In the weight loss blogging world, there is a lot of talk about the scale.  For fairly obvious reasons.  For one, it’s a way to track our progress when it can’t be seen (i.e., clothes aren’t fitting differently yet, etc.).  For another, our doctors place quite a bit emphasis on it.  For another, so do we sometimes.

Many of us adhere to the belief that the actual number on the scale doesn’t matter as much as how we feel and how we live and the choices we make.  I’ve been one of them.  I’ve written numerous blog posts about it over the past couple of years.  But I don’t think I ever really took that to heart for myself.

As you all know, I’ve been struggling hard for the past year.  For the past several months, I’ve been working on trying to get myself back into that “zone” where I was losing consistently.  Several of the more recent weeks were weeks in which I would get my week started off on the right foot, but by the end of the week, I was floundering in a sea of ice cream and pizza (and most likely chunky Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, because they’re simply heaven on earth).

I know that part of it was that I was becoming discouraged.  Discouraged with myself and with weight loss in general.  I also had this deep fear that my luck had run out.  That no matter what I did or didn’t do, my weight would never go back down.  You see, that’s why I never really tried a major weight loss attempt until I started WW in 2006.  I didn’t think I could do it.  I proved myself wrong, obviously, but I was afraid that the magic was gone.  I was worried that no matter how hard I tried, I would either stay the same or keep gaining.  So, subconsciously, I made that happen.

What would happen is that in the middle of the week, I would peek at the scale.  I would see that I was up a couple of pounds from weigh in on Tuesday and get discouraged.  I would think “seriously, what’s the point if I’m just going to gain?”  Then proceed to eat all of the yummy goodness that my tummy could take.  Well, you know how that would turn out.  Every once in a while, I’d have a good week, but then would just screw it up again.

I’ve been back on plan now for, well, I really haven’t been paying attention.  Well over a week at least.  But I realized something.  Showing a gain in the middle of the week isn’t odd for me.  All through the process of losing 160+ pounds, I showed a gain in the middle of the week.  Sometimes those gains would stick around until the following weigh in.  Most of the time, they were gone and instead I had a healthy loss at my next weigh in.  But I apparently forgot.  I let my fear get in the way.  Maybe I was just looking for an excuse.

This week, I weighed in as usual on Tuesday showing a huge loss.  There was a big part of me that was afraid it was a fluke, a glitch in the scale.  I peeked at the scale Wednesday and was up almost 2 pounds.  Part of me was thinking, okay it was a fluke.  The loss was wrong.  But I decided to wait and see.  I peeked again yesterday.  Was up even more.  Started to get a bit worried, but this time, unlike the last several times, something changed in me.  I knew that I hadn’t done anything wrong.  I knew that I was making the right choices.  And this time, I wasn’t going to let the number on the scale derail me from continuing to make the right choices that would help me reach my goal (and by goal, I don’t mean goal weight).  Sure enough, when I peeked at the scale today, I was down .1 from Tuesday.  Not much of a loss, but it’s a loss and if I can make it through the weekend, then who knows what next week may have in store.

The point is that the number on the scale doesn’t matter as much as confidence in yourself and the willingness to never give up.  I’m not going to say don’t weigh yourself.  Because frankly, I don’t plan on stopping.  Sometimes when I don’t physically feel any different, it helps to see that number go down, even if it’s only a tenth of a pound.  In fact, I’m down over 20 pounds from when I recommitted myself, but I barely feel it all.

A new friend reminded me today that “a number is no measure of a person -- their personality, their sex appeal, what they offer. It’s all subjective.”  It’s a great reminder for all of us, but I will have to admit to being somewhat of a hypocrite.  While I’ve always firmly believed that that was true -  it was only true so far as it referred to someone else.  Where I was concerned, however, I’ve always been worried that the added weight was all they could see.  I’ve written often over the past several months about some of my experiences, especially as a kid, that helped germinate this idea.  But I’m finally beginning to look beyond the number on the scale when thinking about myself.  I’m starting to apply that idea and belief system to myself and it’s a wonderful thing. Of course, I’ll always be a work in progress.

I wrote in one of my posts the other day about a song by the group “Train” called “Words.”  I’ve been listening to it a lot lately.  All of the words that have been said to me that have hurt me, I’m using as “firewood.”  And all of the times I looked at the scale and didn’t like what it said, I’m using it as “firewood” to fuel my determination.  Not necessarily my determination to keep losing weight (though that is, of course, a part of it), but also my determination in showing the world a confident and happy Pamela.

