saturday and has invited me to go with her.  Since I’ve never done the meetings, I’m curious to see what it’s like and possibly give it a try to jump start things.

But I have some huge hesitations.  First is the cost.  Right now, because I joined online way back when, I’m only paying $15 a month for the etools service.  My monthly fee will jump to about $40, I believe.  (Either way, I really need to cancel the etools plan now. I can’t use it currently, because I’m doing the old plan so am paying money for nothing…though if I join the meetings and then decide to go back to online only, I’ll have to pay the higher price (whatever it is now)).

Second, I hate the thought of being accountable to someone else.  I like being the only one that I have to answer to.  Plus, on the old plan, I had lots of weeks where I lost more than I should…I know I’d have gotten in trouble at the meetings for that even though I was doing everything right.

I’m afraid that this will turn into something I feel I “have” to do…and that’s the quickest way to get me to put off doing something or get me rebelling. (Not that I’m not already in that attitude…)

Also, am I even ready?  I have always believed that the only way a weight loss program will take is if you’re mentally/physically/emotionally ready.  Last time I was.  Now, I don’t know if I am.  There’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to (and that’s a whole other blog post for another day).  I mean, if I was ready, I’d be doing it now…it’s not like I don’t know how.  Honestly, getting back into it makes me panic a bit, because I remember how obsessed I was with sticking to plan and losing weight.  I actually cried before my first birthday after joining because I wanted to enjoy something special and felt so guilty over it.  Then I indulged, and my body was so not used to eating things like that that I spent a lot of my birthday feeling sick.  I don’t want to end up that way again.  But again, that’s another blog post.

And finally, one of the biggest reasons is I hate the feeling of starting completely over.  I know some people like a fresh start, and so do I to an extent, but not where this is concerned.  Going into a meeting, I start at zero pounds lost again.  Everything I’ve lost and kept off disappears.  It counts to me, of course, and I’ll always know that I’ve lost that weight, but I won’t get any credit for it.  The idea is really discouraging to me.  It really makes me feel like a failure for the weight I’ve regained.  I know that’s absolutely ridiculous thinking and honestly, it doesn’t even make sense to me…

But maybe this is what I need.  It couldn’t hurt to check it out and see (just wish it was a bit cheaper).  I really really hate going into new social situations, and the fact that this one revolves around weight which is such a sensitive sensitive subject for me just makes it that much worse.  Of course, we’re all there for the same reason…but I do much better hiding behind my computer screen.

But I will have a friend there.  And maybe I’ll love it.  I’m leaning towards going and at least checking it out.  I know that this post probably made no sense whatsoever, and there’s a lot of other issues rolling around in my head, but thought I’d share what I’m considering with you all.

I’ll keep you posted.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

I Really Dislike Change

Today is day two.  You would be so proud of me.  Yesterday, I tracked what I ate ALL day long.  And I came in at only a few points over what I’d really wanted to use.  Not bad!  I would say that’s a MAJOR improvement.  Today, I’ve only had one meal so far, but it has been tracked.

I’m even prouder about another choice I made last night.  For the past two days, I’ve had one thought in my head “Chips Ahoy.  I want Chips Ahoy.  I need Chips Ahoy.  I crave Chips Ahoy.”  This craving has even been above and beyond my craving for my seasonal kryptonite of Reese’s Easter Eggs.  <—OMG heaven in earthly form.  But yesterday, I was kind of at the point where I really was starting to need groceries.  I’d planned on going to the grocery store when I got off work, but knew knew that if I did, I would head straight for the cookie aisle.  As I sat at work, I was already starting to justify it to myself.  ”It’s just once more.  It’s no big deal.  I swear, tomorrow, I’ll be perfect.”  Ha.  Yeah.  That’s how I got back to where I am now.  So what did I do?

I went home.  Straight home.  I knew that I had enough groceries to last me another day or two, so I avoided temptation and went home.  And continued to track my points.  Go me.

Speaking of perfection, this is an article that you absolutely should read.  It was brought to my attention by a friend and I was blown away.  I’ve been preaching about the dangers of placing too much emphasis on wanting to be perfect.  Believe me, I know.  I’ve spent my entire life beating myself up because I’m nowhere close to being perfect.  This article just blew me away in its raw, honest look at the dangers of worrying about being perfect.