Christy (a/k/a Angelchrys) in her infinite ability to find new things for me to love, introduced me to this short film, “Validation,” starring the “Bones” actor, TJ Thyne.  It’s about 16 minutes long, but I loved it and think it has a good message.  But while we can all use a little validation in our lives from others, the most important validation comes from ourselves.  Not from someone else.  Not from the scale.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Don’t Let the Scale Derail You

First, I want to say thank you for your sweet comments on my last few posts. You’ve helped remind me that we’re all in this together! Second, I want to say that I know my past few posts have been on the rather depressing side. Let me assure you that I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, I don’t. Most of the time I don’t even think about the things I posted about – but they’re there, hovering in the background, so I thought I would come out and acknowledge them.

Now, on to much more fun things.  You. Are. Never. Going. To. Believe. It.  I stayed on plan ALL WEEKEND!!!!!  ME!  WHOOHOO!  And after peeking at the scale earlier (I know, I know), I’m really optimistic about my weigh-in tomorrow.  I’m also kind of excited.  Now, hopefully I don’t end up retaining a ton of water or something, ’cause I might cry.  But I haven’t felt like this in a loooooooooong time, you guys.  It’s a good feeling.  I used to look forward to Tuesdays, because it meant that I got to weigh in.  Would love to be in that spot again.

A couple of things I’m doing to help bring back the excitement and commitment:

• While I’m keeping some old favorites and staples around, I’m adding in some new things to try and relieve the boredom.  I even made a grilled chicken stir fry last night – my first time trying to make one and it was actually good!
• While I was grocery shopping, I made a decision that I am not going to buy and/or eat things that I don’t like anymore just because it might be better for me (i.e., yogurt – UGH).  The last time around, I was eating things like yogurt, fat free cheese (can we say DOUBLE UGH), among others.  I’m just going to take the hit on the points with things like the cheese, and try and buy lower fat (like 2%) where and when I can.  I do recommend Cabot’s 75% reduced fat Sharp Cheddar cheese.  OMG delicious!

On Saturday, I went to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art.  It is one of my favorite places here in Kansas City, but I don’t get out there very often.   This time, my trip was spurred by the fact that there was an exhibit of 19th century photographs of Egypt that ended on Sunday.  Since I’ve always been fascinated with ancient Egypt (used to check out stacks of books on the pyramids and archaeology when I was a kid), I didn’t want to miss it.

If you click here you can see some pictures I took on a previous trip to the museum in June of 2008.  In looking at them, it’s funny to see that the same paintings draw my eye every time.  Some of my favorites are Persephone by Thomas Hart Benton (warning nude woman alert) (I also love his work – the colors are so bright and vivid), January Full Moon by George Ault, and John the Baptist by Michelangelo.  But I think my favorite of the paintings has to be Mill at Limetz by Monet (photo doesn’t do the colors justice):

I do think my favorite galleries are the galleries that contain the ancient artifacts (we’re talking hundreds to thousands of centuries BC).  If you remember my freak out over the excitement of seeing the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution on my trip to DC in May, then multiply that excitement by 300 (at least) to imagine what it’s like for me to be standing next to artifacts that old.  It makes me all tingly.    Yes, I am a freak.

But they had a new (to me anyway) exhibit that contained a REAL mummy!! In thinking about it now, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen one in person.

I’m sure he never imagined that this is where his pic would show up (um, especially since they didn’t have photographs back then….)

But the best part of the excursion was that it brought me a bit of peace and thinking time.  Plus a little exercise!  I think I walked around for at least three hours.  And to top it off, it was surprisingly hot in there (nothing like it has been outside, though), so I was sweating up a storm by the time I left (attractive, I know).

Anyway, so how was your weekend?  What have you been up to?

If you’re trying to lose weight, are you feeling excited or ho-hum about it all?  If you’re feeling ho-hum, what do you think it would take to get that excitement back?

PS – I have become a complete Twitter addict. Are you on there? Am I following you?  If not, let me know your username!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Excited Again

There are moments when I actually get excited about what I’m going to eat next. I’ve mentioned before about how I feel I get cravings that have to be similar to the cravings a drug addict must experience.  I also get excited when I know that a delicious meal is coming up.