So here I am, on day two, still tracking and attempting to cut myself some slack on the perfection front.  Rebecca left a great comment on my post yesterday.  In it, she described slipping off plan for a day, but then says this:

I don’t have to try and undo yesterday’s “overindulgence”, I don’t have to even see my actions as “mistakes” because they were simply my behaviors on one single evening in my life, not some flashing warning sign predicting terrible things ahead! 

She’s exactly right.  My past mistakes don’t define who I am.  If I slip today, it won’t define who I am.  If I eat something that probably isn’t the best for me, it doesn’t make me a bad person.  Of course, I’ve known this all along, but am sure we could all use a reminder every once in a while.  I know I can.  It’s time to stop beating myself up and just take each day as it comes.

To lighten the mood, this is one of my favorite songs.  It’s called “Imperfection” and is by a great band called Saving Jane.  ”Don’t mess with imperfection.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ON45TeyyCnQ

And in completely unrelated news, I bought a Katy Perry CD the other day and have been listening to it quite a bit.  While Firework is still my favorite song of hers (I posted the video on here a while back), I’ve become completely addicted to this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxQU7fRg8xA

So for today, let’s not beat ourselves up about our imperfections.  Let’s celebrate the fact that they make us who we are.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Don’t Mess With Imperfection

I’m having a really good day today.  I’ve been lucky enough to have a few of those lately thanks to some pretty good friends.  But unfortunately, I’ve been in a major funk that I just can’t seem to pull myself out of.  I don’t think I’ve been this depressed since my brother died.  I don’t know what’s causing it.  There’s not really anything in my life that I can pinpoint as being a cause.  In fact, there are some things going on in my life that make me really happy.  I do know that it’s not helping that this Saturday is the 8th anniversary of my brother’s death.  Then, a week later, is his birthday.  He’d have been 30 this year.  But I’m sure there will be more blog posts about that later.

And unfortunately, you can imagine that through my huge roller coaster of emotion, I’ve been eating to deal.  I’ve talked so many times on here about how it truly can be an addiction.  And frankly, it’s one that I haven’t had the emotional wherewithal to fight lately.  Correspondingly, my weight has gone up and up…  And it’s not that I’m even eating an abnormally large amount…I’m just eating whatever I want (a/k/a the truly yummy stuff).

But I can’t do it anymore.  The food makes me feel good and happy when I’m eating it.  But then reality sinks in (and all the consequences of eating whatever I want – you know what they are) and I realize what I’m really doing to myself.  And I vow to stop.  But then…oh it just sounds so good…and I give in again.  If only you could stop eating completely like you can stop drinking alcohol.  You all know what I’m talking about.  What I’m going through.

I’ve said this before, but I think sometimes the knowledge that I can do this, that I can lose the weight almost makes it worse.  Harder.  Because I know how far I’ve fallen (risen?).  <SIGH>  I know it’s a lifelong struggle.  I know this is something I’m going to have deal with the rest of my life.  My cross to bear.  I know I can do it.  I just have to want to.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I don’t.

And remembering all of those beautiful things I post about – how we’re all beautiful and smart and wonderful at any weight and will continue to be if we never lose another pound – is hard.  I’ve really really been beating myself up inside on a daily basis.  Looking in any mirror, whether just a hand-held one that shows my face or a full length one, is agony at times.  I’m not happy with the way my body looks of course, but I see so much sadness in my eyes at times, too.

But. I. Can’t. Seem. To. Stop.

I hate having to ask for help.  I’ve always had problems with it.  Especially for things that really matter to me or that I’m emotionally invested in.  But I need to.  The sad thing is that there really isn’t any help anyone can give.  You guys are wonderful and I know you’re there for me.  And other than that, I know there really isn’t much you can do.

I am definitely NOT one of those people that needs a swift kick in the rear.  I don’t need a dose of reality or tough love.  I don’t need the food police.  I don’t respond well to those.  More than likely, I would just curl up and cry…and then head for the fridge.

I am an adult with a 164-pound weight loss history under my belt.  I KNOW what I need to be doing and don’t need to be told.  I know that this is only a battle I can fight for myself.  Only I can make the right decisions.  I just need to make them.

So maybe I just need a verbal hug.  Someone to say that I’m strong and can do this.  I don’t know what I’m asking.  I guess I’m just venting.

And I’m going to try.  I’m going to try to be good to myself in all senses of the word.  I feel kind of like I’m in an abusive relationship with myself right now.  Physically and verbally. <insert wry smile here>

And it needs to stop.  Because I deserve better than that.  Am worth more than that.

So please stick with me.  Don’t give up on me.  I’m trying not to give up on myself.  I’ll get there…again.  But even if I don’t…if I never do…I still need to find some peace with who I am.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Help/No Help

I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions.  I’ve always considered them to be fairly ridiculous and pointless. I mean, how many people actually stick to them?  The couple of times I’ve tried in my life, I certainly never did.  And if it isn’t something that means enough to me to try at any other point in the year, why would starting on a random date of January 1 make me stick to it?

I’m not going to be one of those new year’s resolution weight loss people.  Frankly, I would annoy myself if I decided that was going to be my resolution, mostly for the reason listed above.  Plus, it’s just cliché.    But if making a weight loss resolution is the perfect thing to get your journey jump-started, you know that I’ll be the first one cheering you on!

And Yes, I do plan on trekking back down the scale this year.  Yes, I do plan on getting myself to the point where that is a priority again.  Yes, I want to.  But there’s something far more important and immediate to me that I need to focus on.

Myself.

Respecting myself.

Appreciating myself.

Loving myself.

Weight loss means nothing without these things.

The NOH8 Campaign posted a great quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. on Facebook the other day.  It read:

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

This quote hit me hard.  I have a lot of love in my heart and try to share as much of it as I can.  I often think I was put here on earth to love and give love.  But I have also been harboring a lot of hate in my heart, and most of it has been directed towards myself.  That’s a horrible way to live.  And life is just too damn short.

Already, I’m slowly becoming more comfortable in my skin and slowly trying to learn to focus on the positive aspects of myself, the things I like about myself.  My kindness and compassion, my excitement over the little things, my smile.  Just to name a couple.  Along with these, I’m working to make peace with the aspects of myself that I’m not so crazy about, especially those that are beyond my current control.

This is my resolution.  This is what I’m going to focus on.  Not weight loss, not becoming less impatient, not quitting any of the other bad habits I have that do need attention, but this.  This is the most important thing.  Because without respect and appreciation for what and who I am, I have nothing and everything else means nothing.

I threw the word appreciate into YouTube and this is what I came up with – I think it’s appropriate. (Warning, unless you’re a big Nick Jonas fan (which I am not), I recommend closing your eyes and listening to the words. )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GtOjjHO2qI

Happy New Year from me!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Respect, Appreciate, Love

I’ve written about these topics so many times in the past, so just take it as probable fact that everything I’m going to say today I’ve said at one point in the past – such as: I do believe that food and eating can be an addiction.  I do believe that I have that addiction.

There are times when I feel like my body has been possessed by the “feed me monster” or a spirit that is extremely ravenous who once has partaken of its fill, escapes my body and leaves me to deal with the repercussions.  The weight, the guilt, the disgust.

I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster the past few months – and I’m sure that my blog posts have shown that.  My friends probably think I’m totally bonkers, but I promise I’m not.  Have just really been having a lot of fun while at the same time trying to work out a lot of things in my head.  So while there have been some real highs, there have also been some real lows.  But, in essence, that’s all a part of life.  I’m just trying to figure out how to balance them a bit better.  Will let you know when I do.

There was a point in time when I was almost completely on plan for over a year in a half.  I lost 164 pounds.  I remember thinking at the time how easy it was.  I remember being frustrated with people who were struggling (though I still sympathized) and remember thinking “what is so hard?  You just do it.”  Payback is a bitch.  While that’s true – you do just do it – sometimes it’s not that easy.  I mean, I didn’t do it for 29 years before I joined Weight Watchers.  I haven’t done it more than half-assed in the past year and a half.  I just don’t know what my problem is.  I know that I can do it – I’ve proven that time and time again.  So what makes me keep “falling off the wagon”?  Is it emotional eating?  Is it boredom?  Is it just not caring?  Is it the addiction?  Is it being lazy?  Is it hatred of or anger with myself?  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  But something keeps pulling me back.  Somewhere during the struggle, food becomes more important than all of the benefits of weight loss and all of the moments when I felt so good about myself because of it and I slip and slide back into that spiral.