And I get resentful at the thought that I can’t eat what I want.  Sometimes it is almost like I’m worried that tomorrow will be my last day on earth, and by god, if I don’t eat what I want now, than I may never be able to again. And oh my god how awful that would be.

A big part of my problem and why I’ve been struggling so much lately is because I, like a three year old throwing an internal temper tantrum, have been filled with resentment. “It’s not fair” that I can’t go out with family and friends without worrying about what I’m going to eat. “It’s not fair” that I can’t eat whatever I want when I want to. I’m an adult. I should be able to eat what I want when I want.

But unfortunately, being an adult comes with the obligation of learning to make the right decisions.  Blah.

And somewhere along the line, in my twisted mind, I got the terms “eating whatever I want” mixed up with “living” (and “happiness”).

I was making dinner the other night and was thinking about wanting to go out to eat this weekend (and before I get into this, I will state that I know that going out to eat isn’t my only option to spend time with friends and family – it’s just the one that makes me resentful).  But then I started thinking about how I really wanted to get back on plan and how it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t just pick up and go out like some people can without a second thought. It felt like, because I was having to limit myself on what I could eat when I went out, then I was depriving myself of a life experience.  But then, I realized, seriously, how screwed up is that?

Food is life (in the essence that it keeps us alive), but its not life.  And it’s not a life.  No matter what my internal system and crazy brain seem to think.  How many experiences and opportunities have I cheated myself out of, because of food or my weight? How many real life moments have I missed and may never get back because of food or my weight?

I know that, ironically, when I was completely on plan, I was completely consumed by food: what I was eating, when I was eating, and when and what I was going to be eating next. When I would go out to eat, I would agonize over what to order. I would agonize over the mere idea of going out. My first birthday on Weight Watchers was hell.  I struggled all day with whether to treat myself, and then after being on plan for three months, my body threw a huge rebellion after I did so.  Hey, when you look at it that way, I should just eat whatever I want whenever I want, right?  And forget the agony? 

But really, if you look at the overall effect of my weight loss, I became more and more active the more weight I lost. And when I hit my lowest weight at 164 pounds gone,  I began to feel like I was really beginning to live. I was starting to lose some of the fear that was keeping me from living.  Unfortunately, it didn’t solve all of the problems that were holding me back (and actually created a few new ones), but it was a start. The biggest issue of which is that it is much easier to go out and experience life when you’re not afraid to be seen in it.

I refuse to let food continue to be the most important thing in my life. I refuse to keep choosing death over life. Because that is exactly what I’ve been doing. Killing myself slowly. I’m worth more than that. We all are.

I’ve been tracking my points for two days now. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things.  I’ve gone longer in the past few months.  But it’s a start.  Today is Saturday. I’ve been off of work for five hours now, and by this time, I’ve usually screwed the whole day up points-wise (sometimes having eaten my entire day’s worth of points by this point – yes, ’tis possible).  Not so today.  Today, I had “breakfast” when I got home, and counted every point, which ended up being a reasonable amount and gives me plenty to get through the rest of the day.

I’m going to take this one day at a time and keep making that daily choice about what is most important to me and what constitutes living.  And some days it might just be the freaking ice cream. I’m going to try and fight these damn cravings and *needs*. I might fall again. Oh, hell, I most likely will, but I’m not going to give up on my weight, myself, or my life.  Not again.  Not ever again.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

The Importance of Food

I know I mentioned yesterday that my weekend involved Domino’s pizza and Krispy Kreme donuts (yes plural).  It also involved my mom’s yummy sausage/egg breakfast casserole, among other delicious items.  So it’s all even more baffling to me.  But I’ll take it. 

Work has been a fair nightmare lately.  Mostly just because we have been insanely busy.  To top it off, we’re pretty short-handed this week due to vacations.  So the next few days are going to be pretty crazy.

I finally got all caught up on the show, “Supernatural” (well, through season 4), and a couple of new friends (one of whom is the one who got me hooked on Supernatural) have got me hooked on the show “Firefly.”  So I’m now working my way through it.  I’m only three or four episodes into it, but I’m really liking it so far.  It’s got some great lines in it that are pretty funny.

I’ve also gotten my dad sucked into one of my favorite shows, “Angel.”  I’m so excited about that.  Don’t think “Buffy” is going to happen, though.   So I’ve been watching that with him a lot lately, which has delayed my Firefly-watching.

On the book front, my unread books just keep piling up.  Mostly because I keep getting new ones.

I read “Bridge to Terabithia” and really enjoyed it overall.  However, there were several comments and scenes making fun of overweight people that really annoyed the hell out of me. The book I’ve most recently started is Ray Bradbury’s “The Martian Chronicles.” Talk about a messed up book. Interesting so far, though.

On Monday, I went to Borders to pick up a couple of books in the Supernatural series (based on the TV show), and of course a couple of others happened to catch my eye.  A friend got me sucked into a young adult series about a girl spy academy a while back and the latest one came out recently.  It is “Only the Good Spy Young” by Ally Carter. I, of course, had to snatch it up.

Oh, earlier that morning, I had gone to see “Eclipse.”  I know, I know.  I personally thought it had a lot of slow parts, but it did have some redeeming qualities.  While I think Edward and Bella were horribly miscast (my personal opinion), I love the casting of most of the other characters.  In fact I think Bella was my least favorite character in the series.  But I am looking forward to the last movie, as the last book was my favorite.  Probably because it was just so twisted.

Anyway, there were some pretty interesting previews before the movie (not the least of which was the one for the new Harry Potter movie -- can November hurry up and get here, please?!).  There was one that I had seen before, and it makes me cry every time (probably for obvious reasons):

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzgOvvMi8Lg

While I was at the bookstore, I stumbled across the book that it was based on.  I, of course, had to snatch it up.

Also, along with the complete series of “Fraggle Rock” on DVD (it was on sale for not much more than the first season alone would have cost) that I got in the mail from Amazon today, I also got the book: “Fat: The Anthropology of an Obsession” which sounds interesting.

So right now I’m struggling on deciding which to start first -- I think I’m going to put the Martian Chronicles on hold for a while.  I’m leaning towards either “Charlie St. Cloud” or “Fat.”  Will let you know what I think either way!

Have you been watching/reading anything good lately?

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Weigh In 7/6/10 -- “Holy Moly”

On Sunday, we went back to the botanical gardens here -- I’ve mentioned it many times on here as it has been one of my favorite places in Kansas City.  Unfortunately, this was our first trip since the beginning of March due to the insane heat we’ve had.  I’m not a hot weather kind of girl. I really need to get my ass back out there more regularly, though, because damn I’m out of shape.  I really need to dig my treadmill back out from the boxes in our basement, too.

There really were some beautiful flowers out there.  Here are just a few of the pics I took (click on each to enlarge):

Food-wise, I’ve done better…off and on.  Friday, good.  Saturday okay (we ordered pizza).  Sunday, not so good.  I’ll just say my aunt and uncle stopped for Krispy Kreme on their way over for breakfast and leave it at that.  But I really am trying again.  I didn’t count every bite this week, but I did eat less.  Hopefully my scale will cooperate a bit today.

And today has been decent.  I took my mom out for a late mother’s day lunch (you’ll remember most of mother’s day was spent flying back from DC).  I ended up getting grilled shrimp and broccoli, though the grilled shrimp was a bit greasier than I would have liked.  I didn’t eat it all, however.  I also tried a few of the green bean fries that my mom has been raving about (we went to TGI Friday’s).  It would figure that while I don’t really like green beans (can tolerate them more now, but we used to sneak into the kitchen as kids and hide them in the trash or in the garbage disposal), I loved the fried, breaded green bean fries.  <sigh>  Luckily, we hardly ever go there.

Dinner has been pretty light -- mostly just fruit.  Totally unusual for me, but am in one of my “not feeling like eating” moods tonight.  I’m sure, without a doubt, that that will change rapidly.

When I went grocery shopping tonight, I did good.  I only bought things that I allowed myself when I was fully on plan.  Unlike the past several months, I didn’t allow myself any cheats.  No pizza.  No ice cream.  No candy.  And you know what?  I barely even looked at them.  I don’t know what has gotten into me.