I was completely back on plan yesterday – counted points in my Weight Watchers tracker and everything.  Then, I blew it again with dinner last night.  I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall.

As I’ve said so many times before, I can and will do this.  I know I can and will…again.  I do know that it is fully my responsibility and there is no one else I can blame for my own choices and actions.  I just really need to figure out what is going on with me or it will never stick. Please keep your fingers or toes crossed for me. Also accepted are prayers, magical incantations, happy dances, star signs, good luck charms, or whatever it is that you believe in.

I want to be back where I was a year and a half ago so badly it brings tears to my eyes and I can taste it.  Unfortunately, I just can’t keep myself from tasting everything else.

PS – on two more positive notes: is anyone excited about Biggest Loser starting up again tonight?  Hopefully it’s a good season.  And second, I found out yesterday that two of my best friends from college are moving here to Kansas City!  They’re the gypsy ones that I’ve visited everywhere from New York City (they’re the ones that were with me when I found out my brother had been killed)  to California (last year’s trip). I talk about both of them and my friendship with them here: Riley LaShea. Best part? Their estimated move-in date is October 2nd! That’s not even two weeks away! I haven’t seen them since my CA trip! Pretty excited – just hope they don’t end up hating it here!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Hopeless?

Weight-wise, I’ve been eating everything in sight.  It’s not attractive, and I’m pretty disgusted with myself.  It may seem counterproductive for this blog, but I really don’t want to discuss how much I’ve gained in the past two weeks.  It sucks.

I’ve really been struggling with a lot of issues in my life.  I’ve never been formally diagnosed, but I believe I’ve struggled with depression through a great portion of my life – especially high school and college.  You all know that I love books, but there were moments when I think that just being able to escape inside my nearest Borders saved me from going insane.

When my brother died, my life fell into a tailspin.  I hit rock bottom.  That rock bottom physically manifested itself in a 60 pound gain, but emotionally, I completely lost myself.  So many emotions overcome you when you lose a sibling that you both loved beyond reason and hated beyond belief at times.  I would remember moments when we would talk all night or when he would offer to beat up someone that was being mean to me (not seriously, of course, because he was a good guy).  But I would also remember the moments when I really did feel I hated him.  He was my little brother.  Of course there were those moments.  In fact, we had an argument just a couple of weeks before he died when I told him to go to hell, after which he responded likewise.  I regret those moments, but know deep down we loved each other and would have done anything for each other.

In my efforts to cope and to be there for my parents, I eventually completely shut down inside.  Deep emotion became something that I didn’t allow myself.  I shut myself down emotionally, physically, and socially.  I withdrew from the world.  My work hours, working the evening shift, only helped facilitate my disappearance.  It became a handy excuse.  “No, I’m sorry, I can’t.  I have to work.”  Easy peasy.  No pressure, no other excuse needed.  No need to explain that my social anxiety has reached new heights, I’m afraid to be me, I’m sad that I get to keep living and my brother doesn’t.  I’ve already had more years than he got.

For seven long years, I essentially became a hermit.  My own company was all I needed.  I spent time with my parents, occasionally my other family or my closest friends, and that was about it.  And conveniently, most of my closest friends live out of town.  I don’t know if I was punishing myself for living when he didn’t or if it was the only way that I could keep myself from feeling anything.  Perhaps I was so overwhelmed by the emotions that his death brought, that having to deal with the social anxieties that I’ve always had was just too much for me.  Whatever the reason, I made Tom Hanks’ character in “Castaway” look like a social butterfly.

I’ve written so much lately about how I’ve been trying to break out of that shell, those restraints that I’ve placed myself in.  I’ve done much more socially in the past three months than I have in the past many, many years combined.  That’s embarrassing to admit.  But I’m also happy about it.  I’m having fun.  I’m enjoying myself again.  But along with reentering the world, I’m also reintroducing emotion into my life.  And deep emotion was always a huge part of my life before my brother died.  Ironically, I used to feel that life wasn’t worth living without it.  And then Glenn died and those beliefs got lost.  And knowing what a deeply deeply passionate woman I am, it breaks my heart.