So yes, I’m trying again.  And I’ll probably have to try again, and again, and again.  Because, as we all know, this is a lifelong battle that we’re facing.  I fell.  Hard.  I’ll most likely fall again.  But I’ll try again, too.  I think that’s one of the most important things I’ve learned on this journey is to just keep trying (or just keep swimming if your name is Dory -- see below video).  Don’t give up on yourself.  I know you’ll feel discouraged at some points -- believe me I have known that feeling well in the past few weeks.  Still hating mirrors, cameras, or reflective surfaces of any kind.  But never give up on yourself.  Believe in yourself.  You can do this.  I can do this.  We can do this.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmyUkm2qlhA

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Trying Again….And Again

Thoughts regarding my own blog:

When I first started this blog in January of 2008, I was smack dab in the middle of my high of hitting Onederland.  I felt on top of the world.  I liked sharing my success with others and letting them know that if I could do it, anything was possible.  I didn’t mind sharing how I had done it, but always tried to be careful in saying that it was just what had worked for me.  I’m not a doctor.  I’m not a nutritionist.  I’m not a therapist.  I’m not your mom or your guardian angel.  Only you can really know what you need and what will work for you.

I’ve also always loved to write, and this has given me a chance to do that, even if my thoughts have been on the scattered side lately.

The best part has been meeting all of you and making some truly wonderful friends.  Some of you I hope to meet in person one day soon.  Others, I would love to meet, but am realistic that that will probably never happen.  That doesn’t mean that I value your friendship any less.  If I hadn’t started this blog, I would never have *met* such an amazing group of people.  I’ll always be thankful for that.

But as you all know, I’ve been struggling for a long while.  I’ve never shied away from the fact that this was never entirely a “weight loss blog,” but the weight loss part of it seems to be taking a backseat lately.  Frankly, because I haven’t been doing as well.  I wonder sometimes if there is even a place for me in this weight loss blogging world anymore.  It seems to me that most often, people are looking for the blogs of people that have lost the weight and have kept it off.  Now, I know a lot say that they want to see the real story – the day to day struggles – and I know that’s true for some.  But it can’t be easy to come to a site like mine and see someone that was so on top of the world and then see them crash and burn, because that would mean that it could happen to them.  Shall I get cheesy here and say that I’m like the Phoenix and shall rise again?  I sure hope so.

I still get traffic from some posts from back when I was on top of the world.  Posts that kind, kind people wrote about me.  Like this one from Tony (a/k/a The Anti-Jared).  I’m still so so honored for his great act of generosity (and some of the comments on there still make me teary-eyed), but I imagine sometimes what the people that find my site from such posts must think when they see how far I’ve fallen.

I’ve also become rather jealous of those who have kept their blogs entirely anonymous – no names mentioned, no pictures given, etc.  I’m really questioning how open I’ve been on here, knowing that there are people in my real life that can find it and read it.  At times, I just don’t care.  Other times, it bothers me greatly.  I don’t regret writing the words, because I did learn that I am not totally alone in my thoughts and feelings (and hopefully helped others to see that, as well), but I do regret that it’s so easy to see who it was that said those words.  I may have to think about this and about what I can do about it.

Thoughts regarding the blogs of others:

You may have noticed that I’ve stopped reading blogs.  It’s actually been a while now, and there aren’t words for how badly I feel about it.  I don’t want you to think that it was something you did or you said or that I’m just being a bitch.  Really, I promise you it’s none of those.  Well, hopefully not the “being a bitch” part.  To be quite honest, I just totally got burned out.  I was trying to keep up with a ridiculous number of blogs (more even than what shows on my blogroll), and it was practically becoming a full time job.  I just couldn’t keep up and still have time for myself.  Some of the things I loved – watching movies, reading, spending time with my family – were falling to the wayside.  That’s also why I’ve been ignoring the Weight Watchers message boards lately, too.  I just, frankly, needed a break.

To add proof to what I mentioned regarding my own blog, I was also having a hard time reading about how well everyone else seemed to be doing.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am absolutely thrilled and ecstatic and over-the-moon for those of you that are doing well.  You know I’m you’re biggest cheerleader!! It was just hard.  It’s hard to read about someone flying on the weight loss high when you’ve crashed and burned.

But even more than that, I was burned out on the whole weight loss thing in general.  Anything having to do with weight loss has pretty much been annoying the crap out of me lately.  I’m SO SO tired of hearing about the obesity epidemic and how what we need to do is bring awareness to the subject.  I’m sorry, but there’s enough freaking awareness out there.  I don’ t think there’s anyone on the planet (other than in those rare countries where fat is seen as being beautiful) that doesn’t know that being overweight is mostly bad for you.  I don’t honestly think that there is anyone on the planet that really isn’t aware of how bad a Big Mac (to just pick on one food item) is for you.  That’s bullsh*t to think otherwise.  I mean, there’s no way there is someone out there that thinks that Big Macs are good for you.  I’m tired of overweight people being so stigmatized as though we are evil and sloth and greed personified; like we’re the root of all of the world’s problems: the economy, health care, etc.  I’m sorry, but no matter what you may think, we’re not.

Yes, too many people are overweight today.  Yes, for most people, it’s not healthy to be really overweight.  Yes, I do want to lose weight and yes, I do want to be healthy.  But I’m not stupid.  Stop treating me like I am.  I know the steps and the science behind it.  If it was just a matter of calories in vs. calories out and of just doing it and that is ALL, then we’d ALL be freaking be skinny.

I also wonder about the movement to fight obesity in children.  I know that it is extremely important to fight obesity in childhood, but I wonder what is the best way to go about it.  Removing PE from schools was a bad idea.  I agree.  PE made my life a living hell, but I got through it, and I do think it is important.  Keeping nutritional studies in health classes is also important.  Getting junk food out of the cafeterias is also important.  I agree with all of these things, but I don’t think that’s enough.  And putting so much focus on these overweight kids is only going to make them grow up to be me, making them feel like they’re freaks of nature, outcasts.  Kids are young and impressionable and their self-esteem and self worth are still fragile.

So while I agree with all of the above ideas that people are pushing to fight childhood obesity, there also needs to be more compassion in this world and more focus on the psychological aspects of what makes a kid become overweight: whether it’s internal, or problems with the home, etc.  When I was in elementary school (the time when I became overweight), I was required to take PE classes.  I learned about health and nutrition in science class.  I had recess.  I was taught what was good for me to eat.  We went through a battery of physical fitness tests in PE each year.  Admittedly, the cafeteria food wasn’t always the best back then, but in every other area that they’re pushing, I would say my school was great.

And I still became fat.

And maybe their goal isn’t to reach kids like the kid I was.  Maybe their goal is just to reach the ones they can.  And I can understand that.  And I don’t know what the answer is. I really don’t.  My heart just goes out to those kids that are now not only being torn down by their classmates like I was, but also by their parents, classmates’ parents, the media, and society at large.

Okay, wow.  Went waaaaay off on a tangent there.  Sorry.  So back to blogs.  Along with the other issues I mentioned, it seemed to me that several of the blogs I came across were just becoming battle grounds on which to fight popularity contests without much else in the way of substance.  Yeah, I’ll just leave it at that.

With that out of the way, I haven’t been reading your blogs (except for a select few posts that have caught my eye on twitter or that were brought to my attention), and I apologize for that.  I know it’s not fair to expect people to read my blog if I’m not doing the same.  At some point in the near future, I will get back to reading them again, but I will have to be realistic and limit myself to only so many.  There are just too many fantastic writers and people out there!  (As always, though, let me know if you have a blog and its address and I’ll add you to my blogroll.)

So I thank those of you who have stuck with me while I’ve been trying to work some things out.  I mentioned before that I was thinking about closing down my blog (mostly due to the issues I mentioned above re: anonymity), but at this point, I don’t think I’m going to.  As much as “What the f*** am I doing?” has been going through my head lately, I remember how alone I felt all those years, and I want to be here to reach out to anyone else that may be in those shoes.  I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate the idea of someone feeling alone.  And while I don’t imagine myself as being important enough to keep or stop someone from feeling that way, I can share my crazy stories and screwed up thoughts and hopefully someone out there will see that they aren’t.

I know some of you will probably jump ship after this post.  Others just passing through will probably think “what a freak” and continue on by.  Still others may think “Ah, that’s just Pamela. Silly girl,” and stick with me.  All are okay.  I just say thank you to each of you for sharing a couple of moments of your lives with me.  It’s much appreciated.

Until next time, have a beautiful day!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Thoughts on Blogging and Obesity

So that’s how I’ve been spending my time.  As far as being on plan, I mentioned that I was pretty much doing a half-assed job of being on plan Tuesday-Thursday.  Friday and Saturday, I was pretty far off plan, and even Sunday wasn’t the best.  But I could have done a LOT worse and have in the past several weeks.

But apparently even a half-assed try can make a difference and is better than no try at all.  I’ll have to remember that when I think, “well, I screwed up.  Might as well go all out and just eat everything in sight.”  The fact that I lost 4.9 pounds this week is proof positive of how much of a difference it can make and of just how far off plan I had fallen in the past several weeks.