Unfortunately, as we all know, you can’t accept good emotions into your life without also accepting the bad ones.  All of my self-doubt and self-esteem issues have flooded back in along with the fun and merriment and joy.  Physically, I’m as disgusted with myself as I ever was, though I’m 30 pounds lighter than I was in college.  Emotionally, I wonder about being a woman that cares so much about what other people think.  Though I do have my moments where I don’t give a shit – it’s kind of a cycle.

And that’s where my comment the other day about wishing I could be that little dancing girl again came from.  I’ve been extremely self conscious ever since birth practically.  I can remember specific moments of shyness from my childhood.  But as seen by the picture I posted the other day, there were obviously moments of selfless thought, moments of pure freedom when I was blissfully unaware of my faults and felt free to….well, dance.  Regardless of whether I sucked or not.

The me of today is overcome with self-doubt, self-consciousness, and fear of what others think.  I have such a deep fear of embarrassment and I don’t know where it came from.  I don’t know if it originated from before I became overweight, or if it is a product of all that I’ve been through because of my weight.  I may never know.

I’m desperately trying to make strides towards acceptance of who I am, regardless of what weight I’m at.  I know that physically there are some things I can work on and other things that I’m just going to have to, somehow, somehow, accept.  Emotionally, I know that there are things that I really love about myself and things that I’m going to have to somehow, somehow, overcome. And I’m willing to do so.  I’m trying to do so.  Desperately am trying to do so.

My 33rd birthday is this coming Wednesday.  For some reason, it seems a great deal more important to me than my 30th.  I’m not sure why.  I don’t know if it’s the symmetry of the double 3′s or if it’s just realizing that I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be in my life by this age.

I also know that I always have a rough time around my birthday – not only because my birthdays for the last many years have rather sucked (something always seems to go wrong to ruin the actual day) – but also because it’s just one more reminder that I’ve had one more year that my brother hasn’t.

And I know I’ve written about this quite a bit over the past few weeks, but while it may not seem like much to a lot of people, I really am proud of the strides that I’ve taken this year.  I’m prouder of this year than of any year I’ve spent since my brother died, even the ones in which I was at my lowest weight. I’ve overcome some pretty serious hurdles that I’ve put off for years and years.  I faced down a phobia (which is my proudest moment of the year), and even dealt a major blow to some of the fears I had that I wrote about in my post regarding “why I regained 80+ pounds.” I hope you will take the time to click the link and read it if you haven’t already, as it explains a lot of what I’ve felt.

I know I have things I need to overcome.  I know that there are walls that I need to bust through.  I know that there are aspects of myself that I need to accept, or even cherish, regardless of whether anyone else can.  But deep down, deep deep down, I know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.  Deep down, I’m a fighter.  And I’m going to win this battle.  Not just with the food that I seem to hold so dear, but also with myself.  I will win the battle and I will allow myself to shine.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Fighting

In fact, again contrary to my post of Tuesday, my mood over the past couple of days can only be described as foul.  I’ve done my best to keep it from affecting other people, and most of my attitude (except for when directed towards stupid people – and then only internally) has been directed back towards myself.

It’s not so much that I’ve been having a pity party.  It’s been more like an anger/disappointment party.  And it led me to eat way too much last night.  And while I don’t feel guilty exactly (yes, there was pizza involved and yes I did feel a twinge of guilt, but not too much because I haven’t had it in what feels like forever), I feel more disappointed in myself than anything.  I will definitely be expecting a gain this week unless I can do some major damage control this weekend.

I think the phrase “disappointed in myself” is pretty much the way to sum up the past couple of days.  More likely than not, it’s just fueled by those pesky female hormones, but it seems like every self-doubt, every bad choice, every thing that makes me different (and not in the unique quirky way), and every thing that I dislike about myself has reared its head in a blaze of self-doubt, uncertainty, and disgust the past couple of days.

To top it off, I’m feeling about as attractive as this guy:

(Sorry, Rodney. I know I need to show us both more respect.)