I’ve been completely on plan yesterday and today and have my fingers crossed for the rest of the week.  This week has proven to me the importance of allowing myself “off plan meals,” and of keeping those just to “meals,” and not days, weeks, or months.

I tried to find some video footage on YouTube to show you of “Supernatural,” but a lot of them contained spoilers or wouldn’t have much meaning without seeing the show.  So no videos for it, but you can search for it on YouTube yourselves if you’re interested. 

I did see that OneRepublic has a video out now for one of my favorite songs off of their latest album.  I don’ t think the video is the best, but the song just makes me happy inside:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5tin-U9oJ8

So hope you’re having a happy week!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Even a half-assed try is better than no try at all

Sadly, as I suspected, I was up 4.9 lbs this week.  I mean, imagine that – gaining 4.9 lbs in three days.  Imagine what you’d have to eat to do that.  And that’s what I did.  I undid three weeks worth of work.  But hey, I admitted it, and I’ve been back on track for two full days now.

I’m absolutely loving your responses to my “Getting to Know You” post!  It’s so great to learn more about you guys, and Early was definitely right.  What a diverse group of people we’ve got here!  When I started this, I never imagined that anyone would be reading, let alone people from all over the world!  You guys are awesome!  I hope you keep them coming, and I think I’ll follow in the steps of some other great bloggers, and make this a regular post.  I’ll have to get to work on thinking up some more questions.

And a big thanks to Allyson!  She left my 2,000th comment!  Wow, 2,000! That’s so hard to believe!  Yay Allyson!  And thanks to you all!

****WARNING – BL SPOILERS AHEAD****

I just got done watching the Biggest Loser finale and have to say that so many of them look really great.  They did fantastic.  I’ll admit that I was wholeheartedly rooting for Daris to make the final three and he did!  Yay!  He is just so adorable, and I’ve really identified with a lot of what he’s gone through this season.  Plus he just seems to be such a sweet, decent guy.  I was a bit sad to see Sherri lose her grip on the $100,000 and was also a bit sad to see Koli get it.

What do you guys think about Jillian’s new show?  I’ll probably give it a try, but I really really am starting to dislike her.  Some of her weight loss products seem to go against the exact things she promotes on The Biggest Loser.

I about fell over when Michael appeared on the show tonight! Wow!  He looks amazing.  I knew that he had it as soon as I saw him.  I’m truly happy for him and all of the rest of them.  I think the only people that I was actively rooting against was the red team (and Koli a bit – I just didn’t like some of his actions).

It’s still a bit aggravating to me that at my lowest, I had lost a comparable amount to (if not more than) a lot of the contestants on the show.  But you know what?  I’ll get there again.  One thing I’ve learned over the past year is that I have a lot more determination and optimism than I ever gave myself credit for.

So did you see the finale?  What did you think?  My biggest wish for the past few seasons is that they would do a reunion hour like they do for the Survivor finale!  I’d love to hear them talk about and reflect on the season.

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Weigh In 5/25/10 & The Biggest Loser Finale

Along with that switch, I’m contemplating how exactly to write this post that I need to write.  You see, today has to be a new day for me.  Today IS a new day.  It’s the only way I can think about it without wanting to cry.

At some point after getting home from work Friday morning, I decided that this would be the weekend that I would figure out just how much food my poor stomach would hold.  Except that I never really decided.  It just kind of happened.  I’ve been eating nonstop ever since, and of course, as you would imagine, I’m feeling fairly sick right now.  Not only sick to my stomach, but also sick of this drive that I just can’t seem to get rid of.

I’m also almost afraid to ever post about a success again.  It seems that every time I’m doing really really well and post about it, I almost immediately screw everything up again.  I know I can’t blame the post on screwing everything up, though.  Just me.

I’m absolutely sure that I’ve undone several weeks’ worth of work in the past three days.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see a seven pound gain on the scale this week.  And that’s not an exaggeration.  What the heck is wrong with me?  It’s like I’m self-sabotaging myself.

Ugh.  I’m so ashamed and disgusted with myself.  But today is a new day and while I’m starting to think that I’m just utterly hopeless, I’m not giving up.  I’ve ‘fessed up and I’m back on plan.  Right now.  Right this minute.  (Never mind the helpful fact that I don’t even want to think about food right now.)

So in the words of the play and film “Rent,” there’s “No Day But Today.”  I’m not looking back on the weekend as there is nothing I can do about it now, and am only looking forward.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUeRkvCVGbk

So for now, I’m going to give Notting Hill a try for a little while longer, and while I do, I will plan out what I will eat today down to every last point.  I will also continue chanting a new mantra in my head.

I can do this.

I am not a bad person.

I can do this.

I am not hopeless.

I can do this.

I am not a failure.

I can do this.

I can do this.

While I’m dreading work this week, I’m still happy to see the weekend gone.  Happy Monday.

(On a positive side note: I did a lot of reading this weekend, which you all know I enjoy.  I finished Chely Wright’s “Like Me,” and have a story from it that absolutely appalled me that I just have to share with you soon.  I then read “Sh*t My Dad Says,” by Justin Halpern, and “Savor the Moment,” by Nora Roberts. The latest that I started tonight is the newest one by Charlaine Harris called “Dead in the Family.” It’s Book 10 in the Sookie Stackhouse series that “True Blood” is based on. While the show is okay, the books are WAY better.) What are you guys reading, if anything?

Post from Uncovering Pamela

A New Day

So today was weigh-in day, and I’m thoroughly ecstatic.  For the first time in months (since November, actually) I am below the 250 mark!!  WHOOHOOO!! I’m so excited.  I weighed in today at 248.5 for a loss of 3.2 lbs.  I am back down 21.3 lbs since I recommitted myself to plan, and am down a total of 94.4 lbs altogether.

I’m back in the swing of things!  I deserved this loss, because while my exercise was a bit sketchy, I kicked ASS on the food this week.  Completely stuck to my points (no fudging and all through the weekend, too!) and ate way more fruits and veggies than usual.  I’m so excited!

And for those of you in the NYC area, don’t forget to check out “Lbs.” this week at BIG Cinemas Manhattan.  From what I hear, Thursday will be the last night, though according to their Facebook page, it sounds like it’ll be fun – with giveaways!

I know I’ve been promoting the hell out of this movie on my site for the past few months, and I thank you guys for bearing with me.  But as I’ve said before, it’s something I truly believe in, and hope that you will love it as much as I do.  When I went to see it in DC, and heard the responses of the other people in the audience, and their comments afterward, I felt a bit better about my promotion and knew that I wasn’t alone in the way I reacted to this movie.  You all might not love it, but I know that there are some who will.

In fact, I’ve been watching the comments on their FB page, as well, and one really summed up what I think this movie can accomplish.  Since you can read it directly on the “Lbs.” page, hopefully it’s all right if I quote it here:

Great to see this excellent film at E Street Cinema. Very cool to have the writer/star, director and co-actor on stage afterwards for Q&As. The film changed my perception of ‘being fat’. I had had such a negative attitude to it. Now I feel … it’s not all ‘bad’… and of course the person in a body is ‘OK and equal’, …whatever the shape, color etc of the body.

This movie is changing people’s perception about us.  Here are a few more reviews:

This movie is excellent. A very realistic perspective of a legal addiction…FOOD …

I really liked how you explore the emotional aspect of obesity — the desperation, isolation, loneliness, anger, guilt, fear …. definitely a different kind of movie from boring Hollywood blockbusters. This is a movie America needs to see.

So there you have it.  I’ve also spent some time recently updating and revising my “Lbs.” page – I’ve added some new links (one of my faves is a link to Sundance pics from 2004, and another is a link to the National Eating Disorders Association’s Video Resource list – it’s awesome that “Lbs.” was included) and have done some rearranging.  Check it out if you have time.

So if you’re in the NYC area, please try and check it out this week if you can (and, of course, let me know what you think).  There will be a Q&A after the 7:15 show on Thursday, the final night.

I do believe that it will be heading to other cities soon, but don’t know the details yet!

To a certain extent, while you guys may be sick of hearing about it, I kind of have both you and “Lbs.” to thank for getting me back on track.  As most of you know, I stopped blogging for a long while – pretty much when I was so off-course.  While not the entire reason, my excitement about “Lbs.” played a huge role in getting me back to blogging regularly.  And then that’s where you wonderful, lovely people came in. Your support has meant the world, and I think it and my blogging more regularly is what has helped keep me on this path to health.

So thank you to you both.  You’ve brought me back from the edge.

And I think this weigh in is exactly what I needed.

Have a great day!

Post from Uncovering Pamela

Weigh In 5/18/10 and “Lbs.” the Movie in NYC