It will pass.  I know it will.  My sparkly personality and “I love the world” attitude will return at some point (and then I will most likely get annoyed with the fact that I was feeling like this).

But with authenticity comes admission that not every day is beautiful and even I can be a moody bitch from time to time (though I try not to take it out on others as that is one of my biggest pet peeves).

So, I hope that you all are doing better than I am this week!  Anyone know a good joke?

PS – I hate running into people I respect who haven’t seen me since I’ve regained most of my weight…argh.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Foul!

For the past many, many years, I remembered a friend of mine once said something along the lines of “women are at their best in their 30s.”  I’ve always held that in the back of my mind, and when I turned 30, I decided that that was going to be the case for me.  I was going to do my best to make them the best freaking years of my life.

I’ve mentioned many times that I’ve been shut down for a very long time – mentally (not allowing myself to feel much of anything), socially (keeping mostly to myself), etc.  I’ve been talking for a while now about wanting to live a bolder life and about wanting to really try to finally accept who I am.

I’ve been making baby steps for the past few years – mostly since joining Weight Watchers.  One teeny tiny little step at a time. Well, folks, I think my 32nd year (I turn 33 next month) has been my year of “The Great Awakening.”  I have made so many incredible strides in this one year that I am sincerely proud of myself.

For the first time in a really long time, I’m so optimistic for my future – whatever it may have in store.

Mentally:  I have almost completely accepted who I am.  I’ve learned to embrace my geeky side and all of the different parts of me that make up the whole.  I’ve reached that part of my life where I’m starting to believe the line from “Monday Came,” the song from “Lbs. the Movie.”

I stand before you.  Take me as I am.

I’ve given lip-service to that idea on my blog for a long time now, but finally, finally, finally, I am starting to believe those words.  That people should accept me as I am or…it’s their problem and loss, not mine.  Because who wants people in their life that doesn’t accept them for who they are?  The only areas where I still have issues are with trying not to make a fool of myself (not easy considering what a klutz I am and how socially awkward/nervous I get) and I’m still self-conscious about my body a lot of the time.  But even there, I’m making remarkable strides in accepting what I’ve got.  I think I walk now with almost as much confidence as I did at my lowest weight.  So watch out world when I get back down there!

Socially:  Over the past couple of months, I’ve not only reconnected with old friends that I had allowed to drift away sometime during my self-imposed exile, I’ve also developed a new group of friends.  And they totally rock by the way!  (I have to thank Christy for welcoming me into her circle. ) Most of them, I’ve only actually met a couple of times in person, but I feel like I’ve known them for years and feel very comfortable around them.  As a matter of fact, I honestly think that I’ve done more socially in the past couple of months than I have in the past several years.  Sad, but true.  Why should I hide all of the awesomeness that is me from the world? (That was said with the cheekiest of grins of course )  PS – Have I mentioned that I’m hoping to get to meet one of my Weight Watchers heroes, Sara from Sara Gets Skinny, next month?  She’s planning a trip into my neck of the woods.  I’ve admired her and her writing from almost the moment I joined Weight Watchers online and saw her post on the message boards.

Physically:  As I mentioned above, I still have issues where my body is concerned, though I’m slowly trying to accept them, as well.  Do you realize that I haven’t actually tracked my food in well over a month?  Sure, I’ve had a week with a gain, then a week with a loss, then a week with a gain, etc.  But I’m still down overall.  The losses are overthrowing the gains that I’m showing.  That is simply stunning to me!  I’m eating when I want to eat and when I feel the need to eat and I’m losing weight!  What the heck?  I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I feel so much more fulfilled in other areas of my life and so much more filled with self-acceptance.  I don’t need to fill myself with food anymore.  Of course, this could all be big talk and I could go back to binging next week.  Who knows?  But even if that is the case, then I know that I can beat it again.

Project Bold: This year is my year.  I’ve been talking for a while on here about wanting to live more of a bold life.  Sure, I changed the colors on my theme, but it’s so much more than that.  I helped promote a movie on my website solely because I loved it (the only thing I got in return was a screener copy of the film).  I had the courage to call back a movie producer when I hate talking on the phone to even my closest friends.  I flew to Washington DC to visit a city that I’d always wanted to see on a couple of weeks’ notice.  While there, I had the courage to meet and talk to the people that created and starred in that film.  I had the courage to reach out to an author that I truly believe in, and go up to her and introduce myself and tell her how much I admire her.  The me of a few years ago would never have been able to do that.  Let alone get a group of people together to go with me and for drinks after.  Sure, I was nervous, but I did it.  I’m finding myself speaking my mind more often and taking chances that I never would have taken before.  And Project Phobia?  Knocked that one out of the park.  I took one of my biggest fears that has plagued me for years upon years – one that was based on a bad experience I once had and that has haunted me – and forced my way through it.  Sure, every time I run into that situation, I’m still probably going to freak a bit.  But I at least know that I will survive, that I can do it, and that I won’t (most likely) need to be rushed to the hospital as a cardiac patient.  There are other areas of my life that I’m trying to be a bit bolder about, too, but these are just a few examples.

Of course, there are parts of me that I won’t ever allow to change.  I will always believe that there is no moment in which kindness is not an option.  I will always have tremendous amounts of love to give to family and friends, and sometimes even those who don’t deserve it.  I will always be a bit silly at times.  I will always be a bit of a child at heart (think I’m more of a child now than I was when I was a kid-though I always have and always will love coloring ).

There are also parts of me that will never change – I’m sure – no matter how much I want them to.  I will always be a bit shy.  I will always be a bit self-conscious.  But I can try and fight my way through those.

I’ve had a few moments lately where I do something or say something and immediately think “who the hell was that?!”  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m enjoying this version of me.  I don’t know where the hell she came from, but I’m pretty damn proud of her and can’t wait to see what’s in store for her next!  As I said earlier, I’m excited about my future for the first time in a long time.

Nah. But I’m getting there.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

The Great Awakening

And I feel like I complete idiot.  This is so humiliating.

I’ve planned for step 2 to take place tomorrow (Tuesday) morning sometime.  Yes, I actually plan on being out of bed.  Lord help me not chicken out.  I keep cycling through phases of – this is no. big. deal.  Just do it. – and – OMG I CAN’T DO THIS!  Guess which one I’m feeling right now?

Deep breaths.  Deep breaths.  I promise you guys I’m not a psycho.  You know me.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Freaking Out-Project Phobia

I should know.  I’ve had one for more than 20 years.  For those 20 years it has plagued me….shadowing my every footstep.  Luckily, it was one that I didn’t come into contact with on a day-to-day basis, but when it did or when I started thinking about having to face it, then well, I would pretty much shut down.  If I didn’t, I’d end up in a fetal position crying for my mommy.

No, I’m not going to name it here.  And no it’s not spiders (oh how I wish it were).

But I am naming the fear.  The pure unadulterated terror that fills my heart and mind and soul at the prospect of facing it.

But face it I must.  I’m 32 years old.  It’s time.  I’ve given too much of my life over to this fear.  I refuse to give the next 32 years over to it as well.  <—-brave talk right there

I’ve been talking lately about trying to be more bold.  I’ve taken a few steps -done a few things that I normally wouldn’t have – but I don’t think that I will fully be able to fulfill who I was meant to be until I have this phobia behind me.  And perhaps it will never be totally behind me, but hopefully I can get it to an acceptable, rational, level.  As I said yesterday, I’m done hiding from my fears. <—more brave talk (of the fake it ’til I make it variety)

Unfortunately, what I’m calling “Project Phobia” has multiple steps.  I took the first one today.  Yes, I’m ashamed to admit I broke down into tears several times during the process.  But you know what?  I did it.  I DID take the first step.  I’m proud of myself for that.

Step number two will come early next week.  Please send good thoughts my way.  I could use them.  Especially since the last time I attempted to face this fear, I nearly hyperventilated.  But the reason I didn’t face it down back then wasn’t my fault (truly), so hopefully I’ll be able to conquer it this time.

The thing about phobias is that they are irrational.  I feel completely stupid that this is such a struggle for me and I think that almost makes the whole thing worse.  I feel utterly ridiculous.

Now excuse me while I go cry for my mommy.   No really.  I think I just need to hunt down a drink after work tonight.   Ha. You think I’m kidding!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Project Phobia Step 1